Money

[QuaintUser]

Hi,

This is my first post here, ive lurked and read before but never posted so here goes.

Im looking for some advice really, ive been with my husband since 2008, we moved in to together in 2009 and married in 2010 so quite a quick moving relationship.

When he moved in to my apartment in 2009 he told me then that he had a pre existing IVA for about 10k, and was ‘bad with money and credit’, to help him I took out a loan for circa £10k that he used to pay these debts down, over the next 18 months he then, without my knowledge, he opened up a number of credit accounts and cards in my name building up another 10-15k balance, which I then ultimately cleared and a number of arguments.

He then did something similar in the 1-2 years after that which I had to borrow 15k from my brother to clear and again repaid. This pattern continued as I helped him retrain and get through Uni, though he then stopped draining my credit for a while and built up his own balances again from 2016 onwards, fast forward a few years and he’s then also built balances back up in my name (all without my knowledge). He then had a breakdown leaving him unable to work, I then cleared the balances in my name and got him a loan to clear another IVA he had taken out.

Ive just discovered he’s opened yet more accounts and it has destroyed me after what I have been through over the last 15 years – I don’t know what to do? The lies and the deceit I cant get my head around, it hurts so much.

Finances aside we’ve got a strong relationship and a great family life, he works hard now and helps build a great family environment but this hurts a lot. I don’t want to hurt my family, and i love him, but I cant stand the pain and lies.

Has anybody had something similar ? any advice ?

he knows all the personal details required and can intercept the post

You can change your bank accounts, lock down your credit file, have mail redirected - you sound very passive in the face of him repeatedly, illegally obtaining credit in your name.

so over the years he has basically stolen £60000 off you because by keep drilling up the credit debt in your name this is what he has done this is money that would have been in your bank account for you and the kids even allowing for sunk costs go see a solicitor to secure the home you live in if your married he will rinse you for his share of equity in that too

Divorce him now as the debts will also be taken into account and he'll be responsible for half of them as well. Ok he gets a % of the house equity but my bet is that you've already paid off that amount, or more in paying his previous debts off. The initial loss of equity will be well worth it in the long run.

You also need to make sure that you put a flag on your accounts, you can do this via equifax or any of the credit reference agencies so you have to approve any new loans or credit cards. Change all your email and bank passwords so he can't gain access to that.

OP. If you cannot see where the money has gone he is either gambling drinking or has some other addictive habit you don’t know about.

Are you 100% positive he has a job?
Does he spend hours on his phone?

Think long and hard about his habits. There is a root cause and if you can get to the bottom of it you can solve the problem

As I advised earlier, contact CIFAS and put an alert on your file. That means any time credit is applied for in your name the bank/organisation will contact you to check it is legit. It is used mainly to protect vulnerable people and victims of identity theft from fraud. TBH you should have done this the first time you discovered what he had done.

Indeed. He's lying and I'm hugely suspicious about where this staggering amount of fraudulently obtained money has gone.

It’s crap but you have to draw a line now. Unfortunately however attentive he might seem as a husband and dad it is all a CON.

Being honest OP, has he used his poor mental health to create a smoke screen whereby you are scared to really tackle him on this? It is concerning how little you seem to consider yourself and your needs as well as the financial needs of the children. This man has prevented you from having holidays, a nicer home, time off, early retirement or whatever. He has actively harmed your and your children's future. He is a selfish man who puts his compulsions before his family. I am so sorry this has happened to you, you are clearly very empathic and were very keen to start a family and he has taken advantage of you time and time again.

He's pissed away what could have been house deposits for your kids. How can you even look him in the eye?

Sorry, Ive only read OP's messages, but given he is unlikely to want to be imprisoned for fraud or prosecuted, and that you will likely keep main custody of the kids, which would grant you increased percentage in the house, perhaps offering to not shop him to the police if he accepts a full and final settlement of whatever you think is OK, may be the power in your hands that can get him gone without losing your home?

I am saying this with love and compassion, @QuaintUser let him go.
I picked up credit card debt that wasn't mine to get my divorce through. Exh was stalling and being a horrible knob.
It took me 20 years to be debt free.
I am begging you, don't be me.
The relief of being dh free, debt free, is incredible.

You cannot change your past, but you can change your future.
Sending you much love and a handhold.

Just remember you’re worrying about your children- he isn’t! Nobody who loves their children does this to their parent, he’s robbed them
essentially. You have to stand up for THEM and say no more, THEY deserve better! He will gamble your home from under you so I wouldn’t worry about losing half in this imaginary divorce

Haven't read through all the posts so I don't know if I'm being overly dramatic or if someone has already mentioned, but be careful babe, one day he just might take out loads of life insurance on your head and......just be careful, hope you figure out the right thing to do because him being able to do this not once not twice but several times, fool me once and all that

a good man - fuck me your bar on men is so low
however you knew what he was like when you met him
you bailed him out
he did it again
you bailed him out
he did it again
He has lied and stolen from you
but you have bailed him out and accepted him for what he is a liar and a thief
if your happy spending the rest of your life with a liar and a thief that’s your choice

he will carry on doing it because you carry on bailing him out he knows there are absolutely no consequences for him

if I was you I would work out exactly how much this wonderful man has actually cost you in terms of money probably around 100k

that’s money he’s taken from your kids
the kids he supposed to be there for and look after

if you stay with him
The longer you stay the more he will get
I don’t know if you divorce him could it be a case of what he’s taken out in your name would be part of his debt so you might not have to give him so much

either way I would get in tough with Experien and the other credit ref companies and say that you want extra checks if someone tries to take out credit in your name
it could be as simple as have a PIN number that anyone trying to get credit in your name has to input

I would also see a solicitor about the implications of all the debt he’s taken out and how you can divorce without having to pay him off and pay of “your debts” as well
as you could easily end up paying him off and having to pay his debts ( that he took out in your name )
and as your aware of it and you have done nothing you could be seen as being compliant with what he’s done and basically you are compliant as you knows he fraudulently taken money in your name and you have done nothing about it

I’d contact the police for fraud. 15 years of theft !
id pay off this last debt as the final payments ever.
How can this much debt on a selfish man who lies and is deceitful make you think he’s a good man.?
He is taking from everyone .

I would suggest you ask him for a divorce - he can stay in the house but you want to sever financial ties and make a will leaving it all to your children.

Push for him to sign the house over to you so and creditors can’t take it.

I say this in the nicest possible way but you are being a mug and a sap. I know, because I’ve been there. Luckily for me the amounts were a lot less and it only happened the once. I too, didn’t go down the fraud route as I felt ‘bad’ - wish I had in hindsight - but I still ended up paying it all off. I got rid as soon as he did that, though to be fair there were other things I should have got rid of him sooner for.

I know it’s hard and you want to protect your kids but he’s not bothered about you or your kids if he’s doing this, so you’d be doing them a favour. Kids survive and thrive in single parent families, especially where the resident parent isn’t having to constantly worry if their spouse is taking the piss out of them and commiting fraud.

Hi @QuaintUser - I’m so sorry that you’ve had someone that you are intimate with, had children with and have trusted abuse you persistently, to such an extent and who shows no sign of stopping.

It is very hard to leave an abuser so regardless of what you choose to do you need help. You are trapped in this dynamic and I would suggest counselling, debt support like Step Change, Women’s Aid or similar who deal with financial abuse and coercion. They can help you look at your situation with fresh eyes.

Your children are witnessing the financial abuse and stress. They will learn from
this dynamic. Would you like your children to either become deceitful thieves or financial victims? I expect not - but children who grow up in homes where there is abuse tolerated learn from that behaviour.

Hes done it 5 times. He will do it a 6th, a 7th etc etc. He will not stop. How many times will you tolerate this?

You will not lose the house etc. Speak to a solicitor. He’s a criminal, you are his victim and no court will reward him for that.

You will have to be the one that puts an end to it. I wish you the very best for your children and your future.

This is codependency. Google it. You are in the role of rescuer. I’d say get out.

@QuaintUser if he gets half the house equity , then that will be it.
If you stay with him it will cost you more in the long run.
Might even end up losing the house , bankrupt even.

Yes this 100%. Tell him you will use his share to pay off the debts you have already paid for him so he won't get anything and you will report him if he does try.
Use it to your advantage.

You’re doing worse by your kids by staying with him.

Staying is bad parenting. Leaving will be being a good mum.

Finances aside? How the f**k are you able to put financial abuse aside and continue to accept it!?!

I'm sorry, I can imagine you thought "I'm sure this is the last time"...but is it?

I’d be a single parent a million times over rather than spend one more minute with this fraudster!

What example are you showing your kids?
That it's OK for Daddy to steal?
That it's OK for Daddy to defraud?
That it's OK for Daddy to leave us in poverty?

Get out and set a new example.