Embarrassed by my behaviour

[WineGumm]

I’m embarrassed to say that I had a “tantrum” the other day in front of DS and DH. My behaviour is not something I am proud of and I admit I was in the wrong.

DH and I whenever we take out DS, it always seems to turn sour and end in bad feeling. I take DS out on my own and it’s lovely and drama free.

For clarification-I had been working all weekend and DH had been to the cinema alone in the day. DS had been out with grandparents. We had discussed the night before that we would meet up and have a look around the city and maybe get a drink or coffee. I was looking forward to us all spending time together.

We met DH and looked in one shop (5 minutes) I also bought a takeaway for the evening from a noodle bar (5 minutes) I asked DH where he wanted to go now and he said

“No. No way are you dragging us around a load of shops. That wasn’t the deal etc”

I said it wasn’t a load of shops, just a relaxed look around and a coffee. He stopped in the street saying “what do you want?! What do you want? Always being dragged where I don’t want to go” DS then said that “It’s always what I want to do”(He is repeating what he hears DH say to me.

I tried to ask what they wanted and it was just to go home.

I then told DH to drive DS home and I would see them in the house. I’m ashamed to admit I walked off from them and said I was getting the bus home.

Seeking advice as every situation just escalates when DH and I are together 😔

Last time we tried to take DS out for a meal DS found a potentially expensive item on the floor, DH told him to quickly pocket it and we fell out as I wanted DS to hand it into the police. Meal out was ruined (again!)

Sounds like your plan was unrealistic. You wanted to look around shops which were closing anyway and DH and DS didn’t.

You need to work out whatever one wants, what’s possible and then ensure it’s comminicated well.

How old is DS?

That’s me! 😔

From what you've said it's not a tantrum, youve had enough of your husband's behaviour and I don't blame you
I'd of done the same

I'm sorry I need clarification on why you would buy takeaway food and then walk round the shops with it?

It doesn't sound like your behaviour was really bad. It sounds to me like DH is stressed/unhappy and failing to communicate well. I do think it's on him to communicate his needs and feelings but it might be worth you bringing it up at a time when your both feeling calm. Talk about how you feel and what you want from the relationship too. You saying there's stress every time you go out together isn't healthy. If you want to stay together and have a good relationship communication and effort on both sides is needed.

DH was all happy again on the drive home suggesting that we drive to a nice restaurant for tea

Because he'd got his own way.

Don't get me wrong, looking round the shops doesn't appeal to me either, but I'd manage it without a big tantrum like your DH threw if my DH had wanted to do it and gone to a bit of effort.

Alternatively I'd have said 'Im not really in the mood for the shops, shall we head home instead?' like an adult.

Personally I'd have given them the takeaway, told them to go home & had a look round the shops by myself before getting the bus. Sounds idyllic TBH.

DH is a teen - he was disappointed that a gaming shop had closed down and wanted DH to drive to a larger version on our way home. DH refused so DS was pissed off anyway and wanted to go straight home. All in all the evening was a delight!

oh :( i'm so sorry about your dickhead husband. were the actual owners of the aipods ever found/did your son finally do the right thing and hand them in?

The thing is - at the risk of a massive gender-based generalisation - many women enjoy browsing in shapes and find it fun and desperate after a hard day at work, while many men and boys simply do not. You felt like you had planned a fun outing; they felt you were adding more unnecessarily time dragging them round pointlessly after a busy day. Doesn't sound like any of you covered yourselves in glory in terms of seeing each other's point of view.

FWIW, if it was me, my DH and by DSs, we would all have had the coffee together first, which they would quite enjoy, then I would have stayed on in town enjoying window shopping on my own while they went home. No drama or fighting, I just know after 20 years together than unless we are out on a specific mission to buy a specific thing, my DH does not regard shopping as a leisure activity.

DH then told me I shouldn’t be doing that as he grew up with a narcissistic mother who used to storm off etc.

Ah. Again, it's all about what you should or shouldn't be doing. He knows fine that the way he spoke to you was going to upset you, it was intentional.

Has he ever taken responsibility for anything? Is he always the hard done by one?

To be honest, I would have done much the same! I like to think I would say "well I'm going to make the most of the day as planned, have a wander around the shops and go to the cafe. You are welcome to join me if you like or you can take DS and I'll make my own way back home on the bus." But I'm just a prone to a good strop when the lovely day I had in my head immediately goes to pot the second other people are involved.

This is kind of my thoughts on it too. I know DH would be grumpy at the thought of ever strolling round the shops but even more so at the end of a busy day when I had promised coffee and take away (which in this case was already bought).

Op - I don't think either of you behaved great. It just didn't sound like a good time for that type of family time.

Dh and I always used to row in ikea so we set some ground rules before we went there and effectively hit reset on the whole experience. I wonder if you need something similar. Acknowledge as a family what you're doing now isn't working. All make your own lists of rules that you then can bring together and compare/compromise. Agree a consequence for breaking rules (maybe something funny) and have a shared approach. Go through the rules before you begin and all agree to try to make an effort to be pleasant to each other.

I know it seems a bit controlled but I think the act of setting shared expectation for you as a family could really help. If everyone gives a little there's a lot to gain!

You didn't have a tantrum. Your h did.

Your ds is copying nasty behaviour by h - nip that in the bud.

But if this is the way things always are with you and h, why are you still together?

It’s irrelevant whether posters or the DH and DS find it boring to walk round the shops. From what OP says, they agreed to it the night before. If they didn’t want to do it, they should have said then and not left it until they were actually out to voice their annoyance.

You did nothing wrong OP. You were calm and walked away - better than staying and shouting in front of your DS. Your husband sounds like a twat, especially in light of the AirPods as well.

Trying to train you out of going to the shops or walks together…
Fine. I would just leave him out of those activities and do it in my own time.
Takeaway could have gone in the fridge for the next day and you could have all enjoyed a meal out together. Sometimes, when someone extends an olive branch, it’s important to set things aside and accept.

Having said that, I could never be with a thief, which is what he encouraged your son to do. If he did that, how do you know he won’t steal from you or anyone else when you’re not looking? Despicable.

Why buy takeaway and then decide to look around the shops? It doesn’t make much sense.

It was a specific noodle bar that we happened to walk past.

I can’t understand why you would walk noodles around the shops and then take them home for dinner. The whole thing sounds chaotic and poorly communicated. I teenage boy is unlikely to want to wander around shops so maybe an itinerary needs setting next time: drink, gaming shop, couple of shops for you. Or swerve the shopping and have a wander around the city instead (this is what we do if we go into town - we rarely look in shops!).

FWIW I don’t think you had a tantrum and I think everyone was being unreasonable really in their own way. If my husband behaved like this I’d never have married him but then I think if my idea of relaxing was trailing round shops, he probably wouldn’t have married me!

But you'd have brought cooked food smells into shops! Who does that?

A look around the city and a coffee is not shopping. So I get his frustration. But you didn't have a tantrum, he did. You just calmly walked off.

The last meal being ruined is just daft, you a both arguing about silly things. Are you compatible at all?

I couldn’t have got past the AirPods, TBH. What a shitty thing to teach your son.

i ended up going back with them in the car. DH was all happy again on the drive home suggesting that we drive to a nice restaurant for tea - even though I had just bought an expensive take away and was still in my work clothes/no make up etc.

So in fact what he wanted was to go to a restaurant rather than out shopping?
Which I do have some sympathy with (another shopping hater) but you need to tell him to use his words next time OP.

I hate this kind of carry on where people label you as moody, hard-work, always want your own way etc as soon as you dare to have an actual opinion and stick to it.

Your "d" h doesn't sound all that nice and he's talking badly about you to your own son just so he can get his own way.

All very tantrum worthy, I feel your pain!!

i think you’re as bad as each other.

God maybe she was going to eat the noodles before going into the shop? Why are people fixating on this? Also it doesn’t have anything to do with why the DH threw a strop. It’s not like he cited the noodles as a reason.

Anyway OP, it sounds like he really resents you. Are you quite dominant and he quite passive? My guess is his anger has been simmering for a while and he’s stopped liking you so that’s why he’s being so horrible. And obviously your son is picking up on it.