Embarrassed by my behaviour

[WineGumm]

I’m embarrassed to say that I had a “tantrum” the other day in front of DS and DH. My behaviour is not something I am proud of and I admit I was in the wrong.

DH and I whenever we take out DS, it always seems to turn sour and end in bad feeling. I take DS out on my own and it’s lovely and drama free.

For clarification-I had been working all weekend and DH had been to the cinema alone in the day. DS had been out with grandparents. We had discussed the night before that we would meet up and have a look around the city and maybe get a drink or coffee. I was looking forward to us all spending time together.

We met DH and looked in one shop (5 minutes) I also bought a takeaway for the evening from a noodle bar (5 minutes) I asked DH where he wanted to go now and he said

“No. No way are you dragging us around a load of shops. That wasn’t the deal etc”

I said it wasn’t a load of shops, just a relaxed look around and a coffee. He stopped in the street saying “what do you want?! What do you want? Always being dragged where I don’t want to go” DS then said that “It’s always what I want to do”(He is repeating what he hears DH say to me.

I tried to ask what they wanted and it was just to go home.

I then told DH to drive DS home and I would see them in the house. I’m ashamed to admit I walked off from them and said I was getting the bus home.

Seeking advice as every situation just escalates when DH and I are together 😔

Last time we tried to take DS out for a meal DS found a potentially expensive item on the floor, DH told him to quickly pocket it and we fell out as I wanted DS to hand it into the police. Meal out was ruined (again!)

This.
Your husband is scummy, an awful example to your son on many levels.

^This^

The OP wasn't the one allowing her son to keep someone else's Airpods

It sounds like you all have communication problems. Everyone was tired no one knew what was happening and everyone wanted to do different things.

I think you need to be more straight forward with men especially, I found telling them exactly what we're doing and that there may be a handful of more shops involved works better, when I say couple of shops and coffee they literally are expecting that whereas with my DDS we can do things spontaneously, if we go into 2 shops or go into 20 there's no issues or questions.

If I'm out and we pick up hot food for dinner we tend to head home straight away, maybe they thought that was the case ? Your DH suggesting a restaurant just confuses everything even more.

This 100 per cent.

You'd agreed with both of them what the plan was the night before.

He was the one shouting.

Why should you stand there and take it. Your posts sound so apologetic all the way through, as though its all your fault. For what? for trying to organise a nice day. Neither of them could co-operate. Having a quick look as you walked through a big shopping area and having a cup of coffee in a nice cafe together is hardly torture.
Stop apologising! They are so entitled.
If they were tired, they could have just said so, shouting at you in the street is just awful and I'm not surprised you walked off! So the good example DH wants you to set to Teen DS is that you should stand there and be shouted at, berated and complained at in public for daring to suggest a quick outing together that they all agreed to the day before, is it?

Id also be having a chat with teen DS, and explaining to him that there is a nice way to say that you would like to go home and his intervention wasn't it. Joining in with complaints when DH was telling you off was really disrespectful. If he feels you always decide everything ( and it sounds like that's difficult anyway because they don't co-operate) then he should have a respectful and polite chat about it. I bet you'd blooming well love it if he decided to organise a day out.

Given your update, as another pp said DH was happy in the car on the way home, because he'd got you to agree.

Yeah sounds like a DH problem. Perhaps look at whether narcissism runs in families…

Whilst I do agree with what you are saying in a way.
I couldn't help but think... Why?
Why should we have to be more straightforward with men...Telling them exactly what they are going to be doing, and therefore its understandable if they have a hissy fit if plans don't work out?

I'm a bit guilty of this myself and its really annoying so I'm not having a go at you. It is kind of expected in general I think.

But why do they have to be spoon fed, and querulous if they are not? OP said she'd done that the day before anyway as I recall. Isn't that setting ourselves and them up for them to back out of planning or family organising in general, with the Mum being the tour guide and at fault if they don't like it.

Whilst women can be more flexible and can do things spontaneously with no issues or questions?

One thing ive learned with raising boy is that they dont like going shop to shop looking in shop to shop.
However i hated going in game shops going fishing JD sports shop etc.
I did until they got older then id tell them to piss off and we would do our own thing.

YABU - only because browsing shops is for buying stuff, not for entertainment

No it isn't lol what are you on about?

I just can't get past the thought of congealing luke warm noodles being carried around shops.
It sounds like the communication in your relationship is poor.
I don't mind a browse around shops but if DH said let's meet in town after work for a coffee it's not what I'd expect and after a long day, not what I'd want. However at your what next question, I would've said "I thought we were just getting coffee, if not I'd rather go home and also why are you carrying noodles around in a bag?"

I didn't read the airpods thread.

I thought the same thing. Buying takeaway would be the last thing i did before going home. Definitely wouldn't browse more shops after buying food.

Your husband sounds like he had a tantrum not you.

@MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira

"I thought we were just getting coffee, if not I'd rather go home and also why are you carrying noodles around in a bag?"

😂

This paragraph also really tickled me.

I can’t really move past buying noodles to take shopping and then home tbh. I think for that, YABU

Yabu. Why are you buying a takeaway and then wanting to go round shops and go sit in a coffee shop. I just don't understand. To me buying a takeaway would mean where heading home not where gonna hang around for hours while the takeaway gets cold and everyone gets hungry.

I think the whole plan was a bad idea from the get go, in all honesty I understand they agreed to it, but honestly, a coffee and a browse around the shops on a Sunday(?) evening was never likely to go down well - especially when you'd been at work all weekend, DS had been out with GP's and DH clearly wasn't interested.

I understand wanting to spend time together but sometimes I think you do need to be realistic - it would probably have been better to arrange a meal instead, so you'd all have had time to shower/change/relax first.

I do think DH's behaviour started the row though, not yours.

I said “you take DS home and I’ll get the bus and I’ll see you in the house” I walked off towards the bus station. I didn’t scream and cry etc. I was calm but very disappointed that our evening was spoiled.
This is not a tantrum 😂

Oh god, not the airpods wanker again?!
OP, he's a right twat. I remember your last post well, and he's not a good person and is a bad influence on your son. He's learning to treat you like shit and that you will just take it. Your tantrum was nothing-I'd have fucked off with the car keys and left them to get the bus. I'd have also been planning my separation.

How can dh say looking around "wasn't the deal" when you all had agreed to "have a look around the city."
Sounds like dh started the row and ds is taking after him. The behaviour to gang up on you is awful.
How else are you treated disrespectfully? 🤔

I also hate shopping especially that sort of aimless looking around. I feel sorry for your DH and DS and I'm surprised how many people think you are in the right to try to drag a couple of tired hungry people around some shops!

I've walked off on my family on at least 2 occasions when I'd had enough of them all. Both times when we were all in town together and the teen DC were being rude and entitled and I felt DH was undermining me trying to deal with them (he is Captain Cave -In) I figured he can deal with it as he sees fit and I'll walk back on my own and calm down. I even switched my phone data off for good measure. I don't think it's that bad or feel very guilty about it. It all blew over by the time I got back and nothing more was said.

You need to demand more respect, your DH needs to give you more respect. Show your son how couples are meant to treat each other and what boundaries look like. If your DH really did grow up with a narcissist mother, that can be really damaging. Toxic behaviours can trickle down through families. If he wants to put it right that’s a start, but he needs to admit he has a lot of work to do so he doesn’t pass on the same toxic disrespect to his son.

Browsing shops for me is painful, dragging two other humans who didn’t want to do it while laden with noodles even more painful. I recall my Mom making me look around shops and it wasn’t fun.

I think that the dh claiming to have been raised by a narcissistic mother is actually a narcissist himself.

You haven’t done anything wrong op. The people you were out with though….

You said your h had had a really busy day, but in your op you said he'd been to the cinema on his own. Doesn't sound like a really busy day to me!