Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

Op if you are about to be made homeless and have no chance or rehousing yourself you will be entitled to a council house, if you can't afford to feed yourself you should also be entitled to other benefits, you need to make contact with the counil asap.

The reason he is not financially abusing you is because he does not have control over your money and hasn't trapped you with children (this is an important distinction as children can be used to trap women into having to give up work and stay for the children).

Because he is a long distance boyfriend you are for all financial intents and purposes "single". He does not owe you money because he's your boyfriend and it sounds like he has actually been quite generous. Not giving you 6 months rent up front is not abuse, surely you must realise that.

You asked if it would be abuse if you were in charge of his money and restricted access to it, yes it certainly would be since it's HIS money. He is not restricting access to your money or preventing you from working or creating any barriers you wouldn't face if you were single.

Tbf if you are emotionally blackmailing him for money ie telling him you'll end the relationship if he doesn't cough up and criticising and belittling his purchases YOU are the financial abuser.

How you see the relationship is what matters. You describe him as mean, controlling and treating you as a lesser person, so the answer is clear, you walk away. If he is as bad as you say he is, surely its better for your mental health to end the relationship. You might also consider what happens if he decided to end the relationship. He may be wealthy and I agree, relationships are about support each other when times are tough, but this is clearly more than that. It sounds like he is fed up with the situation and is making your requests less comfortable for you to make. His way of saying no without actually saying no. With benefits/UC /Pip you should be able to live without his help - perhaps less comfortably but survivable. My ex was similar. The initial occasional requests for help turned into constant pleading for money for food, petrol. I realised that I didn't want to spend my life with a man who was incapable of providing for himself even on the most basic level.

I've read all your posts, and you seem to dislike this man very much. Though many have said that he isn't responsible for you financially, you believe he is, and think that he's an abusive person.
I think you should leave him. You don't like him and don't say anything nice about him, not even about the way he's bankrolled you.

Hi.

I'm a single woman who lives alone. I am in my 40s like you. I do not have children despite desperately having wanted them. I have previously downsized my home due to mental health issues and being unsure whether I would be able to continue in the career I'd established. I needed to ensure I could get by on a lower salary, and subsequently moved to lower paid less stressful role. I've recent also developed some physical health issues which means I'm having to cut my hours at work so I'll have even less money coming in.

I have an on/off partner who earns more than me and I would never ever dream of asking him for money or relying on him. The fact you think this is financial abuse is offensive to so so many women (and men!) out there who genuinely are in abusive and coercive relationships. I'm stunned that you've got the cheek to strike out at others as much as you are doing, making wild accusations and assumptions about posters.

It's all very well you saying "AREN'T YOU LISTENING I'M SELF EMPLOYED" but facts is facts, if your business isn't doing that well you need to pack it in and go find a job paying more. I'd LOVE to stop working for the NHS and instead go and do crafty things to sell at Makers Markets, but my priority is ensuring I pay the bills, not ensuring I am my own boss building up a career.

So a fellow stubborn, single, childless, disabled woman living alone, perhaps you'll take my advice moreso than that of these dozens of evil men commenting, who are just pretending to be women purely so they can insult your ethics. 🙄 Stop being entitled. Stop being demanding. Stop being rude. Stop being so judgemental. Stop hurling insults. Stop being with a man who seem so very critical of. You're just making a massive tit of yourself. You sound like an absolute nightmare.

If you were married or had children together then yes it would be financial abuse

You aren't - he has no financial liability to you. If you don't think he is being generous enough then end the relationship - if he thinks you are being too demanding then he can do the same. At the end of the day you have no claim to his money - you need to work out how you can get yourself out of your current financial issues. That may mean going back to a regular job rather than pursuing self employment if it doesn't pay enough for you to pay the bills

Did you appeal the PIP refusal? The success rate for appeals is high.

Bloody hell it's 'Martha'.....!

If he's so awful and controlling, better to get out now OP.

Oh yeah...

He isn't obligated to help you out financially, you're not married and don't live together. I think he's being generous to do so. I certainly wouldn't be financially supporting a long distance boyfriend if I was in his shoes.

I've been homeless before and it sucks but I got back on my feet and if someone had offered to help me financially during that time I'd have been nothing but grateful.

You'd have no choice but to manage if he decided to stop helping you out with money.

This

I don’t need to rely on any DP, I have savings and common sense and wouldn’t wait to find a job if I didn’t make enough money. I also have kids to feed so can’t afford to wait around until a man saves me.

I wonder whether he is fed up of being your financial support. It's all take, take, take.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

He realises all too well.

You've been a sponger and he's had enough.

You need to end this relationship and start being responsible for yourself.
If you risk being homeless you need to contact the council and be homed in temporary housing.

This man has been very generous and he's now decided enough is enough.

@Mochachoc

what do you think his intentions might be OP?

I'm just here for the deletion message 😝. But until then...🍿🍿

Sorry @Mochachoc but I can't get past page one without feeling the need to ask you an unpleasant, but I feel a necessary question, to help you understand just what you are.

As you have a long distance relationship, and don't share any of the expenses a couple would usually share, do you realise OP that you have essentially made yourself into a very expensive prostitute?

I say this because it seems like the only thing you give him in exchange for his very generous donations, is sex. Nothing I have read from you so far gives any suggestions that you love your 'partner' of over 4 years. I am not even sure that you like him. I will stop now, and hope that I haven't broken any site rules.

I've asked that a few posts before yours.

He's paying for very expensive sex it would seem.

Okay you clearly believe it is financial abuse whatever anyone else says.

But it's slightly irrelevant here. If we all agree that yes it is financial abuse, the answers to the issue remain the same.

You need to sort out your own income. Being self employed isn't generating enough to support you with or without him.

Pretend he doesn't exist. What do you do then? You are in a precarious position being dependent on someone else. I don't think anyone is arguing that.

But the answer is to find a regular income, even if you can't manage full time, and to apply for relevant benefits.

You have established that he won't reliably support you but I don't see how you demand that he does so what do you think the answer is?

Wow. OP, what's your approx salary & have you cut your cloth & budgeted as best you can? Or do you spend on unnecessary things?

You sound like you think you're entitled to half his money - 'if I were in control of the finances'. You aren't entitled to any of his money. You need to figure out what you can do without relying on him. Good luck

Sounds to me like you’re a CF and is the one being financially abused

What a crazy thread.

I honestly think your boyfriend is being financially abused

OK OP. Lets say he is financially abusing you (he's not, but let's assume he is).

In that case, he is awful and you need to leave him and take control of your own finances. Dump him.

I suspect what you want however is advice to get more money out of him, rather than addressing the actual root of your issues.

@Mochachoc there is definitely financial abuse in your relationship.

My advice is to end this now and either stay single or look for another man who is your financial equal.

Unfortunately for him she's not looking to leave him. She wants everyone to say it's financial abuse so she can more easily manipulate him into giving her his money.