Embarrassed by my behaviour

[WineGumm]

I’m embarrassed to say that I had a “tantrum” the other day in front of DS and DH. My behaviour is not something I am proud of and I admit I was in the wrong.

DH and I whenever we take out DS, it always seems to turn sour and end in bad feeling. I take DS out on my own and it’s lovely and drama free.

For clarification-I had been working all weekend and DH had been to the cinema alone in the day. DS had been out with grandparents. We had discussed the night before that we would meet up and have a look around the city and maybe get a drink or coffee. I was looking forward to us all spending time together.

We met DH and looked in one shop (5 minutes) I also bought a takeaway for the evening from a noodle bar (5 minutes) I asked DH where he wanted to go now and he said

“No. No way are you dragging us around a load of shops. That wasn’t the deal etc”

I said it wasn’t a load of shops, just a relaxed look around and a coffee. He stopped in the street saying “what do you want?! What do you want? Always being dragged where I don’t want to go” DS then said that “It’s always what I want to do”(He is repeating what he hears DH say to me.

I tried to ask what they wanted and it was just to go home.

I then told DH to drive DS home and I would see them in the house. I’m ashamed to admit I walked off from them and said I was getting the bus home.

Seeking advice as every situation just escalates when DH and I are together 😔

Last time we tried to take DS out for a meal DS found a potentially expensive item on the floor, DH told him to quickly pocket it and we fell out as I wanted DS to hand it into the police. Meal out was ruined (again!)

DH and I whenever we take out DS, it always seems to turn sour and end in bad feeling. I take DS out on my own and it’s lovely and drama free.

Seeking advice as every situation just escalates when DH and I are together 😔

So why are you insisting they meet you after work for a "coffee and walk round the shops" if every situation turns sour? Why would you not just go for a coffee and shopping on your own? Or, the bigger question, why are you still with DH if you can't even socialise with him without it going wrong?

I honestly can't even get my head round suggesting to my family to meet me at 5pm after work for a walk round the shops when everyone has been busy all day?! How was that ever going to be relaxing? And picking up a takeaway before going for a coffee?? Were you planning on sitting in a coffee shop with your noodles???

P.S. Not jumping on the bandwagon about the Airpods as I haven't read the thread but would say this just sounds like a bad / unhappy marriage with poor communication and both on completely different pages.

Unfortunately, yes. He is a classic narcissist. Both his parents are narcissists and the more I read about this personality disorder the more it looks like DH has it. He has a superiority complex, he’s right and everyone else is wrong. Why can’t everyone be as intelligent as him? Etc. He is extremely intelligent and smart and he has no time for those who might be slower than him or think differently.

I have been trying to teach DS about empathy and kindness. Also what traits does he value in himself and others etc? I was discussing compassion, empathy and kindness and I tried to include DH in the conversation by asking him what trait did he value in other people the most? (Examples could be honesty, integrity, empathy etc) DH values “intelligence” the most. It’s not bad to value intelligence in others however at no point did he discuss the importance of being kind to others to DS.

God he sounds awful to live with let alone his parents. And a terrible example to your son. It sounds like most of your parenting is to try to mitigate his negativity and narcissism. Do you really want to sign yourself and your son up for this for the rest of your life?

Incidentally you may think you’re doing the right thing keeping the family together but as I see it you’ve got a limited window now that your DS is a teen to show him a positive example of an adult relationship if you can- otherwise he’ll have to learn the hard way that girls/ women in the younger generations won’t put up with being bossed about, gaslit and manipulated by men.

yikes I’d get rid if he exhibits narcissistic traits. It won’t get better and wouldn’t you rather be able to have some nice noodles and a wander round the shop in peace without that twat kicking off at you?

YABU to describe this as you having a tantrum.

I would also disagree that your teenage son shouldn't have seen you 'storm off'. It's ok for our children to see us upset, especially when their other parent is clearly manipulating the situation by making the comments about it always being what you want to do.

You're really hard on yourself. This sort of thing happens to people every single day. You were angry and walked off. For me, this is always the best thing - to go off and calm down. Why couldn't they do something nice for you for a change? They could also have left you to look around the shops on your own while they had coffees and joined together to go home. Or next time go to the shops with a friend and not with "the boys".

perhaps next time you can find a film that you all want to watch together.

It's time to stand back and look at the bigger picture here OP.

Do you love your DH? More importantly, does he love you? Can you imagine taking care of him if he was incapacitated? Do you have a 'voice' in the marriage or does the marriage only work when it's going the way your DH wants it to.

I can't imagine staying with someone that would encourage my teen to break the law, quite apart from the rest of it. In your shoes I would be making a plan for once the Ds has done his exams etc. that doesn't include being married to your 'D' H. You sound like you are near the end of your rope.

OP please divorce this man.

He's not going to change. All the pps that say next time...

Don't let there be a next time.

Your husband encouraged your son to steal, he's modelling terrible behaviour to him, and you are the one left at the end of the day second guessing your behaviour and I'm going to guess that's from a string of gaslighting you to make you seem like your perfectly valid reactions are out of control responses to their behaviour.

Your child is a teenager now. If you continue to put up with this behaviour all you're modelling is that it's OK to treat women this way.

He's old enough to learn for himself what you will and won't put up with and frankly I think you did the best thing you could do in this situation which was let them know you aren't going to roll over for them.

Not being funny but if it was me, I'd plonk them in the video game cafe while I browsed the shops. There's nothing worse than dragging people round shops, especially if they're tired.

Why is your DH so boring? and mean?

Thank you. I do want to leave eventually. I’ll be honest, I am just going through the motions. It has been over for a long time. I do worry about leaving due to DH not having any contact with his family, he also sees no-one, no friends outside our marriage. We are all he’s got, he says. Practically I don’t know how everything would work and leaving would require a lot of planning. I have checked out a long time ago. Unfortunately DS does model some of his father’s behaviour, DH calls me a narcissist in arguments and now DS has begun to call me one too. I worry that he would turn DS against me if we split.

Yikes he sounds horrible but you can’t let this stop you leaving him. He is already turning your DS against you. Hopefully DS will wise up at some point. Quite telling that DH has no friends and no contact with family. Sounds like a miserable life with him and you could be infinitely happier.

I honestly could write a book about the things he’s said and done in our relationship.

It sounds like nothing but early on, when DS was 3 years old, DH was mowing the lawn (I was playing with DS in the garden) DH came over with a big grin on his face saying he had just ran over a frog with the lawn mower. This wasn’t by accident, he saw it in the grass and deliberately mowed it to pieces. DS loved animals at that age and would have been delighted to have found a frog. DH took much pleasure in the fact that he had killed it 😔

DH justified it by saying his Grandfather used to do the same.

When you say you discussed and agreed the night before, are you sure you didn't just tell them what was happening and they just went along with it begrudgingly? I thought we were talking about a toddler but your teenage son also wanted to just go home and didn't want to faff around in shops either. Maybe have looking round shops as just your own thing to do if they don't enjoy it?

I think I remember you posting previously about the incident when your DH encouraged your son to steal the item he found - what happened in the end? Were they handed in to the police?

The thing about the frog is seriously disturbing - he deliberately killed something and enjoyed doing so. There is something wrong with him

Bloody hell. That is absolutely horrifying.
How in gods name have you stayed with someone so vile?

Yes, I found it disturbing too. It’s something that I always go back to in my mind. He was almost gleeful that he had killed it, seemed proud of himself and all that in front of DS too.

so it's at least 10 years on from that and you're still with him? Why?

You're not in the wrong here, but you need to start taking back control of the narrative instead of letting your H tell you and your DS how it is. I get that you've checked out of the marriage and are taking the path of least resistance, but you need to start standing up for yourself, if only so your DS can see that there's another way of looking at things from his dad's. For your son to be repeating his dad's insults to you is a terrible state of affairs and one you can't let slide. And the fact that you're here trying to tell us you had a tantrum and you feel ashamed of yourself means you're falling for the gaslight too. My personal opinion is that you need to get out of the marriage sooner rather than later, but if you feel you need to stay for whatever reason, you need to start challenging that dominant narrative promptly and calmly, so your DS can see what your H is up to. If your H is a narcissist, it won't change anything, but it could save your relationship with your DS.

The frog thing is pathological. Not quite sure how you could stay with someone who did that in front of a 3yo and boasted about it too. What was stopping you leaving? What's stopping you now?

Fuck!

I would engineer a situation that meant that DH had no access to DS as wrong as that sentence sounds. Christ on a bike OP, this is as bad as it gets as regards long term damage to your boy.

It’s horrific isn’t it? I have left him twice but we’ve ended up trying again. He uses the fact that I tried to end it as a weapon in arguments - escalates it immediately to - “Are you going to throw me out again?” Even if we are only arguing about the housework etc. Says stuff like this in front of DS, even though I beg him not to speak like that in front of him and to protect him and keep arguments to when he’s not around. When I left him the first time it was all my fault, he was sobbing on his Mums sofa in front of DS - Mammy won’t let me in the house etc.

Your husband is giving me the ick OP.
dump him.

Oh and it’s absolutely fine for your son to see you have a tantrum (not that you did). It does kids good to see their mother as an actual person with feelings and not just as some kind of robot just there to meet their every whim @WineGumm