Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

@Mochachoc what are you bringing to the table?

From your boyfriends point of view, he's in a long distance relationship, with someone who is constantly asking him for money.

Would you be happy if you were in that situation?

I'm aghast at the OP being awake all night (yet having health issues) and going to work on no sleep.

What's that all about?

Unless you're overseas @Mochachoc why are you posting all night and not getting some sleep?

Now you really do sound like the spoilt child you are! You’ve posted on here whining that your cash cow boyfriend’s finally had enough of bankrolling you and you’re having a tantrum that nobody agrees with you?!!

You’re an adult woman FFS… if you can’t survive by running your own business - then shut it down and go out and get a job, or two jobs - so that you can pay your way in life. This man is not your husband - you don’t even live with him - why on EARTH is it his responsibility to support you? I’m not surprised that he’s told you his money has run out - he’s probably well and truly fed up of you leeching off him whilst sitting on your arse, bleating and doing nothing to try and improve your own situation. Sort yourself out for God’s sake.

Sorry you are in the position you are. But what would you do if DP ended the relationship? You have no ties to each other he's not obliged to support you endlessly and it comes across as you expect him to bail you out because he inherited his wealth. It's his money and he can spend how he wishes. If your health/work situation is so poor you should be entitled to government support - why not speak to citizen advice to see what help is available

You’re an adult woman FFS… if you can’t survive by running your own business - then shut it down and go out and get a job, or two jobs - so that you can pay your way in life.

Precisely.

Faffing around being self-employed isn't paying your bills.
You need to get a job.

This is a typical example of the op asking AIBU. MN responds with 'yes' and the op then spends the next 6 hours telling people she's not BU.

Op you need to find a way of supporting yourself, there are plenty of people in similar situations as you that manage to feed and heat themselves on UC without expecting their bf to support them. You're not being financially abused.

'If the relationship did continue, there may be a time in the future when he would be completely dependent on me. If I had control of the finances and treated him the same way, it would absolutely be abusive, however most of you seem to think its ok for me to be treated badly.'

It's not THE finances it is HIS finances. That's the problem here OP and why it isn't financial abuse - when you are dictating how he should spend his money and demanding more of it that is you trying to control him not the other way around, you need to accept that. For sure there could be an element of selfishness in his behaviour but it's not abusive. In any case the answer is the same - if you aren't happy with him to the extent you think he is abusive you should leave him and stop taking his money. And get a better paying job to support yourself.

You asked for opinions on whether your boyfriend is abusing you or not.
The vast majority of opinion says he is not abusing you.
You don’t like that opinion but you did ask.
Cannot understand why you are being so rude to people who are just giving you their opinion on your original question.

I don't think it's financial abuse. I think it is very unfortunate your life changed the way it did. I have a family member who went through a sudden and debilitating health issues and their very strong financial position changed drastically. It's horrible. But the fact is that it is not his responsibility to take care of you financially.

You are clearly not happy with him or how he is treating you so the obvious solution would be to end the relationship.

it appears to me that your relationship is purely transactional. He gives you money and you give him sex (?) and/ or the status of having a ‘partner’ - something he has never had before despite him being at least 45 by my reckoning. I do wonder about how vulnerable he is . . .

As far as I can see unless he gives you access to his money as and when you need it, you are going to feel hard done by.
He does not seem to be willing to do this as often as you would like him to.
This doesn’t seem likely to change so I suggest you move on as this guy owes you nothing as far as I can see either morally or legally and you are not happy with his actions.
As I see it, if you do not end this relationship then you could easily be seen as the person who is being controlling and coercive by attempting to get more and more money from him especially if he is vulnerable.

top tip - when you move - get yourself a place that doesn’t require oil for heating- gas is much cheaper.

@Mochachoc
"If the relationship did continue, there may be a time in the future when he would be completely dependent on me. If I had control of the finances and treated him the same way, it would absolutely be abusive, however most of you seem to think its ok for me to be treated badly."

Because it is his money. There are no shared finances. He doesn't owe you anything.

OP, approach your housing options. There is investment in over 45 housing in most areas. It would be a better option for you. If you are genuinely having health issues, try again for PIP. If he won't help out with rent, then you could make an agreement of a time frame that you live with him while you are waiting for housing support.

If he had said to you, stop working, don't worry about finding any means of supporting yourself, I will provide for you indefinitely etc then yes, his behaviour could be seen as abusive but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I think, as you have realised, you have slipped into financial dependence which he sees as something he didn't agree to or is comfortable with. I'm afraid you need to reassess your finances and find some way of going it alone asap.

THIS! This @Mochachoc is financial abuse! Not the financial scam you're pulling. CF.

I've read the thread & missed how Op's partner made her financially dependent on him?

AIBU the whole of mumsnet - YES
OP no I'm not; you are all abusive

This!!!

I think you need to go out and get a proper job and stop relying on your own business which clearly isn’t profitable.

Don't then...there's your answer. I'm sure he'll be devastated

Well, he either steps up and commits to you or steps away. I would force an ultimatum because your relationship has become toxic.

You'd be better able to support yourself if you didn't stay up all night posting absolute bollocks on Mumsnet.

I think OP is one of those people who , whatever any of us say , it's impossible to get through to . She isn't helping herself at all with her reactions .

I cannot go on with relationship being cap in hand like a child all the time, as is affecting my mental health.

Then get a job that will increase your income or, if you are too unwell to do that, claim UC. And get some benefit advice and see if you might be entitled to PIP.

Not sure if I missed it, but is there a reason why you couldn’t move in together? Has this been discussed, or any long term relationship plans. At the moment it is essentially that you hope the man you’re dating will help you out financially. I’d feel very uncomfortable on both sides of this arrangement.
Maybe he feels that if he keeps giving you cash for everyday essentials that your life will never change. He doesn’t sound abusive. He’s helped you out many times.

At the very worst, he's paying for you for sex.
He visits you. He keeps a roof over your head.
There is no real commitment between you after 4 years.

It's a long distance relationship where he (presumably) gets sex when he sees you.

How much of a 'catch' is he?
For a man to be a millionaire, aged in his 50s, never been married, childless, why has he not been snapped up?

The fact he's never moved out of his childhood home speaks volumes.
He doesn't sound like he wants a proper relationship and has never had one.

He likes the sex, and it probably suits him to give you some money now and then in exchange for sex when he feels like it.

If he's not ever committed to anyone by his 50s, he's not going to now and this is obvious by the way he's not asked you to live with him.

He didn't do anything wrong fgs!