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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Embarrassed by my behaviour

145 replies

WineGumm · 03/06/2024 15:36

I’m embarrassed to say that I had a “tantrum” the other day in front of DS and DH. My behaviour is not something I am proud of and I admit I was in the wrong.

DH and I whenever we take out DS, it always seems to turn sour and end in bad feeling. I take DS out on my own and it’s lovely and drama free.

For clarification-I had been working all weekend and DH had been to the cinema alone in the day. DS had been out with grandparents. We had discussed the night before that we would meet up and have a look around the city and maybe get a drink or coffee. I was looking forward to us all spending time together.

We met DH and looked in one shop (5 minutes) I also bought a takeaway for the evening from a noodle bar (5 minutes) I asked DH where he wanted to go now and he said

“No. No way are you dragging us around a load of shops. That wasn’t the deal etc”

I said it wasn’t a load of shops, just a relaxed look around and a coffee. He stopped in the street saying “what do you want?! What do you want? Always being dragged where I don’t want to go” DS then said that “It’s always what I want to do”(He is repeating what he hears DH say to me.

I tried to ask what they wanted and it was just to go home.

I then told DH to drive DS home and I would see them in the house. I’m ashamed to admit I walked off from them and said I was getting the bus home.

Seeking advice as every situation just escalates when DH and I are together 😔

Last time we tried to take DS out for a meal DS found a potentially expensive item on the floor, DH told him to quickly pocket it and we fell out as I wanted DS to hand it into the police. Meal out was ruined (again!)

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 03/06/2024 15:41

You haven't done anything to be embarrassed about, your husband on the other hand....

Good on you for not taking his shit and leaving, you didn't have a tantrum by the sound of it either

Dennerfold · 03/06/2024 15:42

Your DH had the tantrum

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/06/2024 15:43

I’m very confused by this… you bought dinner and then were just going to browse through stores…with your food?

How old is your son?

it sounds like a busy weekend and neither your son or husband wanted to wander around shops. That’s a specific form of enter that not everyone enjoys. Your other example is just as odd seems like a low likelihood of that happening again.

Do you discuss plans and find something you all want to do?

hydriotaphia · 03/06/2024 15:44

It's hard to say as you don't say what happened in your tantrum. But as someone whose mum used to scream and cry, I can say that it is very very scary and upsetting for a child to see their parent to do this, so if you did this, I would try to talk it through with your DS and explain that you are ok. And try not to do it again in front of him.

Your husband sounds pretty horrible tbh. But I would still try to minimise the impact on your son of this kind of argument if you are committed to staying with the husband.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/06/2024 15:44

Oh I should add that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you telling them to go home and going off on your own. So I wouldn’t give that another thought.

loropianalover · 03/06/2024 15:47

I’m confused about where the tantrum was OP. Did you shout and scream, or cry? Or did you just walk away, did you say goodbye to your son?

It sounds like you just reached the end of your rope with your DH with good reason as you’re not getting along. I don’t fully understand why you bought a takeaway and were then going walking around the shops, but if that was the plan then fair enough.

5128gap · 03/06/2024 15:48

Thats not a tantrum. That's a perfectly reasonable response to the situation. Your H was confronting you in front of your child in a public street, speaking to you very disrespectfully and you walked away from it. Which is exactly what you should have done.
Truly OP, and I mean this nicely, you need to put a rein on this mea culpa attitude you seem to have. Because your H sounds like just the sort of person to take full advantage of it. Doing what he pleases and knowing you'll blame yourself. And your DS will be growing up to do just the same. Instead of regretting this, see it as the first time you stood up for yourself and the last time you let yourself be treated that way.

FOJN · 03/06/2024 15:48

So when you asked H where he wanted to go next it was beyond him to say I'd rather just go home?

Sounds like he made a scene, not you.

Original poster
WineGumm · 03/06/2024 15:50

hydriotaphia · 03/06/2024 15:44

It's hard to say as you don't say what happened in your tantrum. But as someone whose mum used to scream and cry, I can say that it is very very scary and upsetting for a child to see their parent to do this, so if you did this, I would try to talk it through with your DS and explain that you are ok. And try not to do it again in front of him.

Your husband sounds pretty horrible tbh. But I would still try to minimise the impact on your son of this kind of argument if you are committed to staying with the husband.

I did lose my temper and walk off - telling them I’m getting the bus, I said “you take DS home and I’ll get the bus and I’ll see you in the house” I walked off towards the bus station. I didn’t scream and cry etc. I was calm but very disappointed that our evening was spoiled. It’s true that both had had a very busy day and were tired and just wanted to go home. I was disappointed as I’d been in work all day and was looking forward to just a nice coffee and a couple of shops. It was late - 4.45pm so shops were shutting anyway. I really shouldn’t have walked off to get the bus and probably should have just gone home with them.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 03/06/2024 15:51

I would rather chew my own arm off than "look around the shops".

I also want to know why you bought the takeaway to carry around town instead of on the way home?

BabySnarkDoDoo · 03/06/2024 15:53

It seems like your DH doesn't enjoy looking around shops as a family and there's some resentment over that which has built up. Possibly he has checked out of the relationship and is trying to pin the breakdown on you to make himself feel better? There was no need for him to be rude to you, he could have just said,'sorry I don't feel like looking around any shops today, I'll see you back at home'. Does he behave like this over other things or is it just when you go out as a family?

AliceCallous · 03/06/2024 15:53

That sounds incredibly frustrating. I'm not surprised you got pissed off.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 03/06/2024 15:53

So you knew they were both tired but still wanted to drag them around the shops. AFTER buying food anyway??

I'm not sure your DS was just copying DH tbh, sounds like he does feel its your way or no way as the 2 arguments you mention are both to do with DH not doing what YOU want.

Maybe try and discuss plans beforehand and have a firm idea but with a get out clause of being tired etc

IfMichaelMosleysVoiceWasWrittenasMusicalScore · 03/06/2024 15:53

DH and I whenever we take out DS, it always seems to turn sour and end in bad feeling. I take DS out on my own and it’s lovely and drama free.

Seeking advice as every situation just escalates when DH and I are together 😔

It sounds like there's a pattern of your husband sabotaging anything that isn't all about him. Is that right?

I don't think you were wrong in doing your own thing. How was he when you got home?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/06/2024 15:54

I should have also said I understand where you were coming from as you had certain expectations in your head for the evening and was disappointed they didn’t pan out. I totally get that!

Maybe try again on a not as busy day and by finding something you all enjoy.

Original poster
WineGumm · 03/06/2024 15:55

FOJN · 03/06/2024 15:48

So when you asked H where he wanted to go next it was beyond him to say I'd rather just go home?

Sounds like he made a scene, not you.

Yeah that’s when he started shouting that he’s not having me dragging him all around town and DS (teen) said it’s always what Mammy wants to do. Whereas we had discussed and agreed to do that the night before. I’d even found a fun looking video game cafe (they are both gamers) where I thought DS would love, but we just ended up going straight home.

OP posts:
hydriotaphia · 03/06/2024 15:56

In that case I think your DH needs to work on how he speaks to you. Fine for him not to want to go round the shops, but he could have just said that, rather than talking to you how he did. I also would have been upset. You storming off might have been a bit upsetting for your DS so I would try to talk that through with him etc. However, I don't think it sounds like you acted very badly.

Original poster
WineGumm · 03/06/2024 15:57

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/06/2024 15:54

I should have also said I understand where you were coming from as you had certain expectations in your head for the evening and was disappointed they didn’t pan out. I totally get that!

Maybe try again on a not as busy day and by finding something you all enjoy.

I do agree that on the other hand they were both tired and probably wanted to just go home whereas I didn’t want to waste our evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
WineGumm · 03/06/2024 16:00

hydriotaphia · 03/06/2024 15:56

In that case I think your DH needs to work on how he speaks to you. Fine for him not to want to go round the shops, but he could have just said that, rather than talking to you how he did. I also would have been upset. You storming off might have been a bit upsetting for your DS so I would try to talk that through with him etc. However, I don't think it sounds like you acted very badly.

Yes I agree, DS really should not have seen me storm off - DH then told me I shouldn’t be doing that as he grew up with a narcissistic mother who used to storm off etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
WineGumm · 03/06/2024 16:02

Thanks - hopefully we will try again. I did have a certain plan in my mind and was looking forward to a quick hour after work with DS and DH. Half term has been a wash out with a vomiting bug in the house so I was hoping to do something and make the most of time together.

OP posts:
Original poster
WineGumm · 03/06/2024 16:05

IfMichaelMosleysVoiceWasWrittenasMusicalScore · 03/06/2024 15:53

DH and I whenever we take out DS, it always seems to turn sour and end in bad feeling. I take DS out on my own and it’s lovely and drama free.

Seeking advice as every situation just escalates when DH and I are together 😔

It sounds like there's a pattern of your husband sabotaging anything that isn't all about him. Is that right?

I don't think you were wrong in doing your own thing. How was he when you got home?

i ended up going back with them in the car. DH was all happy again on the drive home suggesting that we drive to a nice restaurant for tea - even though I had just bought an expensive take away and was still in my work clothes/no make up etc.

OP posts:
LoveSkaMusic · 03/06/2024 16:08

YABU - only because browsing shops is for buying stuff, not for entertainment.

Equally, your DH was an arse and YANBU for reading him the riot act.

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/06/2024 16:09

Why are people minimising the DH being a twat just because they themselves don't like walking around the shops? Surely a couple in a relationship can decide what to do without rudeness or creating a row. If the H didn't want to look round the shops, then he could've nicely suggested an alternative or put up with it because that's what you do when you love someone and want to make them happy?

It sounds like your DH is contemptuous of you. Do you think the relationship is on its way out, OP?

idkbroidk · 03/06/2024 16:09

oh, are you the poster who's son found the airpods on the floor, and decided to keep them, and you thought they should be handed in as lost property, and your 'D'H wanted your son to steal them?

Notimeforaname · 03/06/2024 16:12

You didn't have a tantrum. Your husband did. He is controlling. Thats why he was happy in the car because he got you to do what he wanted. As a pp said, it looks a bit like he sabotages anything not about him.

Walking away from a situation you dont want to be around is not losing your temper. You didn't shout. You did nothing wrong.