Money

[QuaintUser]

Hi,

This is my first post here, ive lurked and read before but never posted so here goes.

Im looking for some advice really, ive been with my husband since 2008, we moved in to together in 2009 and married in 2010 so quite a quick moving relationship.

When he moved in to my apartment in 2009 he told me then that he had a pre existing IVA for about 10k, and was ‘bad with money and credit’, to help him I took out a loan for circa £10k that he used to pay these debts down, over the next 18 months he then, without my knowledge, he opened up a number of credit accounts and cards in my name building up another 10-15k balance, which I then ultimately cleared and a number of arguments.

He then did something similar in the 1-2 years after that which I had to borrow 15k from my brother to clear and again repaid. This pattern continued as I helped him retrain and get through Uni, though he then stopped draining my credit for a while and built up his own balances again from 2016 onwards, fast forward a few years and he’s then also built balances back up in my name (all without my knowledge). He then had a breakdown leaving him unable to work, I then cleared the balances in my name and got him a loan to clear another IVA he had taken out.

Ive just discovered he’s opened yet more accounts and it has destroyed me after what I have been through over the last 15 years – I don’t know what to do? The lies and the deceit I cant get my head around, it hurts so much.

Finances aside we’ve got a strong relationship and a great family life, he works hard now and helps build a great family environment but this hurts a lot. I don’t want to hurt my family, and i love him, but I cant stand the pain and lies.

Has anybody had something similar ? any advice ?

I don’t understand how he’s able to keep borrowing in your name. After the first time my financial information would be tied up tighter than a cats arse, change bank accounts, don’t give him access to account details, no joint account of any kind. If you’re not going to leave him, at very least protect yourself better.

In all honest though I couldn’t live with someone who had so little regard for me that they compromised my financial security so significantly. And for you to have been working consistently while he hasn’t, paying his debts while he hasn’t is appalling. He isn’t going to change, you’ll be back here every couple of years until you’re no longer able to pay your way out. He’s squandered around £50k going by your OP, money that could have paid down the mortgage, paid for holidays, provided security for your kids. I’d be done, whatever the cost now, it’ll be cheaper in the long run.

wow - sorry you went through that

There's a lot of truth in what you ❤say i know

sorry you went through this

he has had mental health issues, including a full breakdown

he knows all the personal details required and can intercept the post

You need to get some legal advice, because it could be that 'his' share of your equity in a divorce could be said to have been taken up in the criminal activities that he has perpetrated upon you. ie he has had his share.
Do you have evidence of all of this, and how you have paid it back?
I don't know, but a solicitor would, and even if you do not want to shop him to the police, you could get some legal advice that will stop him from ruining you.
By the way, are you sure he has not interfered with the equity in your property?

I'm really sorry but you've got to walk away from this one. He'll ruin you both.

OP you need to do the right thing for your children.

Tell the Police about the frauds and get a divorce.

Get some really good legal advice OP. Fraud is a crime. You may be able to use it in a divorce settlement. I don’t know.

Be clear in your head. This is a crime he has committed against you multiple times. It is financial abuse. He is not a good husband. He is not a good father. Good men do not steal from their wives. They don’t defraud their wives.

If you have succeeded financially despite him, think about what you can do without him!

Get fucking rid.

Op you need to freeze your credit immediately. Google how to do this.

i check my mortgage account monthly so ive not got concerns there, and there's loans etc against it.
ive got messages etc showing him admitting it was him who opened it etc and im pretty sure with IP address technology they could prove it wasnt from me if needed

https://www.experian.com/blogs/ask-experian/credit-education/preventing-fraud/security-freeze/#:~:text=You%20have%20the%20right%20to,so%20for%20free%20upon%20request.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/action-your-creditor-can-take/charging-orders/

❤

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Have a look at this nhs link www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms/

Honestly though op, i know its painful to break up your family, but he has already broken it by behaving this way

It is a hell of a lot of lies and betrayal.

Very sorry op. The longer you drag this out, the more he can leach from you so best to cut your loses. That will give you more time to rebuild too. Is it possible he could not be given any of the house equity bc of his crimes? He's obviously lying about what he does with the money.

You keep saying he knows your personal details, yes. But does he have your ID? You need ID to open an account. I needed my passport to open a revolut account.

Anyway I think it sound so far beyond saving. But if you insist on staying with him hide your ID, you'll prob need to cancel it as he prob has copies

You are deranged. This man is a user and you are a mug. How is he able to take credit out in your name without your knowledge?? As previously recommended register with credit reference agencies snd check weekly. And bin him, he is a liar and a thief.

op, you are worried about losing some of your equity if you divorce, you could lose the lot if you don't get rid of him.
Please get the solicitors advice, you don't have to press charges, but you do need to stop him.

Are his mental health problems the cause or the result of his behaviour?
The two are very different.

The fact is it will only get worse. Sorry but it’s the truth. Marriage is unfortunately legalised theft and I’m not sure the fraud can be used as a negotiating chip in a divorce because the law seems to robotically insist on splitting assets. But maybe you could try negotiating? All his actions say he doesn’t love you.

Be very careful as well about what you are teaching the kids. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. They need to learn this is wrong.

ive toiled for 15 years to pay this mortgage down, through his Uni / breakdowns everything, it would kill me to give it away after everything ive been through

It won't kill you. Don't underestimate yourself, or your kids. You know the alternative is this shit on repeat for the rest of your life. Five times is enough. If you stick around for more and enable him, then you're fucking not only yourself but your kids too. If you think he won't rinse them too, you're deluded.