Money

[QuaintUser]

Hi,

This is my first post here, ive lurked and read before but never posted so here goes.

Im looking for some advice really, ive been with my husband since 2008, we moved in to together in 2009 and married in 2010 so quite a quick moving relationship.

When he moved in to my apartment in 2009 he told me then that he had a pre existing IVA for about 10k, and was ‘bad with money and credit’, to help him I took out a loan for circa £10k that he used to pay these debts down, over the next 18 months he then, without my knowledge, he opened up a number of credit accounts and cards in my name building up another 10-15k balance, which I then ultimately cleared and a number of arguments.

He then did something similar in the 1-2 years after that which I had to borrow 15k from my brother to clear and again repaid. This pattern continued as I helped him retrain and get through Uni, though he then stopped draining my credit for a while and built up his own balances again from 2016 onwards, fast forward a few years and he’s then also built balances back up in my name (all without my knowledge). He then had a breakdown leaving him unable to work, I then cleared the balances in my name and got him a loan to clear another IVA he had taken out.

Ive just discovered he’s opened yet more accounts and it has destroyed me after what I have been through over the last 15 years – I don’t know what to do? The lies and the deceit I cant get my head around, it hurts so much.

Finances aside we’ve got a strong relationship and a great family life, he works hard now and helps build a great family environment but this hurts a lot. I don’t want to hurt my family, and i love him, but I cant stand the pain and lies.

Has anybody had something similar ? any advice ?

Divorce him, you can't trust him and he's dragging you into his debts

It won't improve by the sound of things..you could threatening to go to the police about it

Why haven't you got rid of him yet?? He will never change. It's ridiculous that you think he's ok otherwise. He is deliberately taking actions that will put you into poverty. There's no "otherwise" he is not a person who you should have any ties to.

Get yourself an Experian account and check it twice a week. Then cancel EVERY card he sets up in your name. Rinse and repeat until he has had therapy for this compulsive behaviour. Give him a deadline to be “clean” by and stick to this.
One more breach of trust and he’s out!

Seriously divorce him.

Im not clear on how you can have a "strong relationship" or sex! With someone who would do this to you.
By this i mean deceive, lie and abuse your trust.

I'd be making 2 phone calls
One to the police and then to a divorce lawyer.

Edit: The only person who should be having a breakdown is you. Hes a lying thieving bastard.

How is he repeatedly doing it without your knowledge?

You cannot be serious. This is not a 'strong relationship'. You cannot trust him. I'd have divorced him years ago.

Op this man will ruin you. He is showing you who he is time and time again. You will end up penniless if that continues! As hard as it is, I’d at least be looking into divorce and seeing what needs to be done to set up solo!

Does he have a gambling addiction?

She isn’t checking her credit score regularly, if at all!

This sounds like financial abuse, with him fraudulently obtaining credit in your name and you paying it off. Please speak to Women's Aid and a solicitor as soon as you can.

This is truly terrible op. So abusive, you’re a victim of crime at the hands of the person you share a bed and a life with.

what’s the money going on?!

How can he open accounts under your name? I don't get it...
This is clearly a criminal activity and I would be down to the police station after the first offence. Strong relationship my eye...

Yes, it’s financial abuse. I feel for you, OP. And what is he spending it on? Gambling? Another woman? It doesn’t sound like he cares about you at all.

Get rid. I'm surprised you're still with him.

WTAF he's committing fraud against you and you have a strong relationship?

I don't know how to say this politely, but the situation is crazy. Of course he's nice to you, you're his cash cow. This is not love, it's exploitation.

What would you advise a friend to do in this situation?

Bloody hell- why do you keep doing this OP- check out the definition of insanity

I was going to say YANBU but decided on YABU only because you need to stop bailing him out. Everytime you do you are enabling him to keep doing it.

Kick him into touch, now.

He will never change, this is how he lives his life.
The fact he owed £10k when you met him is evidence enough.

He must be extremely glad he met you. You bail him out even when he commits fraud, in your name.

He's got no respect for you at all, he's a slimeball.

What does he use all the money for ?

Register yourself with CIFAS as being the victim of impersonation. Further checks have to be done for any credit application made in your name if this is present.
But ultimately I’d leave him, maybe not what you want to hear but he sounds utterly untrustworthy, happy to lie and deceive to put you into debt, and happy to allow you to pay it off and clear up his messes.

Five separate occasions he’s opened credit without you knowing / in your name. I’d never be able to trust this man again. What was he purchasing with all this credit & money? Did you notice and question any big purchases or anything out of the ordinary?

Yeah you really need to leave him. He won’t change.

Just checking - I assume the reason you're paying the money is to try save your own credit report and prevent any negative financial implications for you? If so, whilst I get the reasoning, it's not actually resolving anything. Experience has shown you that. The cycle repeats.

I'm not going to suggest you stay or leave, that's your decision and you need to make it. I would however have a frank conversation with him and tell him if/when it happens again you will report as fraud or whatever action is needed so you break your part of this cycle. Make sure whatever action you tell him you're going to take is something you will follow through on. Empty words will mean nothing here.

Does he think he has a problem? Does he understand the impact of this on you and your family (borrowing of your brother)?

You can't make him change. What you can do is make changes to how you manage the situation and what actions you're taking moving forwards.

The issue you have is that he could have messed up your credit rating and you may struggle in the future, particularly as you will need good credit if you split!

Go to the police. He's committing fraud by opening accounts in your name!