Money

[QuaintUser]

Hi,

This is my first post here, ive lurked and read before but never posted so here goes.

Im looking for some advice really, ive been with my husband since 2008, we moved in to together in 2009 and married in 2010 so quite a quick moving relationship.

When he moved in to my apartment in 2009 he told me then that he had a pre existing IVA for about 10k, and was ‘bad with money and credit’, to help him I took out a loan for circa £10k that he used to pay these debts down, over the next 18 months he then, without my knowledge, he opened up a number of credit accounts and cards in my name building up another 10-15k balance, which I then ultimately cleared and a number of arguments.

He then did something similar in the 1-2 years after that which I had to borrow 15k from my brother to clear and again repaid. This pattern continued as I helped him retrain and get through Uni, though he then stopped draining my credit for a while and built up his own balances again from 2016 onwards, fast forward a few years and he’s then also built balances back up in my name (all without my knowledge). He then had a breakdown leaving him unable to work, I then cleared the balances in my name and got him a loan to clear another IVA he had taken out.

Ive just discovered he’s opened yet more accounts and it has destroyed me after what I have been through over the last 15 years – I don’t know what to do? The lies and the deceit I cant get my head around, it hurts so much.

Finances aside we’ve got a strong relationship and a great family life, he works hard now and helps build a great family environment but this hurts a lot. I don’t want to hurt my family, and i love him, but I cant stand the pain and lies.

Has anybody had something similar ? any advice ?

i paid it off because if didn't id either be a single parent or financially ruined. Which is the least worse :(

How long have you been married? The settlement is less the shorter the marriage. Under 7 years is better from this point of view. If you don’t get rid of him now the problem will grow and you will still lose out later when you have more savings. It’s awful and so unfair. A lose/lose situation.

Also, you need to find out where the money is going. Has he got other accounts? He can’t really care about you or the kids to keep doing this to you. It’s heartbreaking to face that. The law is very unfair to women in this situation.

He’s banking on that. It’s controlling. I bet he also becomes very defensive when you mention it and makes you feel bad for raising it. Classic abuse.

You might find out that in the long term you are better off as a single parent because you won’t have this parasite draining you dry.

16 years, so I'm knackered

He sees her identity as his own to use. Not a separate person. He does not tell you because you would object and he would get what he wants. Why does he need this credit? Shouldn’t all finances be known and on the table? What has he spent it on?

It's fraud and he will ruin you.

Ideally you should have got rid at the beginning. Remember he will see you ruined rather than stop doing this or stop spending money.

Please leave him.

I bet he's a gambler ...

And the longer you stay, the more knackered you're becoming. You should've got out sooner, but if you resign yourself to it being too late now, you're making the same mistake again - and again, and again. Please learn something from this cycle and don't act so helpless in the face of it. Get help IRL and find your agency.

I had a husband a bit like this - not fraudulent. But financially irresponsible. He helped himself freely to joint accounts when I was earning a lot more than him. And it wasn’t for the kids or house. It was for an addiction. It cost me a lot to get rid of him. I was so angry about it for years. All I can say is that in the long term I am better off. I have control over my own finances. My pension pot is my own. Yes, I have had to pay most of the costs of the now-adult kids and he was trying to evade maintenance. But in the long term I have to say it’s better. There is nothing worse than bills turning up for things you’ve not purchased yourself!

Being a single parent in control of your own destiny is hugely preferably to being shackled for life to a liar and a thief who has no respect for you and sees you as a cash cow there to be taken advantage of and abused. I'm sorry to be harsh but you need to find your anger here and start taking back control of your own identity and your life.

OP, I'm just escaping my own very similar marriage. We've been together for 10 years. He's dragged me down and into his debt problems but I'm just on the final stages of my divorce. Yes I am giving him half of the equity but it's a sunk cost now, there's no point thinking about what's gone before. Think about your future. What happens in 15 years time when he's still racking up thousands of pounds of debt in your name, you will end up losing your house equity anyway. Better to cut and run now. Get out OP, it will never ever get better.

Report him for fraud. Ask the bank/credit provider for details of how they confirmed the identity of the borrower before making credit available. Go through their full complaints procedures if necessary. Follow up with the police.

See a good solicitor. This is financial abuse and may possibly meet the threshold for the offence of controlling and coercive behaviour as he is forcing you to pay off his debts or be financially ruined.

Op you being financially abused. He doesn't love you. You don't get hw person your love on thousands of debt fraudulently. He has no morals and does not care about you

Op contact the companies and tell them the credit was taken out without you knowing about it

I have thought about that but i dont want to land him on a fraud charge, ive got the bigger picture of my kids to think about. 😥

OP please listen to everyone. I know breaking up a family is scary but he has committed multiple crimes against you and the financial services institutions he borrowed from. This is really serious.

If my dh had taken credit out in my name once, he may have had a second chance.

If he did it again he would be an ex with a police record for fraud.

Wtf are you still with someone who lies to you and abuses your trust.

ive toiled for 15 years to pay this mortgage down, through his Uni / breakdowns everything, it would kill me to give it away after everything ive been through

💔

Not sure why you've posted if the responses all saying the same thing don't matter. I dont see what else you can do other than put up with the selfish prick.

paid it off because if didn't id either be a single parent or financially ruined. Which is the least worse :(

If you get divorced you'd be entirely in control of your own finances, you'd know what you were spending it on - you and your kids. think how much more money you'd have now if you'd binned him off the first time. You'd be independent.

It doesn't sound like you are in a good place now.

I'd find a local debt counselling centre to go and talk to. Just you.

But once you divorce and pay him out - it will be the last time
otherwise this situation will continue and you're effectively working to pay off him debt - which is basically your debt as it's illegally in your name
i don't think I'll ever be surprised by what women put up with to stay in a relationship

thanks everyone, genuinely. i can feel the frustration in the responses that i havent ended it with him and shopped him for fraud. You may feel that im a weak sap, i'm not, but ive got worry of the impact on my kids to think about too.

I appreciate your help 🙏

If my DH did that to me, we would be divorced. Raise the standard of acceptable behaviour.

You're being an absolute mug.

Add up all the money you have used to bail him out. It's propably enough to set yourself up on your own or at least buy him out of the mortgage.