Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

There’s no way this is real, but I’ll bite…

If you leave him, OP, where will you get your top-up funds from then?

That's what I was thinking. I can't believe you're taking so much of his money and then have the cheek to suggest he's financially abusing you!! You're the one who could be accused of abuse here.
It's completely unfair and unsustainable that you're expecting him to cover all your bills. You don't even live together.

Bloody hell. The entitlement is astonishing .

You are not his partner. You are not a team. You are at best, a long distance friend. Why you feel you can demand he bank roll you im really not sure? You are not in a committed long term relationship where you both bring something to the table, work together to achieve your goals and share the spoils. You are a financial drain on him and you have ZERO rights to demand money from him. It's HIS MONEY to do with as he chooses. You are literally the one financially abusing him by demanding this of him and then having a tantrum and calling him abusive when you don't get your own way. That's a bit DARVO to say the least.

Some of your posts come across as rather manipulative. Given that you say you have suffered trauma, it may be worth looking into some counselling to help you recognise and break out of the victim role mentality you seem to have created.

You say he has 1.5 million, I assume quite a lot of that is tied up in the two houses? Plus anyone who is decent with money will have the majority of their money tied up in longer term savings and investments. So while he isn’t truly broke asking for six months rent which will be at least a few thousand even if he wanted to give you the money it will be in some account that needs notice and he will lose interest. That’s what he means by broke, his money is tied up in something so he isn’t lying per se.

The only person being abused is him.

@Mochachoc "If the relationship did continue, there may be a time in the future when he would be completely dependent on me. If I had control of the finances and treated him the same way, it would absolutely be abusive, however most of you seem to think it's ok for me to be treated badly."

It would be financial abuse for you to take control of HIS financial assets and refuse to give them to him while keeping them for yourself, yes. Presumably you mean he will be physically or mentally dependent on you, which means you will be acting as his carer.

Can you really not see the difference between a carer refusing to allow their partner access to their own financial assets, and a man declining to use his own money to fund a girlfriend who is a long distance away so he doesn't even spend much time with in person?

Because if, and it's a big if, it's a real post, I don't think they've actually met in real life. I think she sounds like one of those financial scammers who has latched onto a vulnerable man and is looking for ways to try and extort more money from him. My DPs friend who divorced last year, ventured onto OLD and said he was shocked how many of the women are clear money scammers/escorts/looking for sugar daddies/promoting OF and he said that was searches starting from over 30s age ranges (I asked if he was searching younger ages to find that and he said nope, over 30s)

He's told you he's spent all his savings on you and instead of feeling ashamed about this you're asking if he's abusing you?! Good Lord.
I don't know any couple in a long distance relationship who share assets. If you were married and living together then yes but not in this situation.
You really need to support yourself and stop depending on him. Get a second job if you need to. You're milking him dry and feeling hard done by!!

OP, this post makes no sense.

Nobody has an issue with the thought of a single woman living alone. They just expect that woman to be responsible for her own finances and not dependent on some random bloke that you don't even live with.

If you have managed to support yourself your entire life, you will just need to keep doing that. If your health conditions mean that you can no longer earn enough to cover your costs, you will need to claim benefits. There is help available to appeal if your PIP application was unsuccessful.

The point about being married is that it creates a legally binding partnership and responsibilities towards the other partner. You are not married, so the only person responsible for your financial situation is you. He owes you nothing.

I haven’t read the full thread so excuse me if I’m repeating what someone else has said but you really need to look into what financial abuse is. My ex financially abused me amongst other ways. He earns good money and I was a sahm. He didn’t pay the bills, left me in a shit tonne of debt, and would pass me £20 to do a food shop for 2 adults and 2 kids for a week whilst he went and spent money on god knows what. I wasn’t able to claim benefits because he earns too much money. I had to rely on family to help with the children’s costs. I ended that relationship, got myself a job, learnt to drive and bought a car and became self sufficient. I am now married to a wonderful man and he earns enough that I could quit my job if I wanted to and I trust that he would look after us, however, when you have been in that situation it never leaves you. The memories haunt you regardless and I would never leave my job and leave myself financially vulnerable. If your business isn’t giving you what you need financially then you need to find a job that gives you steady income. You need to apply for benefits so you have money coming in in the meantime. And your boyfriend has probably stopped the income stream because he is sick of you taking advantage of the fact that he has what he has. He probably feels used for his money and he’s probably told friends about it and they’ve probably told him that your gold digger out for what you can get because if he told me this story that’s what I would be saying. Why should he help you when you’re not helping yourself?

My MIL as in GP to my DC so an actual relative is a millionaire but very tight. Think re-gifting things giving to her several years ago. Giving me as a present a monogrammed item (her initials)! Wouldn't cry financial abuse OP as its her money to do with as she pleases. Same with your partner who you have no legal ties to.

I think now that he is being abused if they haven’t even met, and it’s not actually a relationship at all, but a pen friend arrangement. It sounds like he is being taken for a ride, probably he is lonely.

It’s interesting that op seems to know exactly how much he owns too.

OP, what do you and your partner both get out of your relationship? How often do you see each other or spend time together? You don’t need to answer any of these questions, of course - but it might be helpful to reflect on them and think about what this relationship does give you and what it doesn’t.

You say you’ve been together for 4 years, which is a while, but it’s still a long-distance relationship. Having said that though, there is nothing in your posts that makes me think of your set-up as a relationship.

It sounds like you are both very independent - which is great - and that you live separate lives, but I’m not sure how fulfilling that is for either of you.

Do you want to do anything differently - e.g. live together or perhaps get married?

If you got married or lived together, I think probably you’d both have more responsibilities towards each other, but as it stands (and I do mean this kindly), I don’t think either of you can expect much help or support from each other.

I think you have a different idea of what financial responsibility partners who live separately with separate finances have to each other than I think they do.

I wouldn't expect any obligation to share money between partners unless they have taken that step to join their households.

Either way, that sort of support isn't something you can demand, so you need to make plans that don't rely on his support. Can you access benefits to help?

Haven't we all met someone like OP at some point? My DB was in a similar relationship. Eventually he got fed up with being her cash pot. She was a nice enough person but had the financial maturity of my cat.

Hi OP,
I will probably be flamed for my reply but I will try to post it anyway.

I'm sorry you have found life tough, either from trauma or health problems. I do understand how hard these can be, especially when they affect your self esteem and ability to provide for yourself comfortable/confidently. I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome a decade ago, followed by being injured permanently by some off label antipsychotic prescribed for severe insomnia and anxiety. I now have a neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia that has seriously affected my confidence, esteem, and body image, along with my cognition not being great after my head injury too.

I pushed through with my freelance work after my head injury and did copywriting when I literally had lost my ability to read and write. It was absolutely horrible and exacerbated my head injury symptoms terribly. The consequences weren't great, but I was fortunate to have support from my husband and parents financially, while getting child benefits too. If I hadn't had this, I'd have had no choice but to survive which would have been extremely difficult given hoe poorly my brain functioned.

I kind of became much more dependent financially on my parents and husband than most people would say was acceptable, and I know that maybe some would say I should have stood on my own two feet more etc earlier. But it was out of necessity because of a serious health problem, not because I was incapable of working. I had a great career in publishing for a decade before I was ill, so it's not as though I wasn't used to being self sufficient. Anyway, the point of mu rambling is that I do understand what it's like to fall on hard times and need financial assistance. It can really benefit being proactive though, and knowing that there is other help out there to get back on your feet onto work etc too.

I don’t understand why you think you’d be flamed,for this, I’m sorry about your health issues, but it is a different situation entirely from the op. She is not married with kids, she is in a long distance relationship with this man,

I actually can’t believe what I’ve just read!!

OP I’ve been a struggling single parent who fed my kids from food banks. Never once did I EXPECT ANYONE to give me hand outs!!

I worked full time and claimed benefits and step by step got myself out of it. Why on earth do you think that your long distance partner SHOULD be paying 6 months rent upfront for you?! Or for anything for that matter?!

And suggesting he leaves everything in his will to you is just unbelievable.

wow wow wow!!! Just wow!!!

I would happily support my husband and children if ill. I would not support a long distance boyfriend.

If he’s earning good money and has two houses and no dependents, why would there be a situation in the future where is financially dependent on you? From what you say, it seems highly unlikely.

The point is it’s not a joint household and you have no legal ties so he is not obliged to pay for you. You’re better off than you’d be if you were single. You need to try to become independent. Living in a house owned by him and paying rent would be a disaster too if your relationship ended.

My DP’s ex is incapable of being independent too. She got him to pay for everything when they were together and the day after their wedding she quit her job and said she was going to stay home from now on and hasn’t had a real job since. Post-divorce, she relies on a series of boyfriends who she’s clearly not very into but has no option because she can’t support herself. It’s not a good or aspirational life.

The way you describe your 'partner' makes him sound absolutely awful, so why don't you just leave him? Oh hang on a minute ......

Maybe that's the answer. OP isn't a troll, she's a cat.

@Sparklfairy there is something cat like about the behaviour. Relationships with cats are similar. They feel no obligations and expect to be fed/petted but only on their terms.

Where's the love in all of this? Guess it is just love of the money.

You say your boyfriend has "control of the funds". Are they not his own personal funds? That he has worked for and/or inherited from his family? Or have you been paying into a joint account for years and he now has sole control of that?

Why ask if you're being unreasonable if you don't want to hear what 98% of people have to say. You have mentioned potentially leaving your boyfriend and that he seems very controlling. Well you've said you're not a gold digger so I think you should go ahead and leave him

OP this bit could be the crux of the matter.

You said "If I had control of the finances and treated him the same way, it would absolutely be abusive, however most of you seem to think it's ok for me to be treated badly."

But in your relationship there is no "the finances".

If you were married, had children, or even long term living together, there is certainly a case for joint finances.

But that is not your situation. He is a long distance boyfriend. That comes with no obligation to pool money, or for him to support you.