Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

I think we are in 'one of those threads'.
No one could be that dense.

Off topic and genuine question but why is the term casual boyfriend used as a way to demean women on these forums? Anyone?

No, him not giving you money is not financial abuse. I’m sorry you’re in dire straits, but it’s not abuse. It sounds like he already gives you a lot. All the time.

Poppycock. That is NOT even close to the OP's circumstances @DanielGault

OP, if you were introduced by mutual friends have you thought about asking them for their advice, or would that be just too embarrassing? 😉

It's not a term to 'demean' it's a factual statement.

You need help OP. If it's not real you need help because no normal sane person gets a kick out of making up crap on the internet. And if it is real and you really are that paranoid that everyone here are men ganging up on you you need more help.

You are a long distance GF. Not his wife or mother to his children. I am gutted you have gone through such financial hardship but regardless of how much money he has it isn't his job to support you and upto now he has prevented you becoming homeless. He owes you nothing, you owe him everything.

Sorry OP you are completely sponging off him and need to take responsibility yourself. Get a job if your self employment isn’t working out. Your post is shocking- your entitlement!! You’re not married to him, he doesn’t owe you shit!! You are financially abusing this man and it blows my mind that you think it’s the other way round. You’re deluded my friend. I mean that in kindness. Time to take responsibility for your own life and stop relying on this man and his hard earned money-he’s helped you loads from what you said. Get a grip. If youre single there is support available and you can get a job.

Snap

I'm astounded that people have taken time to quite seriously try to reason with the unreasonable.

In a nutshell, @Mochachoc you need to work on your own career, give up being self-employed and find work that pays regularly.

If you're earning next to nothing, what can you do about that?

If you don't have training or qualifications that mean you can be employed and support yourself, that's the next step.

Even allowing for your health issues, there will be something out there, and now it's easier than ever to work from home, if your health means you can't travel.

I don’t think it’s intended to demean the woman but it’s a way of defining the relationship and the expectations that would usually go along with it.

In this case, a cohabiting partner would normally provide financial support whereas what sounds like a casual boyfriend wouldn’t normally be expected to provide financial support, and certainly not to the degree OP is demanding.

There’s nothing wrong with having a boyfriend or casual boyfriend. It’s just that the word “partner” is typically only used as a descriptor for more involved, committed relationships.

@SwingingPonytail true, but it’s always implied as a negative, especially when the OP has expectations which are sometimes valid. Obviously not in this case, hence off topic

It’s never said in a nice way, I suppose I don’t understand why it’s used like this, especially when in this case they’ve been doing whatever it is they’re doing for almost 5 years.

Wonders off to think about this latest shower thought…

Wow. 😂

OP you seem to think you are being abused. You've made lots of references to him being selfish, controlling, etc. Why don't you leave him then?

Or won't you because you need his money?

@SecretSoul agree and agree, I’ve just seen some threads where it’s thrown (fairly) at OPs as a way to undermine them and invalidate the relationship. Usually justified I’d say.

Anyway, as we were back to feeding the OP

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

So right at the very start of your relationship- which is only 4 years ago- this man bailed you out and helped you when you lost your home.
He sounds very generous! It's a step not many men would take, months into knowing a woman and not even living near her.

You must have been in a dire financial situation to have your home repossessed as usually you'd be given a mortgage holiday or interest only payments.

I'm sorry you lost your home but it does come over as if you are not financially literate because being repossessed it a final step. Ideally you should have had savings as a back up for the lean times that come with being self employed or unable to work.

I don't think it's financial abuse; the two of you are not enmeshed in a financial way (e.g. by living together, sharing financial responsibilities, etc.). I think he's unkind, and doesn't really see you as a partner, but that isn't in and of itself abusive--you have no right to expect his financial support, because that is not how you have set your lives up. I would still consider leaving him, in your position.

This is one of the most self-entitled relinquishes of accountability and responsibility I've ever heard or seen anyone have the audacity to admit to.

If you were male and your partner female, you'd be getting called an abuser and your partner told to LTB. Yabvu! Sort your shit out and stop relying on handouts. Your partner is not your personal bank.

If you cannot budget properly, seek help and professional advice. Your landlord is selling up and you can't afford to get another private let, then you need to go to the council and tell them you will be homeless by the set date to be out and need assistance. Yes, you may be temporarily homeless but you will have a home at the end of it and then you can get back on your feet. Regarding ill health, you need to put in a claim for benefits to help you if you cannot work.

Let's take a different tack.
Ok, you are right, OP, it's financial abuse and your BF's a terrible man. So leave him and his chain saw.
( I am not a man. I am a seal).

The 'implication' is in your own head.

This man is not remotely a 'partner' and there's nothing wrong with having a 'casual boyfriend'.

I get annoyed when people use that term and make it interchangeable with someone married, or in a civil partnership, or buying a house together on equal terms.

On MN people seem to use 'partner' even for someone they've been dating for a few weeks. It 's bonkers.

@Mochachoc that’s not just my personal experience, it’s just how businesses work. If it’s not making money it’s just not a business is it?

you are obviously very stressed and angry (and rude) but I think you need to have a big rethink. Just keeping on doing what you’re doing in a business and expecting things to change is really not a helpful way of proceeding.

trust me I know how it feels to run a business devastated by Covid. But either you need to face up to the fact that the business model isn’t working, that you need to change something up (remember pivoting? It was all the rage in 2020!) or walk away and get a PAYE job to tide you over.

just keeping on flogging the same dead horse in a business for 4 years just isn’t sustainable, as your current financial situation proves.

all of that (perfectly reasonable) advice, which will no doubt get your back up, is quite apart from your “relationship” which sounds quite miserable for both of you.

OP - please look at this a different way. It doesn't matter whether this is financial abuse. If you'd had a thread full of people telling you it was - how would that change anything?

What would you do if you were single, or if you had a partner who had no spare cash? You would have to rely on benefits. It sounds like you've potentially been let down by "the system". That's not your partner's fault but it feels like you are blaming him.

Secondly, what would support from your partner look like? Him just giving you cash every time you want it isn't sustainable. Giving you money for rent to set yourself up was reasonable. Do you have a plan for how you get yourself back to being financially independent? If you want ongoing money for living costs, then you need to look at maybe moving closer or moving in with him or thinking about other ways to cut your expenses. Most adults can't support two households on their own.

I know lots of people in your situation - two adults with no children living separately. In all cases it works because they like each other and provide emotional support but want their own independence. But it's not displaying the long term committment that marriage or living together might do. You can't have it both ways.