Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

I understand how difficult it is trying to make ends meet on a very low income when your health prevents you from being able to work more. It’s depressing and so difficult.

Are you claiming Universal credit? You should be entitled to some of your income is that low. And if your health is disabling you enough that you can’t work much you should be entitled to some PIP too - have you applied for that? Those benefits could make things a little bit easier for you.

Unfortunately I don’t agree that your boyfriend should be funding you. He’s been really kind helping you out but as you do not live together it is not ‘family’ money - it is his money.

would getting a job pay more than the self employed work? I was self employed and had to take on a part time job too because o just wasn’t making enough money to get by.

How cringe that a mature woman is looking to sponge off a man with only £1.5 million in assets.

In real terms that's not much if it includes his house.

What is OP bringing to the table?

What does he get in return?

Relationships are a two way street.

Not one leeching off the other.

This!! Absolutely this

I did a pretty damn good job supporting myself without any help for the 25+ years in between.

I never said I think I should have child benefit. What a bizarre statement.

have you applied for jobs?

The lack of self-awareness in every single one of OP’s posts is the like of which I’ve never seen before.

“I’m the freeloading gf of a financially secure man and he won’t continue to support my grown up ass any more. Is he financially abusing me?”

Bluntly, I think you have issues.

If this is true, he is in no way financially abusing you, potentially more the other way around. You need to get therapy to address the way you perceive yourself as helpless and then go and get a job with a regular income and seek practical help from social care which enables you to be independent.

If it’s not true, you need to get a proper hobby or relationship and get off social media.

To be honest, in both scenarios you need to create a better life for yourself.

You're not partners if you don't live together or share your incomes and expenses. It doesn't sound like either of you want that kind of partnership anyway. As two separate households he is under no obligation to keep bailing you out. You are not being financially abused but I would be concerned that he is. You don't want to share you life with him and live together but you're happy taking an income from him each month. That's worrying.

If he was a woman posting in mumsnet about you then everyone would be calling you a CF / cocklodger!

You don't live together, share any assets or children so there isn't any entitlement I can think of to his money. He's already from your own description given you a lot of money - which is really good of him. Being in a relationship (long distance) for several years doesn't mean he should just be flinging ££ your way because you're unable to support yourself. Just because he has 1.5m in assets doesn't mean cash should be freely sent your way! So what if he's bought a 3k chainsaw 🤷 it's not your money - thinking he shouldn't be able to buy himself something because he's said he can't afford to help you is wild, it's his money!

Have you checked if you're entitled to any benefits? Are you able to get a PAYE job to bridge the gap in your self employed wages? Perhaps a PAYE job might offer more financial security if you're currently struggling with that?

OK, let's try being more constructive. How much to you earn a month and what are your out goings so we can see if we can help you with advice on gaining UC or budgeting better. Whatever you or everyine else on here thinks, it's clear that your partner is obviously fed up with giving you money so you need to be more proactive at sorting this out yourself.

If you think this thread has gone too sour, start another thread asking for financial advice.

You aren't being financially abused but you are financially abusing this man.

OP he doesn't owe you anything, he's not depriving you of anything and certainly not financially abusing you.

You need to reorient your thinking to "what do I do to support myself financially?"

I agree. It’s clear that one way or another you need to stop relying on your partner to give you money. If you stay together he is clearly not keen to keep funding you long-term, and he has the right not to. If you break up you need to sort yourself out by yourself.

Lots of people here would happily try and help you find your next steps. Whether it’s a job, benefits advice or so on. A lot of people are trying to help despite not agreeing with you.

So why are you not living together?

Unless he's made your situation here happen, for example he's put you off applying for full time work, he has encouraged you to turn down freelance work as a self employed person with the promise of funds and then withdrawn his promise, if he's given you deliberately bad financial advice to make you financially rely on him only to then withdraw support, then it isn't financial abuse to not give you money when requested, even if you're in a long term relationship. He's not controlling your finances except by not saying yes to all requests, that's not controlling its just a boundary. It's complicated probably by the long distance element.

The issue OP is that you’re not married, don’t live with, nor share children with him. Yes you’re in a relationship ‘on paper’ but when your lives are actually as independent as this you’re not a financial ‘team’ and he’s not made any sort of commitment to you, or requirements upon your life, in order to obligate himself to provide for you.

Its complete lunacy to be begging him for money and whilst you claim this is an ‘adult’ relationship because of your ages, I’m sorry OP but 4.5 year long distance relationships in your 40/50’s WTF?? Long distance is for teenagers and military/careers with impose it it’s not a serious adult relationship choice.

You've been in a long-distance relationship, for only 4½ years (so not long in actual time spent together), yet you think this entitles you to full financial support from your male 'partner'? You have a very unusual worldview.

I wonder if you wrote this thread intending to use it to further manipulate this man? 'Look, Mumsnet says you're financially abusive and should be supporting me.' Huge miscalculation. MN doesn't agree, and even if it did, we'd tell you to leave him and support yourself.

To avoid any doubt, a message for OP's 'partner':
Your dynamic with OP is toxic. She is exploiting you financially and abusing you emotionally/psychologically. Run!

OP he owes you nothing, you are very entitled. Can I suggest you find a job that pays you a wage you can live on?

No, but I do resent the fact that I have paid into the system my entire adult life and the system has failed me and I lost my home and everything I have ever worked for as a result of that. I should also be receiving PIP myself, but have been refused help

@Mochachoc

What are you wanting from this post?
From what you have written YABU. You are not being financially abused.

If you were married, it would be a completely different result, but you aren't and you're not even living together. Legally or morally, there is no imperative that he should give you any money.

Do you want financial advice or ideas for jobs to get your income higher? You are coming across as bitter which isn't a good look.

Well, you are leaching off your sugar daddy with no end in sight and seem to think you're the one who's hard done by here.

I don't know that I'd call that 'financial abuse' though; he seems to know what's what and can always kick your ungrateful, grifting ass into touch.

See this just reads, he has more than me, therefore he is obliged to help. Just because someone earns more than you does not mean they wouldn't want to ideally spend the money elsewhere.

Also you saying you'd like to be in a financial position to own your own home again and be financially independent, but due to him not helping you, you can't. So essentially you're saying without someone giving you the money you won't be financially independent? Which is not imo how life works.

What also stood out to me is that you never have money for 'luxuries' or to 'relax'. And that's his responsibility?? You're financially in a difficult spot and whilst I appreciate it's hard, surely luxuries are the first thing you cut. The fact that you blame him for not having luxuries comes across as a bit entitled , sorry.
The last point that I hate making as people are not a fan gender reverses, but.. if you were the financially stable one and you made a post, as a woman, saying your boyfriend is constantly asking you for money, has been in a financially difficult position for quite some time and apparently has no way our without your comatant financial enablement and has just asked you for 6 months of rent up front and blaming you for not giving them more, people would tell you to RUN and not under any circumstances help this 'cocklodger'.

No, but I do resent the fact that I have paid into the system my entire adult life and the system has failed me and I lost my home and everything I have ever worked for as a result of that. I should also be receiving PIP myself, but have been refused help

Thats cos you have someone you can sponge off or use.
He has paid money into the system. He has worked for that money yet you are happy to take. Then moan about him only giving you some of the money you require.
If your income is that low you can apply for UC as another poster just mentioned.