Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

I think you should leave him.

Hi op, I do think you’ve received quite the bashing I’m sorry, and I’m sorry times are tough. I do agree that no it’s not financial abuse, and not you aren’t entitled to anything. However if I was in a relationship with someone and I had the means to help them through a tough patch I would want to do all I could- so I do think it’s odd of someone who loves you to not want to share more. I would also think about long term, what’s the end goal? It does seem odd to me he’s not suggested moving in? As that would help you greatly? If a relationship is that serious surely that’s an obvious step both for financial reasons and because you want to be together?

If the relationship did continue, there may be a time in the future when he would be completely dependent on me. If I had control of the finances and treated him the same way, it would absolutely be abusive, however most of you seem to think its ok for me to be treated badly.

It's not the finances. It's his finances, and your finances. They are separate. You are not living together and your long distance boyfriend owes you nothing.

Stop being so dismissive of people who are being financially abused.

OP, you need to stop seeing this man as a meal ticket. You're not married, you don't live together and you don't have any children together, so he is not really your "partner" and he doesn't have any financial responsibility for you. You might not like that, but it's the truth. The fact that he has been extremely generous to date doesn't create any long term financial obligations. There is definitely no financial abuse going on here.

You need to forget about that and focus on maximising your own income. Are you definitely earning as much as you could? If your health conditions are limiting your ability to work, can you get support from a local charity to appeal your PIP application? Are you getting universal credit? Ultimately, if you can't support yourself, you will have to fall back on the state rather than relying on a man who has no responsibility for you. There is absolutely no shame in that if that's the situation that you find yourself in.

People have been honest on here and you haven't liked it. You have actually been pretty rude to people who have given you an honest opinion, but the reality is that 98% of posters are telling you that you're being unreasonable. Maybe worth thinking about whether they might have a point? What did you actually want when you started this thread if not honest opinions?

Wow you’re a cock lodger who expects to be funded in their own property 😂

There’s only one person in this relationship being financially abused and it isn’t you!!

How far away is he?
How often do you meet?
Why don't you live together?

In what way does being married make one less independent? You dope.

You are only boyfriend and girlfriend; he's not obliged to help you financially (and it sounds like he has helped you a lot).

If you don't like the way he behaves towards you, then have you considered ending the relationship?

Being his girlfriend is very different to being married to him. Marriage is a legal contract where you promise to share worldly goods, etc.

Are you getting all the benefits you're entitled to?

And if your self employed job isn't making enough, have you considered getting a full-time employed job?

I agree

It is still half term in some areas. 😂

I wouldn't call it abuse, but you are definitely taking advantage of him. Your threats on here about dumping him and leaving him with no one gives some real insight into why you feel entitled to his money. You think he should be more thankful towards you for being his girlfriend because he has nothing without you. So you feel like you have power here, but because he's not respecting that, you're angry. There is a touch of narc rage there.

This is not healthy for either of you. It's very much a codependency rather than a loving relationship. He shouldn't have to buy your love, and you shouldn't be asking him to give you money rather than sorting out your own finances.

I’ve read this threads with a sort of horrified amusement. The OP has been asked on numerous occasions how far away they live from one another, how often they etc & has not provided an answer- why? I see some sort of financial abuse going on here & it’s not her that’s on the receiving end.

We would all help out someone we genuinely loved and cared for if we had the means and it sounds like he has tired but perhaps he’s realised he’s being taken for a ride or perhaps he’s not as well off as she thinks he is.

What exactly do you think is abusive? that you have to embarass yourself by asking for his money constantly and he isn't just throwing it at you?

He isn't doing anything wrong, you are. You are using him for his money and I am amazed he has put up with it for so long. He needs to bin you off ASAP.

Yes but the chain saw detail seemed very realistic!

You're quite correct. But perhaps the OP was under the belief that there isn't currently a will:-

"He mentioned he would be having a will written..."

and that since he has no children (and possibly no siblings either) then she thought that everything will be left to the state?

She probably doesn't understand the intestacy rules and that any other living descendants of his grandparents will be entitled to inherit before it goes to the Crown.

Sounds like he just isn't that into you.

@Mochachoc for what it’s worth here is my advise:

go to your local council and register as at risk of homelessness. With a health condition you should be high priority.

have a look at entitledto and make sure you’re getting all the benefits you should.

if a business doesn’t make enough to feed you then I’m sorry but it’s not viable. I understand you might not be well enough to get another job but you’re not self employed.

it would be good to understand why you don’t live together after all this time? How far away he is from you, how often you see one another. But regardless he doesn’t have to keep giving you money. Have some pride.

The way you talk about him is really derogatory, as if you don’t even like him let alone love him. He’s just your banker & that’s it. This feels like an ‘arrangement’ not a relationship

You sound like one of those women who find lonely men to fund their lives and bleed them dry. And so I think there IS financial abuse but you’re not the victim here.

You can also leave your estate to charity which is what I’d do if I was the boyfriend and I had no living relatives - no way would I leave it to the sponge-Bob girlfriend.

98% of people think you are being unreasonable, that’s quite telling.

If anybody is taking the piss, it is him taking the piss out of me. I do have a job thank you

But as your job doesn’t pay for you to support yourself, it’s making you expect him to support you. How much are you earning?

Seriously, you’d continue to support your ld boyfriend financially to the huge extent the op expects. Honestly raise your bar.

So any married female is a sponger?? 😂😂

I’m married, I’m also the higher earner in our marriage and contribute more to our joint finances, does that make my husband the sponger or is it still me because I’m female??? 🤔

You won't have paid any income tax in the UK at the age of 15 (unless perhaps you were a regularly paid child actor or similar).

Also, under 16s do not pay NI either.

But, apart from that, everybody pays tax. I really don't get what sort of point you're trying to make

@SwingingPonytail relax

Well, the message simply isn't going in, but, OP, you are not being financially abused. You have full control over your money (in a crap situation, but you have full control) and you have no responsibilities toward him such as caring for him or his children.

OP: is this financial abuse?
Everybody: No, you're a piss taker.
OP: you're all wrong, how very dare you.
Repeat.