Money

[QuaintUser]

Hi,

This is my first post here, ive lurked and read before but never posted so here goes.

Im looking for some advice really, ive been with my husband since 2008, we moved in to together in 2009 and married in 2010 so quite a quick moving relationship.

When he moved in to my apartment in 2009 he told me then that he had a pre existing IVA for about 10k, and was ‘bad with money and credit’, to help him I took out a loan for circa £10k that he used to pay these debts down, over the next 18 months he then, without my knowledge, he opened up a number of credit accounts and cards in my name building up another 10-15k balance, which I then ultimately cleared and a number of arguments.

He then did something similar in the 1-2 years after that which I had to borrow 15k from my brother to clear and again repaid. This pattern continued as I helped him retrain and get through Uni, though he then stopped draining my credit for a while and built up his own balances again from 2016 onwards, fast forward a few years and he’s then also built balances back up in my name (all without my knowledge). He then had a breakdown leaving him unable to work, I then cleared the balances in my name and got him a loan to clear another IVA he had taken out.

Ive just discovered he’s opened yet more accounts and it has destroyed me after what I have been through over the last 15 years – I don’t know what to do? The lies and the deceit I cant get my head around, it hurts so much.

Finances aside we’ve got a strong relationship and a great family life, he works hard now and helps build a great family environment but this hurts a lot. I don’t want to hurt my family, and i love him, but I cant stand the pain and lies.

Has anybody had something similar ? any advice ?

I’d of left after the first time! Why did you keep paying it off for him!? I’d of taken full control of the finances after the first time and no way would I let it happen again, he keeps doing it because you keep paying it off for him!

Umm he's commited a crime against you - multiple times.

He is not a good guy.

Let me repeat this is not poor financial management this is criminal behaviour.

He is financially abusing you, this is horrific!

Good grief, I can’t believe you went on to marry him, the man was basically robbing you blind.

Finances aside we’ve got a strong relationship and a great family life

Oh do stop it OP.

You have neither of those things with this deceitful man and you know it.

You need to get your head out of the sand, and his hand out of your purse.

This is serious financial abuse and he is treating you like an absolute mug and clearly thinks you're a walk over.

Why would you want to stay with someone who treats you so badly?!? I couldn't care less who good any other the other relationship bits are - he clearly doesn't respect you, and without respect you don't have a relationship.

Obviously you need to kick out the thieving bastard but immediately get yourself on the CIFAS Protective Register. It flags up your name for extra checks if anyone applies for credit in your name.

OP, I suspect he's lovely as long as he is getting his own way and has you financially supporting him.

You do not have a strong relationship aside from money!

Wise up and see this for what it is.....a financially abusive relationship. He lies repeatedly and will not change.

You do not have a hood relationship.
He had frauded you time and time again and made you work to pick up the pieces of his failings constantly. It's not normal to take out credit in your partners name. If you can't do something because your credit is poor the usual course would be to talk to your partner and ASK if they would please buy the sofa on credit and you'll pay the balance each month.. not just go ahead a do it.

This will never stop if you keep allowing him to get away with it.

He told you from the start what he was like. You 'helped him' by taking out a loan and giving him money. He fucked you over repeatedly and you responded by helping him and giving him money. He's continued to fuck you over and you still think your marriage is strong and he's great except for this, as if it's a small matter and not a massive and irredeemable flaw. How many times does he have to fuck you over in order for you to draw the line and end it with him? Because if the answer is infinite, then that's how long he'll keep doing it. He's not going to stop. He's proved that to you for 15 years. You're literally living the sunk costs fallacy.

A strong relationship is built on trust, mutual respect and love, to name but a few!

He has repeatedly betrayed your trust and disrespected you.

Advice would be to leave him.

What is he spending the money on? This is some level of "bad with money" to repeatedly run up 10- 15 k debts.

I think he had to hit rock bottom. Report him to the police. He has repeatedly obtained money via fraudulent means. This is a serious crime.

GO TO THE POLICE. HE HAS COMMITTED FRAUD.

Are you thinking this is why he moved in so quickly, so he could use you to take out loans and credit cards.

YOU DEFINITELY DO NOT HAVE A STRONG RELATIONSHIP, he is taking you for an absolute fool and you're letting him.

What does he say when you talk to him about it? What is he spending the money on? On the face of it this seems like a lost cause unfortunately; he has given you no reason to think he will change.

How is he still opening accounts in your name though?

My advice for you is to divorce him and tighten your security on all your accounts

thanks everyone - I will try to reply to your replies as much as i can ❤

To the people talking about a divorce, if i do this, not only do I break my family up but financially, he will likely take a large chunk (50%?) of the house equity that i have singlehandedly built up wont he? the house is solely in my name and i have made every single payment but i think i'd lose it all still?

Experian is how i found the latest batch :(

the balances will need paying down, he is making some payments but he'll never be able to clear it

i think there is some compulsion over spending in general

quite easy i guess, he knows all of my personal data and can probably intercept the post.

Its hard to shop the father of your kids to coppers, as easy as it sounds

ive pressed for what is it and it's stuff he says forthe house & kids and me, but i dont see it :(

YABU to have stayed with him and kept bailing him out. People like this never change, as you have found out to your cost.

Report him to the police, you shouldn't have to pay back this debt. He needs to get counselling. You need to end the marriage.

Get some legal advice about the house. 50/50 is often the starting point, but if it is solely in your name and you can prove you have paid the mortgage on your own and paid off thousands of debt for him, it may make a difference.

My XH did this to me on a small scale once before we were married and it nearly broke us up. He did apologise and never did it again. I would not have remained with him if he had.