Embarrassed by my behaviour

[WineGumm]

I’m embarrassed to say that I had a “tantrum” the other day in front of DS and DH. My behaviour is not something I am proud of and I admit I was in the wrong.

DH and I whenever we take out DS, it always seems to turn sour and end in bad feeling. I take DS out on my own and it’s lovely and drama free.

For clarification-I had been working all weekend and DH had been to the cinema alone in the day. DS had been out with grandparents. We had discussed the night before that we would meet up and have a look around the city and maybe get a drink or coffee. I was looking forward to us all spending time together.

We met DH and looked in one shop (5 minutes) I also bought a takeaway for the evening from a noodle bar (5 minutes) I asked DH where he wanted to go now and he said

“No. No way are you dragging us around a load of shops. That wasn’t the deal etc”

I said it wasn’t a load of shops, just a relaxed look around and a coffee. He stopped in the street saying “what do you want?! What do you want? Always being dragged where I don’t want to go” DS then said that “It’s always what I want to do”(He is repeating what he hears DH say to me.

I tried to ask what they wanted and it was just to go home.

I then told DH to drive DS home and I would see them in the house. I’m ashamed to admit I walked off from them and said I was getting the bus home.

Seeking advice as every situation just escalates when DH and I are together 😔

Last time we tried to take DS out for a meal DS found a potentially expensive item on the floor, DH told him to quickly pocket it and we fell out as I wanted DS to hand it into the police. Meal out was ruined (again!)

Stop listening to him. Hear it all as white noise. He knows he is pushing your buttons or he wouldn't get pleasure out of telling you things like he mowed the frog.

FFS cut off his supply and start to see him for the dangerous asshole that he is

I would get some therapy for your son, OP. It sounds as though your H has been messing with his head for all of his life. I would bet he has some anger, sadness and confusion to get off his chest. Dress it up as life coaching, or helping him get through his teens or whatever, as he probably thinks there's no reason for him to need therapy. And maybe some for you. But don't under any circumstances do couples therapy with this man. Honestly, I would just leave. You can't control what he says and does after that, but at least you'd be able to get your own head straight.

He purposely ran over a harmless little frog!!!?

Oh OP, get out and away from him. You aren't stuck, trapped with toddlers.

You can free yourself of this prick.

Incidentally, he values intelligence yet was encouraging your son to keep someone else's used airpods - that could be tracked?

He sounds like a callous idiot at best.

I think he's a lot worse than a narcissist, OP. I think he's a fucking sociopath.

Pretty sure it's the same thing..! But yes I agree

Jesus Christ what a drip feed. What started as DH being a bit pissed off about walking round shops has turned into him encouraging his child to steal and then we find out he kills small animals for fun?! WTF?!

I think you need to take some responsibility for the effect all this is having on your son and why you keep going back.. I really question why you would get back together with someone who is so toxic and damaging, not once but twice, it's not for love so why?

I'm not sure what you are really gaining by putting all this on the internet, people will be sympathetic with you, but ultimately this situation, you still being with a husband like this is your own decision and you're dragging your son back with you every time you let it happen.

Why are you acting like everything he does is out of your control? Like 'begging' him not to bring up certain things in front of your son.. and saying how horrific all these things are that he does, like you're a helpless victim here.. you're only a victim because you're choosing to be, you have the power to change things, your son unfortunately doesn't have a choice in the matter.

You need to leave this relationship. Now.

This, a million times.😧

OP, you are with a violent headcase and have allowed him to emotionally abuse your son.
That you tried again is really horrifying, having been told he was raised by a violent grandfather who taught him by example to hurt animals.
Can you really not see how fxxked up this is?
I think that you should not be surprised if your son exhibits damaged behaviour in the future as a result of the huge emotional abuse he has suffered.
Your husband is absolute scum, like his grandfather before him.
Your poor child is innocent collateral damage in all of this intergenerational violence.
His actions in deliberately killing that frog was worthy of contacting 101. He's absolutely unhinged.

I really, really hate looking round shops especially with other people but if that had been pre planned then they changed their minds then they should have just said no thanks we are too tired.

I’d have left him. Seriously that’s unhinged

Here's what my therapist told me when I was leaving my ex.

We are all responsible for our own happiness, and no one else's (barring very young children and dependants).

You are responsible for your happiness, and that will be away from him. You're not beholden to staying with him to make him happy.

He is responsible for his happiness. As a grown man he is capable of going out into the world and forming connections. He'll probably quickly find people don't want to form connections with him if he's a complete wanker and thems the beans. That's the consequences of his actions at play. It's not a bad thing for people to experience consequences.

And here's what my mum used to say, you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can't pick your friends nose, meaning you can't make other people's choices for them.

You can't live like this. In a few years your DS will be a man. He needs to learn now in his formative years that women won't be abused or manipulated or coerced and we are strong.

How he chooses to continue to behave after that is not your problem but you do have a responsibility to yourself to put boundaries in place and uphold them.

Get some legal advice about separating and also financial orders. You will feel empowered knowing what you are able to do.

You need to talk to Women's aid.
What happens to your vile husband is NOT your responsibility.
He is abusive and abusing your child.
Reach out for support and get planning.

Your husband it awful. Seems your son is going the same way, he speaks to you with such disrespect. End things now unless you want his wife to be where you are in 20 years time.

I really think for yours and your sons sake, you need to leave him ASAP.

Classic abusive behaviour, manipulating by playing the victim to gain back power and control.

Get shot of him ASAP, the longer you leave it, the harder it will be. He is an abusive prick, who will ruin your sons childhood given the chance. You both deserve better.

@Daisy12Maisie

no. If you’ve committed to looking round the shops with someone you bloody do it “tired” or not. Did you miss the bit about the husband having sat on his arse all day at the cinema? Hardly tiring that is it?

oh no, he doesn't get to do that. He speaks to you in a normal tone of voice, or you walk away every time.

Your son should not be subjected to seeing his mum shouted at. And if he wants to bleat about it always being what mum wants to do, tell him that he is welcome to make the plans and tell you what he wants to do now and again.

It all sounds as though they were tired and you wanted to wind down.

I would suggest in future either going out with DS alone, or being very clear about your expectations when making arrangements. But if your DH shouts at you like that again? Saying "don't talk to me like that, i will see you later" and walking away is good.

it is better to leave now. Your DS will grow up like his father, do you want that?

and why is it your problem if your DH has no family or friends? Surely that's a him-problem? go now, work out the logistics later.

i'm not even exaggerating, get this man away from you and your child(ren). most murderers start with murdering animals first, then move onto humans. be careful op