Friends child and gender change!

[Namechangeforthis44]

Don't know if this is the right place to post, but just need some input.
Meeting up with a friend soon, whose child has changed gender. I have no issues with that, live and let live.
BUT
Friend has indicated that we not reminisce about kids childhood as this will trigger her child.
As we have moved away, we only see them every few years, so the one thing we do chat about is their childhood memories.
I think it's unreasonable to tell my kids we can't talk about their memories while we meet up with them.
How do I tackle this?

Why would ballet classes be triggering?

Because in ballet classes their are very gender specific roles

Ever consider you can be kind, and supportive of children, without "actively encouraging it". life is not as black and white as you seem to think it.

But that’s more or less what PP said? Some parents actively encourage it, some are just trying to do their best given the circumstances.

Do you have a link to the 1 in 10 stat? I can't find it reported anywhere. Wondering where she got that information from

Did you actually read my comment?

I find it very weird that on one hand the OPs friend says she has a trans child and on the other doesn't want anyone to talk about the past. They wouldn't be trans if they hadn't transitioned from anything. Surely that is part of being trans?

The whole thing has such a lack of logic it's mind bending, and must be even worse for the gender confused children at the centre of it.

Asking other people to walk on eggshells in terms of what are or are not acceptable topics of conversation also will make an easy and reciprocal friendship almost impossible.

Except it's not just parents convicted of sexual abuse that's a safeguarding issue here though is it?

It's a range of other things which also need disclosure and to be dealt with.

It's also trauma - most notably from relationship break downs, parents being homophobic and wanting to adhere to overly rigid gender stereotypes and particular vulnerabilities such as autism.

All children need safeguarding and you don't do that with the parental creation of 'secrets' and forbidden topics for that child.

However well meaning a parent maybe this is always safeguarding bread and butter and a parent demonstrating red flags is someone I would avoid regardless of whether it's innocent or for more sinister reasons.

Yes if you are requiring everyone to treat your child with this level of wrapping up in cotton wool, you might want to reexamine whether it's healthy and what other approaches you should be taking in talking to you child about the inevitability of being 'misgendered' and the inability to ever actually change sex and the consequences of medicalisation. If you aren't having that conversation because you are more afraid of parental alienation you are more bothered about being their friend rather than their parent. That's not cool. And I think this is a massive issue generally with parenting across the board never mind over this issue.

Why would you deliberately encourage a lack of resilience in your child? And make their friendships incredibly difficult?

It's just so obviously not in the child's best interests.

I generally agree with@RedToothBrush and many others on this thread who don’t think it’s a kindness to participate in affirming children and teens. I do think they deserve to be treated respectfully and kindly (just like anyone else) and certainly not marginalised by others. But it’s not fair to expect/demand other people participate in their fiction to “protect their feelings”. These kids are probably vulnerable for other reasons, but creating a false reality bubble is not sustainable and won’t help long term. Fair enough pick a new name if you like, but that’s about it.

The major issue for me is the effects on others’ freedoms, privacy and safety of sticking a trans label on a kid and expecting everyone to fall into line. None of the scenarios posited upthread are remotely similar to the trans ideology ask of everyone else.

I don’t think all the parents like @Youmeanyouvelostyourkey are child abusers - I think they are in a very hard place getting conflicting advice from different sources while trying to cope with a horrendous situation. If I was them I would really worry about concretising their child’s label and leaving them no way of backing out. I’d be worried about their other issues not being addressed because of their trans status. I’d also be stressed about their child’s future as it’s sure to be really hard socially and medically if they continue down this path. People can be cruel and this issue is a lightning rod for good reason.

From what I’ve seen from my teens and their friends the rapid evolution from trans to non binary to furry to cat ID has ran it’s course and they are very much eye rolly; saying they are fed up with other kids assuming “special” identity labels. I hope it fizzles out and there is a way back for the socially transitioned kids (and those who have taken hormones). No one could argue medicalising a healthy body because of mental distress is ever a good option.

Thankfully, my daughter is perfectly happy being a girl and is fully aware that it is impossible for a human being to change sex/gender.

If she wanted to wear boys' clothing, do boy things and call herself "Jack" that would be fine. But I would never participate in the transgender lie that she could become a boy by saying she is one, or by taking life-changing drugs or hormones, or having mutilating surgery.

I don't think it is "kind" to pretend a girl can be a boy, or a boy can be a girl. They will spend the rest of their lives finding out the painful way that it's a lie.

You might be able to coerce friends and family to comply with the pretence, but strangers will clock who they really are however hard they pretend to be someone else.

It shouldn't really matter what strangers think, but in reality it seems to matter a great deal to trans people.

I would rather keep my child based in reality and accepting of who they really are (recognising the sex/gender they were at birth) than suffering the pain of realising later when permanent damage is done, that it was a false promise.

One of the things the Cass report says quite explicitly is that children who were affirmed as 'trans' did not have co-morbidities explored or treated.

It's so shocking that this one issue has been treated differently to any other situation in terms of both medical treatment and safeguarding.

What's even more shocking is that so many professionals didn't speak up to safeguard children and those that did received death threats etc. Cass was advised not to travel on public transport! It's insane.

I wouldn’t want my children mixing with such a confused child, so in all honesty I’d make excuses not to go.

Yep, shun children for being different, like we did in the good old days. That’s the spirit - it never did us any harm.

Awful

No. That's a complete misrepresentation.

if the child was simply gender non conforming, no problem at all.

What people are objecting to is asking their children to affirm this troubled child in something everyone knows isn't true.

There’s being different and there’s living a lie and expecting everyone else to play along. I wouldn’t ask my children to go along with the lie so I wouldn’t go.

Don't be influenced by all the transphobic trollop on here. I'm sure your teens will be very understanding and will have no trouble respecting this and its likely your friend and her child will be understanding of any slips. Try not to overthink it, relax and have a good time with friends.

I think there's a lot of people who wouldn't want to be around someone as awful as you either. Or are you a keyboard warrior and put on a nice act around people in real life?

All she's said here is that she wouldnt go.

She said she doesn’t want her kids around a kid who is confused. Does she feel the same about other MH conditions. Can her kids only socialise with ‘normal’ people?

Ah the 'it must be catching' crew are in the house.

Shame on you @EC22

You do realise you are boarding on hate speech?

It's not just that this child is confused but also what's been asked of her own children as a means of dealing with this confusion

Absolutely no one said anything about anything being 'catching'

Ffs they will probably be used to this at school and will encounter it throughout their lives. They really won’t be harmed by going along with a request not to bring up something that might be upsetting for a peer. And as someone else said it doesn’t mean you cannot discuss anything at all from the past, just don’t spend all the time reminiscing about a period that this child finds painful. You know like you would without question if the request was made for other reasons than gender transition.