Embarrassed by my behaviour

[WineGumm]

I’m embarrassed to say that I had a “tantrum” the other day in front of DS and DH. My behaviour is not something I am proud of and I admit I was in the wrong.

DH and I whenever we take out DS, it always seems to turn sour and end in bad feeling. I take DS out on my own and it’s lovely and drama free.

For clarification-I had been working all weekend and DH had been to the cinema alone in the day. DS had been out with grandparents. We had discussed the night before that we would meet up and have a look around the city and maybe get a drink or coffee. I was looking forward to us all spending time together.

We met DH and looked in one shop (5 minutes) I also bought a takeaway for the evening from a noodle bar (5 minutes) I asked DH where he wanted to go now and he said

“No. No way are you dragging us around a load of shops. That wasn’t the deal etc”

I said it wasn’t a load of shops, just a relaxed look around and a coffee. He stopped in the street saying “what do you want?! What do you want? Always being dragged where I don’t want to go” DS then said that “It’s always what I want to do”(He is repeating what he hears DH say to me.

I tried to ask what they wanted and it was just to go home.

I then told DH to drive DS home and I would see them in the house. I’m ashamed to admit I walked off from them and said I was getting the bus home.

Seeking advice as every situation just escalates when DH and I are together 😔

Last time we tried to take DS out for a meal DS found a potentially expensive item on the floor, DH told him to quickly pocket it and we fell out as I wanted DS to hand it into the police. Meal out was ruined (again!)

Definitely speak to DS without DH around. Ask him what he meant by “it’s always what mammy wants” - ask him to justify that statement (not in a confrontational way, just ask for examples of where this has happened). Hopefully it will get him to see that what he said wasn’t fair (unless you do usually get your way all the time, but doesn’t sound like it from the thread) and to realise that just parroting what his dad says is really unkind to you. It’s not trying to get him to turn against his dad, but maybe another time he’d see that just thoughtlessly backing him isn’t right, and that if he really didn’t want to walk around the shops he should have found a better way to say it.

OK, only read your posts op, not the whole thread:

1. he threw the tantrum, not you
2. you son shouldn't speak to you like that
3. quite right for you to leave them to it, and for your son to see - he needs to learn that treating people with such disrespect the way they both did has reasonable consequences

Your husband is sounding a bit of a controlling /coercive dick tbh. Is it always considered a 'tantrum' or hysteria when you put your foot down?
Does he usually demonstrate such behaviour to undermine you (in from of your son) and get his own way?
How else is your son imitating his father and learning to treat you (and others) badly?

I hope you didn't apologise!!

’God maybe she was going to eat the noodles before going into the shop? Why are people fixating on this?’

Because she said they were for dinner later on. So she wasn’t maybe going to eat them before going into the shop.

OP your husband is a bad person and your son is going to copy him so what are you going to do? Life with him sounds crap.

Walking away is fine. It’s a good way to calm down and not exasperate the situation.

They both had a tantrum, well DH did and child mirrored him. They both said they wanted to go home mid way through your trip. You said you'll make your own way home then. Perfectly reasonable.

No matter if you looked annoyed, you'd every right to.

You should've just continued shopping and had a coffee, maybe chatted on the phone to a mate/read a book and got something you liked to eat. (Or whatever nice things you enjoy in town)

I don't understand why he behaves this way, it undermines your good influence on your child. He sounds incredibly immature and impatient.

If he dislikes shopping then why agree to go?
He needs to apologise.

You said that they were both tired. How tiring is sitting in the cinema in the afternoon as you said your husband did. So he got to have a nice relaxing afternoon to himself. You son had a nice afternoon with his grandparents. You went to work. But they are tired. Do you always put yourself last and have no expectations for you. When is it your turn to relax. Start standing up for yourself. Throw an actual tantrum if necessary. They will see you and hear you because they certainly don't now

I agree, both need to work on communication here.

DH was disrespectful though.

I don't have that much to add, apart from that if my DH smelled food but I took it to browse through shops, he would get hangry. Food smells + him being a bit hungry and tired = need to eat now, in his case.
So if we get takeout, it gets eaten at the earliest opportunity.

Personally I find sitting in a dark cinema always makes me want to sleep! We also don't know what the DS did all day with his grandparents.

To me, it reads like it was a Sunday evening (as OP said she'd been working all weekend) and I suspect it was just a case of neither of them really being in the mood for traipsing around the shops.

Is your husband the type who always ruins everything?

Google 'narcissistic husband'

I remember this too, your dh sounds awful. He should have just suggested something else to do if he didn’t want to shop. He’s the one modelling bad behaviour to your son, not you, that was not a tantrum. He got his own way and was all happy again? I don’t see anything enjoyable about spending time with him, ever.

Last time we tried to take DS out for a meal DS found a potentially expensive item on the floor, DH told him to quickly pocket it and we fell out as I wanted DS to hand it into the police. Meal out was ruined (again!)

This is the part that stood out to me, and that many posters seem to have missed.
Your DH isn't a good person, and he's a terrible role model

@LoveSkaMusic

you are wrong . Some people like browsing shops, it would be entertaining for those people

Marriage sounds dead in the water OP.

Reasonably, you seem to want to spend time together but your DH and DS seem to want to suit themselves only.

I would be taking a hard look at the state of the marriage and having a word with DS too. Sounds like your intervention is needed before his father creates another ghastly version of himself.

I didn't see pods thread.. What happened in the end?

I’ve voted YABU - where was the tantrum??? Sorry but I breathe louder than a silent walk away. You should have told them what selfish shits they are. The DH doesn’t sound like a person you should be spending your life with at all. What an utter bellend.

I haven't read all the replies but it sounds like your DH had a tantrum rather than you. You reacted to that and let everyone go their separate ways to cool off.

Your DH sounds like a dick.

I think your DH was totally unreasonable, for agreeing to do this the night before, sabotaging it on the day, being rude and disrespectful to you in front of the kids and encouraging your son to be a thief. From the sound of how he talked to you it also sounds like he just doesn’t like you very much. He could easily have said “sorry, I’m absolutely knackered, would you mind if we head straight back and then do this another time” or something similar. If he just doesn’t like you much it is very difficult to come back from. Would you not just be better on your own, even for a trial separation?

Also I genuinely don’t think that anyone I know would pocket AirPods they found in a restaurant- we’d hand them in. That’s just downright dishonest and suggests to me his moral compass might be a bit off.

You didn't have a tantrum OP, the way you dealt with the situation was very good. By going off you gave both yourself and your DH/DS time to cool off.

Your DH is in the wrong here, whether he likes looking round shops is irrelevant because he agreed to it. The only thing I would say is if I was shopping with someone and then they got a takeaway I would assume that then meant home time to eat. But that does not excuse his behaviour.

I feel his airpod behaviour is worse. It's also stupid considering the owner can track the airpods....
Here's hoping your son did the right thing and handed them in.

“It’s true that both had had a very busy day”
Your husband had had a very busy day watching a film while ds was looked after by grandparents ? And you were working ?
Your husband had the tantrum, not you. Yes, a bit odd buying takeaway and walking around a city with it but would it have hurt DH to do what you wanted for an hour?
Doesn’t sound like you’re compatible and your ds copying his father’s criticism of you is worrying plus him not e planning to ds the right thing to do was hand in whatever he found in the restaurant.

Your husband sounds like a dick. I'd give up doing things with him

Well, it was your DH who shouted and had a tantrum, actually. He should be ashamed of his behaviour. I can understand if he and your son found window-shopping boring, but that was not the way to express it.

I’m not sure I get this, you sold it to them as a walk around the city and get a drink/coffee, but then you started going in shops and bought a takeaway.. which means you wouldn’t have been able to go in any places for a drink carrying your takeaway with you? Why not just do the shops on your own then meet up with them after for a drink/meal?

I can see why it went south because they were both tired and didn’t want to go round the shops and you misled them about what the plan was.. I’m assuming at that time they were more interested in a wander round to find somewhere nice to eat, which buying the takeaway put a stop to.

I think every one of you needs to think more about what the other people want, and not assume that because it’s something you want to do, that everyone else will be willing participants, that is why your outings are unsuccessful.

Wow, if this is a tantrum, I don’t know what you call my occasional outbursts and flounces

Were you going to take a bag of hot food into a cafe?