Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

Why should being married mean you cant be responsible for being a fully functional adult?

Surely to god this can’t be real.

OP, he’s your boyfriend. Not partner. 98% of people think YABU - does that not give you the tiniest clue that you’re being unreasonable?

You are not coming across well here at all!

(also, you don’t seem to like him very much. Why not leave him?)

If this boyfriend of yours dumped you tomorrow would you expect the equivalent of a ‘divorce’ settlement? 🙄

The fact that you think the council will just give somebody a council house says it all really. Some people wait 20 years on the list for a council house. There is no council housing. There is a national housing and homelessness crisis. You are not in the real world.
No I don't have any children, and I don't live in a flat either

You have a huge sense of entitlement throughout this thread and it’s doing you no favours in terms of addressing your actual situation.

Instead of complaining that you’re not getting enough help from people, because that’s just making you angry and financially worse off, focus on what you can do. Appeal the PIP decision, work out what job you can do with your disability and do that if SE doesn’t pay enough. Get financial advice from a charity (I think there is one called step change or something). Look at your housing needs and consider a house share or something while you get back on your feet.

It might not be where you want to be but it’s where you are. Like most of us, life hasn’t given you what you wanted but there’s literally no point just sitting and being bitter about it because you’re just going to end up staying in that position or worse forever.

Appeal.the PIP decision if you think your entitled
Can I ask you why you asked if you were being financially abused ( which your not) you are then having a go at everyone pointing this out ?
Don't ask the question if you only want everyone to agree with you.

You sound like a drain on him. You can’t expect a partner when you’re not in a committed relationship to fund you.

If the situation was reversed - you’d be advised to run and he’d be called a cocklodger.

Sorry - I think he’s the one who is being abused here by manipulation. He needs to get out.

Your not married to him or have child with him ,so your really not his responsibility.
Go to the council and get put in temporary accommodation like everyone else has to ,and wait for a council property
If your a single woman over 50 you are a priority
Claim uc

Guys come on - this is a very blatant windup

Yes I agree, but if people got hold of the wrong end of the stick, they should have asked relevant questions to seek to understand, rather than hurling abusive remarks at me.

HRTWT but have read all of OP's.

You live quite a long way away from him, how often do you manage to see each other and do you stay over? This isn't a prurient question but it might help us see what this LD relationship is about if it's not just about money, in what way do you support him in return? I believe you said that neither of you have family and that makes the relationship doubly important - does this matter as much to him as it does to you? Yes, you've been treated harshly on here but you've described yourself as a gold digger and it might help if you gave another version. Going on your initial post, I voted YABU to him being a financial abuser and you haven't posted anything since that makes me change my mind.

I don't agree tbh. You've been pretty rude in the face of fairly inoffensive questions. So the bunfight in on you. And totally unnecessary.

OP you asked if you were being unreasonable and have been told you are, but you’re not hearing it. Not sure what you wanted from posting but if it was just for people to agree with you, you came to the wrong place.

People are judging you because your post reads as if you expect him to just dish money out to you left right and centre, no questions asked and that doesn’t seem fair. Rather than get defensive and rude on here, go away and speak to him and also see if there is any way you can boost your own income or save money somewhere. That’ll serve you better than being a dick to people on here.

If you really feel he is taking the piss out of you, then leave him. Have higher standards for yourself.

I'm shocked you cannot see how unreasonable you're being.

I have no desire to be with a manchild who uses his money to dominate.

So leave him. Go your own way, in the immortal words of Fleetwood Mac.

It's irrelevant whether people agree with you or not. It won't change anything for you. If every poster had agreed you were being financially abused it wouldn't change your situation.

There's some really useful advice about potential next steps. Maybe focus on that?

Could you make an appointment with CAB to look at what you're entitled to through benefits? That would at least offer some support while you explore other options and give you access to money for basic essentials. If you've been refused pip recently can you appeal? If not recently can you contact a disability charity or similar to help re apply? Shelter or the council should be able to offer advice on housing - not saying they will have a responsibility to house you but may have a list of landlords who are more open to renting properties to people on low income/benefits

He obviously doesn't want to keep bailing you out, which is why you have to 'beg' and why he wants you to account for where the money goes. Sounds to me as though he feels obligated to support you from pity, and reassure you he will look after you to calm you down, but he'd really prefer not. And tbh, I don't blame him.

You are in a precarious position as any day now he could decide enoughs enough, so you need to sort yourself out. If your business isn't covering your costs, you're insolvent and need to seriously consider winding it up and getting a part time job if your health allows, or claiming benefits if it doesn't. Because from what you've said here, he has no obligation towards you, he's getting sick of it, it's not making you happy and you're on borrowed time.

Why does OP continue to harp on about being an single woman.
'some people just can take a single woman living alone'

Bruh I thought this whole thread is about you having a boyfriend?
Because if you're single, which you keep saying, uhmmmmm why the thread?

Quite a few of the replies are by one astute female writer who uses a name recognisable by many who, watch the popular US TV series the West Wing.

I didn't notice any other male usernames.

I was going to say quit while you're ahead, but I reckon you missed that deadline weeks ago,

Half of me agrees with you and half of me knows there are women who see a man as a plan

You sound like an absolutely vile person. You are not being financially abused but your "partner" definitely is!
What exactly do you bring to this relationship?

But you still haven’t given any information that would help people understand.

The situation as you described it is unreasonable, so there must be missing information that would clarify your position. Can you answer my questions as that would help me understand more?

Feel like this is a troll post to be honest. OP having too much fun arguing back with every post.

I'll bite in the event it's real, your partner is under no obligation to give you money. Sounds like you ask for it quite a lot? Also seems he has been giving you it and now it comes across you are taking advantage of him and constantly asking him for money.

You need to get hold of your finances, see what benefits you can get to top up, look into how the job is working and if you need to perhaps take up something else. If he left you then who would you be asking for money?

There is absolutely no way that OP isn't a troll.

I would start looking for other work, whatever the truth of the situation is you can’t rely on another person to hand you out money when he feels like it, it’s just not sustainable. He is showing you that he can’t be relied on so you need to take charge of the situation yourself. Whether that is financial abuse or not you can not go on like this.