Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

Then a percentage of his money will be inheritance tax, the rest will go to any brothers or sisters or, if none, cousins. If no cousins then, indeed, the state will get the lot.

You are getting a hard time, but you seem to completely misunderstand many of the points being made. You also don’t seem to understand what financial abuse is. While it can be uncomfortable in a relationship when he has so much and you have so little, he is certainly not guilty of financial abuse.

I feel like there must be something here that you’ve missed out, or are not explaining very well, for so many people to be telling you that you’re unreasonable, but for you to still believe you’re not.

Why exactly do you think he should be supporting you financially? Most couples who live separately also retain financial independence. What is it about your scenario that is different?

But again you are just comparing this to your life. Everybody has just vastly different backgrounds, life experiences and situations and for all of you to make such assumptions and warped judgement about my situation is just so small minded, ignorant and quite frankly extremely rude.

In answer to some of the questions and remarks:

1. No we did not meet online. We met through a mutual friend, a few years before any relationship began.
2. If the relationship did continue, there may be a time in the future when he would be completely dependent on me. If I had control of the finances and treated him the same way, it would absolutely be abusive, however most of you seem to think its ok for me to be treated badly.
3. His business has not been affected by the pandemic at all and he earns very good money. My business has been badly affected by the pandemic, my health issues and also by having to keep moving home from rented to rented.
4. We did discuss about a year ago him purchasing a buy-to-let property that I could rent from him, to give me more stability, with the intention of me then purchasing the property from him when I am in a position to get a mortgage again. He said he would do this but it has not happened.
5. The money he has helped with has been a loan with agreement to repay when I am more financially secure.

Thank you all for entertaining me throughout not being able to sleep. I am off to work now.

Yes I agree, but if people got hold of the wrong end of the stick, they should have asked relevant questions to seek to understand, rather than hurling abusive remarks at me

so answer the questions then:

• what do you bring to the partnership?
• what is you job and how much do you earn?
• how often do you spend time with your “partner”?

Good grief no, that's far too much like prostitution. Having a sugar daddy is far more classy ! All you need is a gold plated noo noo and a sense of entitlement.

Good grief. You are not married, don't live together and have a long distance relationship. If a 40 year old man asked me to support him like this I'd dump him.
What have you been doing with your life?
Why do you expect a man to look after you?
I think its time you grew up and did something useful with your life.

I still believe this is a troll, but sounds to me if not, OP seems to want the security of an actual relationship and she’s not getting it, as the only way he’s shown her he cares is to send her money. Now he’s not doing that, the cracks are appearing.

OP, this isn’t working out you need to end the relationship and rebuild.

This is an emotional issue more so than a financial one, channel your anger into being productive rather than resentful @Mochachoc

He sounds awful, you should definitely leave him 🙄 but you’re not going to as who is going to give you money, albeit not as much as you want, then.

Although it's probably a far more honest transaction

Thats awful, im so sorry you had to go through that.

When I was married and had a baby, I stayed at home to look after her for a few years.

I didn't have a penny to my name. My husband had everything paid into his bank account, and he even insisted on doing the weekly food shop so he didn't have to give any money to me.

I had literally nothing. I was young, and didn't realise this is financial abuse. I am older and wiser now, and will never rely on a man for anything ever again.

touché 😂

I think it is financial abuse and you should leave him, like, immediately.

Is that what you want to hear, OP?

@SpringerFall

Of course, ideally, all adults should be independently fiscally responsible, however, that's not the question OP is asking.

She's asking whether her BF should give her more money to sustain her lifestyle. The answer is no. If they were married the money would be legally seen as a shared asset - if he was withholding that, then it would be financial abuse.

Think you should be grateful for what he has done for you financially. You're not even living together, let alone married.

He’s not a partner though. He’s a casual boyfriend. He owes you nothing.

If anyone is being financially, is not you!

I don’t think so - financial abuse is, I think, where joint money (ie money you also earn or have inherited) is being withheld or controlled. He seems to be a very generous man who has bailed you out a lot and allows you to continue in a self employed business that really wouldn’t be sustainable if you were single. He doesn’t owe you a penny - you don’t co-habit or have children together. As others have said, if I were his friend I’d advise him to stop bailing you out and move on - your credit rating could damage his.

If you cannot raise the deposit for a new rental, you need to go to the housing dept and get put on their lists, and explore what benefits you might be able to claim. He’s not your personal gravy train.

I think the OP’s claim to financial abuse hinge on her feeling entitled to his money just by virtue of being in a relationship with him. The OP keeps citing the fact that this is how it should be in relationships, but unless that has been formally agreed then you really have no claim or entitlement to his money, no matter how wealthy he is. In most relationships where financial resources are shared (which in my experience is rare when you’re not living together) there has been a conversation and agreement that this is the case. And it should be reciprocal, so the OP should also be prepared to share. I think there is a huge underlying sense of entitlement here.

OP why have you started a thread to ask if you're being financially abused only to pick fights with everyone who gives their opinion on the question you posed?

You seem to have decided you're being financially abused and won't accept any opinions to the contrary. Multiple people are telling you you're not being financially abused, in fact quite the opposite.

If you want to be entirely reliant on your boyfriend for your financial stability then it seems you will have to move in with him and be upfront about what you can contribute to the relationship financially. Have you had that conversation? If not, then I don't see how you can expect your boyfriend to fully support you financially. I understand you think you're in a vulnerable position as you're reliant on him but it's extremely unusual to expect to be financially supported by a partner of only 4 years to whom you are not married and have no children.

OP, are you going to leave this greedy, hoarding, chainsaw happy financially abusive man or not?

Wow, he needs to run for the hills.

OP is not coming across as a mature woman at all.

You don't even live together!! You're long distance!! Have you even met in person cos you never mention him coming to you, you going to him, doing things together that requires money and why wouldn't you move in with him if you're homeless, unless you never actually see him in person!! You sound like a total financial scam artist. He has no responsibility to financially help you, never mind the amount you're asking him. You're a grade A cheeky fucker @Mochachoc

If you were being financially abused HE would have taken steps to make you financially dependent on him. HE would be preventing you from working, earning money, having access to your money. He is doing none of those things. YOU are making yourself financially dependent on him by not stepping up and taking care of yourself. This is not abuse.

Two things struck me with your posts.

1 The first is whether you line in the UK? Because you'd be entitled to benefits .
You should not be in a position where you cannot feed yourself. Have you applied for benefits?

2 The second is that being self employed and earning a pittance is (to my mind) a luxury and a poor choice. Can't you find a job which pays a decent wage and regular income?

The only people I know who work freelance or s/e have a back-up in the form of savings or - being blunt- a partner.

Have you ever worked and been employed - or is being s/e a lifestyle choice which needs a re-think?

You need regular work and at least 2 years of accounts to get a mortgage when you're self employed. Are you being realistic here?

If you used to own a house and lost it through being ill, that's unusual.
Lenders usually give some options so you can defer payment until your situation improves.

As you can see, I'm not getting into what your boyfriend should or shouldn't give you. If you were married or had a joint financial contract with him that would be different. But after 4 years together, and not married, this looks more like a friendship. A man of 50+ never married and no children doesn't seem to be looking for a permanent relationship - does he?

My advice is you give your career and earning potential a very big re-think.
And if you're in the UK you go to the CAB and investigate benefits to tide you over.

That's exactly what my mum said to me. It sounds harsh but it's true. We were subjected to absolute misery. Nobody should have to go through that