Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

I only wish I had money to squirrel away 😭

Do you have a gold plated noo noo ?

If I were to say yes, he's a vile abusive man who is controlling and purposely keeping you short of money would you leave him?

Or, is this meal ticket worth the extra effort of having to occasionally beg?

Perhaps if YOU are right you should dump his arse and go look for someone more generous? Would you do that?

Op how much are you earning - you could get working tax credits? Re Pip it’s very hard to get but hopefully you went through the whole appeal system. We don’t know what your difficulties are and you come across of being entitled. Can you not get a full time job? Your self employment monies is obviously not enough. He doesn’t owe you anything and probably is beginning to see you as a financial burden. How did you manage before you met him?

I have some sympathy for the hairy handed one, I mean OP. You must be offering some sort of services for your payments. Maybe take him to the small claims court?

If you really think he should financially support you, I would suggest him paying you a fixed sum every month for your basic needs. It would seem an odd arrangement since you have separate accommodation and expenses and you like to be independent. But that would give you the financial independence you want. If he says no, I think you should move on if you cannot live on his generous but erratic gifts.

You must be entitled to benefits that cover your basic needs have you checked and applied for everything you are entitled to?

OP, you have quite literally stayed up the entire night to convince strangers on the internet that you are a deserving case and your fella is a cheap skate. I think the poll results say it all. 🙄

OP, it doesn't sound like you even like this man very much. If it wasn't for the money he's given you, would you actually be with him? Several people have asked how often you actually see each other in person, but you have avoided those questions. Is there a reason for that?

Anyway, it isn't his job to financially support you. The help he's given you so far was kindness, not obligation. What would you do if he'd never been in your life? How would you support yourself then?

I know you've had a bit of a roasting on this thread and I do agree that your position is entirely unreasonable but I suspect that you're getting so defensive because you're feeling quite desperate. Honestly, rather than focusing on what you think this man should be giving you, you'd be better off looking at how you can improve your situation and regain your independence. You mentioned in a previous post that you feel you should be getting PIP. Have you had any benefits advice/advice on appealing a PIP decision?

If I were him, I wouldn’t see it as an equal sharing of assets, no. You’re in your 40s and you seem unable to financially support yourself. Stop your self employment and get a job that pays properly. If this was a woman who had a man demanding she stump up 6 months rent because he is totally unable to support himself, she’d be told to get rid pronto. What’s in this relationship for him where he just seems to be handing out money to someone who demands it from him? Maybe he should end it and find someone who actually is independent. Then you’ll find you have even less money but nobody that you can accuse of financially abusing you.

Op, I’m sorry but this is not financial abuse. well it could be defined as such in terms of uou financially abusing him. You are not entitled to his money and he has been very generous. Very generous indeed.

im sorry you’re struggling but it is not his job to provide for you to the extent you wish, you are not entitled to his money, and it is very wrong for you to become abusive and demanding.

Sorry, but it's absolutely not sounding like financial abuse. He is not responsible for funding you, but has and does continue to prop you up financially. If he can't/doesn't want to, he's under no obligation to. You need to start applying for jobs- your self emptied business is clearly not enough to survive on, and you need to stop relying on someone else.

Ditto. Glad it’s not just me!

It is financial abuse, but on your part not his.

Eh? You are the one trying to constantly get money off him. He's trying to draw the line by not giving you the whole amount etc and is trying to put boundaries in place. You are the one taking the piss here.

You need to support yourself.

He's been kind.

But you are still NOT his financial responsibility!!

You don't live together, you're not engaged.... From the outside it doesn't feel that committed.!!

This is like me having a tantrum as a rich friend won't bale me out!!

I wondered this. OP if you have no ties where you live, can't you move in with him and get a job where he lives? That would seem a logical solution

The last point that I hate making as people are not a fan gender reverses, but.. if you were the financially stable one and you made a post, as a woman, saying your boyfriend is constantly asking you for money, has been in a financially difficult position for quite some time and apparently has no way our without your comatant financial enablement and has just asked you for 6 months of rent up front and blaming you for not giving them more, people would tell you to RUN and not under any circumstances help this 'cocklodger

If op posted as a man, then the advice would be the same

If you were the financially stable one and you made a post, as a man, saying your girlfriend is constantly asking you for money, has been in a financially difficult position for quite some time and apparently has no way our without your comatant financial enablement and has just asked you for 6 months of rent up front and blaming you for not giving them more, people would tell you to RUN and not under any circumstances help this 'cuntlodger'

Sorry but you aren't married and you don't have kids, he owes you nothing.
You need to earn more money or sort out your situation if you can't afford to live as what would you do if he left you? How would you look after yourself? Move into a house share and start taking care of yourself. Yes it would be nice if you semi rich boyfriend would pay for more things willingly but that's just entitlement behaviour.

The other thing that occurred to me OP, maybe you are missing a trick here. You've inadvertently discovered that middle aged men with no relationship history may be naive and desperate. Perhaps you should seek out a few others to make long distance "partners" Could be a nice little side hustle, it can't be too difficult to occasionally have to beg?

And as for the chainsaw, when your "girlfriend" is struggling to afford basic living costs, it's not really very nice to deprive them of food or heating and then blatantly brag about buying a £3000 chainsaw. I am sure there are much cheaper chainsaws available, and surely any level headed person would not buy a sodding £3000 chainsaw if their savings had run out.

He's not depriving you, because he's not responsible for you. He has a lot of money, and can spend it on whatever he likes.

However, you are clearly not getting what you want from this relationship, so it's probably best for both of you if you end it, and find someone who is happy to provide everything you feel you are entitled to.

@LooneyLiberalSpaceWaster far too much faff, we have the internet, how about an OnlyFans!

Dump him then 🤷🏻‍♀️ and offer to pay back what he's generously given you over a certain amount of years.

@LooneyLiberalSpaceWaster disclaimer: I’m in no way advocating for that platform!

Can all the actual victims of financial abuse come and share their stories? Maybe OP can swallow their ridiculous shit then. I'll start, my father wouldn't buy food, so certain days we went to get fucking communion bread as food. Strangely, it didn't fill us up, but we were fucking starving.

This thread is shocking. How much money has he given you already op? I’m shocked you’re behaving the way you are, so demanding of him, like you’re entitled to his money and as much as you need and want.

I think he has to end this relationship for his own sake, it is far from acceptable how he is being treated, and you really are financially abusing him.