Money

[QuaintUser]

Hi,

This is my first post here, ive lurked and read before but never posted so here goes.

Im looking for some advice really, ive been with my husband since 2008, we moved in to together in 2009 and married in 2010 so quite a quick moving relationship.

When he moved in to my apartment in 2009 he told me then that he had a pre existing IVA for about 10k, and was ‘bad with money and credit’, to help him I took out a loan for circa £10k that he used to pay these debts down, over the next 18 months he then, without my knowledge, he opened up a number of credit accounts and cards in my name building up another 10-15k balance, which I then ultimately cleared and a number of arguments.

He then did something similar in the 1-2 years after that which I had to borrow 15k from my brother to clear and again repaid. This pattern continued as I helped him retrain and get through Uni, though he then stopped draining my credit for a while and built up his own balances again from 2016 onwards, fast forward a few years and he’s then also built balances back up in my name (all without my knowledge). He then had a breakdown leaving him unable to work, I then cleared the balances in my name and got him a loan to clear another IVA he had taken out.

Ive just discovered he’s opened yet more accounts and it has destroyed me after what I have been through over the last 15 years – I don’t know what to do? The lies and the deceit I cant get my head around, it hurts so much.

Finances aside we’ve got a strong relationship and a great family life, he works hard now and helps build a great family environment but this hurts a lot. I don’t want to hurt my family, and i love him, but I cant stand the pain and lies.

Has anybody had something similar ? any advice ?

Think what you are teaching the kids. They may or may not know what’s going on right now but in the long term they are going to find out. They may see you as a cash cow too and feel entitled to a bail-out from you as well. Or they may end up in relationships where they feel they have to rescue their inept partner - to their detriment.

Of course you don’t want to break up the family but not all single parent families are bad, just as not all married families are good.

What goes around comes around and you would do best to make a stand. The kids will admire you for it. Anyone who doesn’t understand has not been in this position.

If I were in your position I would be getting copies of all the credit card statements so you can see exactly what he has spent all this money on especially as he is saying that he's spent on things which you have never seen for your house and children

I saw my ex’s statements during divorce proceedings. After we split I was being very careful with money so I could still pay for everything for the kids. He was meanwhile spending away online on porn sites and webcam girls. So much for family expenses.

This cycle isn’t going to end.

If nothing else, think of all those thousands of pounds that you could have been spending on your kids rather than paying off debts you didn't create! Holidays, hobbies, clothes...what a waste of money on a lying thieving bastard.

Why oh why oh why are you still with this person? Why didn't you pull the plug the first time he robbed you blind?

I think I'd rather be with someone who cheated on me than what you've just described. Your credit rating might take a lifetime to recover.

Actually, how do you know he's not cheating on you? What IS he spending the money on?

As your husband he would be entitled to half the equity. However, he has committed financial crimes and you could offer to not report him in return for him giving up his claim on the house.

I have voted YABU. Because you should have divorced him long long ago. He’s shown you what he is like over and over!! Get rid.
none of my business but is he a gambler? What’s he spending on?

I am incredulous that you have bailed him out 5 times!!!

Once would have ended my marriage, the deceit alone would have killed it, he has so little respect for you he doesn't care about all the pain and suffering he is REPEATEDLY causing you yet you defend him as the father of your children...words fail me

Divorce him. You will end your days in poverty if you don't. He will drag you down and you will not have the time / energy / resource to fix it. This is a form of financial abuse. Do not tolerate. Cut your losses and financial ties.

My exH was financially abusive. He still owes me over £100k seven years after we split and more than two years since divorce. Last year I had bailiffs turn up at my address and this year I received correspondence, addressed to him, at my address. He has no connection to this address. I have notes on my credit records that there is no connection and still his poor financial decisions continue to involve me. Get rid of him, a good person does not do this kind of shit to someone they love.

If it carries on like this you’ll lose the house completely anyway. I’d take your half now and cut your losses. Ten years down the line you could be homeless, up to your eyeballs in his debt and divorcing him then, spending retirement scraping together rent on half your pension.

Is it healthier for your kids to have a mother on the edge of financial and emotional ruin as a result of the behaviour of someone who has NO capacity or even willingness to change, or to have separated parents and a happy mother? I’d argue the second.
In regard to having to give him half your money I think you need to find whatever evidence you can of his crimes (texts you’ve sent others about it with the dates on them, times you’ve paid back debt, statements from people you’ve told about it etc, or even bring it up with your husband while your phone is hidden to record the conversation) and then seek legal advice urgently. I’d like to think anything you’ve paid off will come off what he takes away.

He’s stealing from your children and driving them to a life of poverty.

My dh work bag was stolen and he was the victim of I'd fraud as a result. He paid experian a monthly amount to lock his credit file which meant that no applications were successful without him being notified and giving approval. Worth you signing up for this op.

Separately I don't understand hiding behind the welfare of the dc to stay in these kind of marriages. And I say that as someone who was left a single mum of 2 under 2.

Why have you never asked him to SHOW you were the money is going??.. I would suspect gambling myself at this level of continued and compulsive debt, for you to say he's spent it on purchases for the house and the kids but you know full well he hasn't is pretty ridiculous to be honest, how can you bail him out multiple times with ascertaining where that money is actually going?

He knew after the first time it happened that you're not going to leave him, so he has no incentive to stop, when the kids are old enough he will do it to them to.

I think you should speak to a solicitor about the house, but at the end of the day the more time the passes the more equity builds, the problem is only going to get worse not better.

The exact same thing happened to dp

I'm sure his ex wife is a psychopath (from my many dealings with her) and I don't say that lightly

They met,got married fast and had two kids
She always wanted better,shinier,nicer stuff,but didn't see why she couldn't have it

She ran up debts in her name-dps mum paid them off (10k) with promises of paying it back-she never did

She ran up more debts,also in her name and dp paid them off (25k)

She ran up even more and again dp paid them off (15k)

She then ran up debts in his name (her credit was ruined),he'd had enough and paid it all off but said that he wouldn't pay off any other debts for her (20k)

So she ran them up again (in his name) on utter tat,just like she always had,while laughing about how she had a cash cow and that he'd never leave her (this was about 9k)

He left her-to her utter horror,not because she loved him,but he took his paypacket with him

There was no going back from this

He then met me (she claims I was the other woman but I wasnt-theyd been apart for about two years at this point)

She's still running up debts and trying to get dp to pay them off,even though they are now divorced (she ignores payments and we get the panicked phone calls when the bailiffs come knocking)

Get rid-what it costs you in equity is nothing compared to what it will cost you in the long term

He must think hes sitting pretty and you'll always bail him out

I would also ask yourself, how quick was he to find out about your job, house, savings. Did he push you to get married before you were ready? I'd worry he was a conman from the beginning, could be very wrong but you know him better than us.

Does he worry about the impact on his kids when he repeatedly commits fraud?

This would be an absolute no brainer for me.
I would start divorce proceeding immediately.
Stay with him if you want, as long as you are aware that he will never change

OP, this is me reading your post:
[...]When he moved in to my apartment in 2009 he told me then that he had a pre existing IVA for about 10k, and was ‘bad with money and credit’, to help him I took out a loan for circa £10k that he used to pay these debts down
"Aw, fuck."

over the next 18 months he then, without my knowledge, he opened up a number of credit accounts and cards in my name building up another 10-15k balance
"Of course he did."

which I then ultimately cleared and a number of arguments.
"Here we go again."

He then did something similar in the 1-2 years after that which I had to borrow 15k from my brother to clear and again repaid. This pattern continued as I helped him retrain and get through Uni, though he then stopped draining my credit for a while and built up his own balances again from 2016 onwards, fast forward a few years and he’s then also built balances back up in my name (all without my knowledge). He then had a breakdown leaving him unable to work, I then cleared the balances in my name and got him a loan to clear another IVA he had taken out.
"WOMAN. Don't you ever learn?"

Ive just discovered he’s opened yet more accounts and it has destroyed me
"Dear God."

Genuinely: what did you think was going to happen? You never, never, never take out a loan to pay down someone else's debts; if the banks won't give them a consolidation loan, it's because the banks know they won't repay it. He was already shit enough with money when you moved in together to have fucked his credit and you bailed him out again and again, enabling him to do the same thing again and again. He will never, ever change.

He will keep doing this for the rest of your lives together. It's up to you how long that is.

Add up how much debt you have paid off since you met him .
Put it on a piece of paper
How much will he get from the house if you split .
Is there much difference because you know he's never going to stop running up debt and you paying it off
Honestly it sounds a horrible way to live

And he will lose the house eventually. When all other credit has been used up, he will lose you your home

At least go to counselling op and talk to someone

Why are you still with this deceitful idiot? He will never stop, you have paid tens of 1,000s of his debt and he just keeps doing it. Why wouldn't he, you just keep bailing him out

Will he get some of the house equity? Yes, but I bet you have probably paid out a similar amount paying back his fraud

At a minimum get yourself on Experian and lock your credit so extra checks are done if someone tries to open credit in your name

Could this man be bipolar? Impulsive spending is typical. Medication could help plus a plan in place for when he is manic to stop the spending.