Friends child and gender change!

[Namechangeforthis44]

Don't know if this is the right place to post, but just need some input.
Meeting up with a friend soon, whose child has changed gender. I have no issues with that, live and let live.
BUT
Friend has indicated that we not reminisce about kids childhood as this will trigger her child.
As we have moved away, we only see them every few years, so the one thing we do chat about is their childhood memories.
I think it's unreasonable to tell my kids we can't talk about their memories while we meet up with them.
How do I tackle this?

This

As you rarely see them anyway I’d let the friendship slide. Parents of “trans kids” are massive pains in the arse IME and very easy to offend. Her child’s triggers are hers to cope with not for everyone else to pussy foot round

It’s going to be a massive elephant in the room though and the OP, who probably doesn’t want to deliberately upset anyone, will be spending the whole time policing her thoughts in case something slips out by accident and it causes perceived offence. But that is the whole shaky basis of gender ideology. It only works if everyone is compelled to agree.

The reality that the child cannot change sex is going to catch up with him or her eventually.

So little Olivia is now Oliver (or vice versa) but to support this you and presumably everyone around them who knew them growing up must either re-write their own recollections of shared events or wipe them from history alltogether.
Sorry but she doesnt get to do that. Your and your children’s memories are fact.
If her child is so fragile mentally that they cant handle the accuracy of the past then they need counselling and support to amongst other things to accept shared histories cannot be rewritten, not pandering to their delusions.

I'd go and go with the flow... give your teens the heads up of what to expect. If it all becomes a tangled web of awkwardness of what you can and can't say, then this friendship is over.

I just think if your friend asks something of you which isn’t that difficult to do for the sake of not upsetting themselves or their child, why wouldn’t you do it?

I think it would be very boring to keep bringing up the past, I had a school friend like this and it was almost like she was stuck there. It’s one of the reasons we aren’t friends now.

In my friendship group of years and years, one couple broke up halfway through. We see both separately and manage not to bring up the past of when they were married to other people - it’s just polite.

Same way my parents don’t talk about my ex in front of my husband (I was with my ex for a very long time).

Again.....we don't ONLY talk about the past.
The thing is, it wouldn't have been an issue if she hadn't brought it up. I think it's more the being TOLD what WE can't talk about that anything.

It’s unfair to put that on kids.

More understandable if it was one specific thing eg a particular person who had passed but “don’t talk about the past” is very broad and I think it’s too much to ask children to worry and stress about putting their foot in it.

DD's has a whole bunch of friends of various genders and they name-change informally all the time and the names are hard to remember, (moon unit adjacent, give me patience) but what can you do - they're young.

What's really hard is trying to remember the child's original name when talking to the child's parent. I have panicked in the past while I mentally scroll through a long list of options trying to remember whether they are, male, female or non-binary these days and which name is current.

I try to be kind & use the latest form of words always to the kids themselves as being young is hard. That's what feels right to me.

I would do, in this case, whatever gave the child the easiest day - I think that makes sense.

Having a heads up about a sensitivity before a meeting can be seen in a positive light. Gender issues are challenging for everyone, even those only interacting with them socially.

She already said they don't 'only talk about past' but any group of friends/relations who meet will inevitably bring up past experiences, it's part of what bonds us.

OP it sounds very uncomfortable and awkward, hopefully your friend will be able to confide in you and your teens will be able to chat to her dc. With a bit of luck it's only a phase and her dc will get past it with a bit more maturity.

I don’t know why you would need to be told tbh. Most people wouldn’t mention it.

I wouldn’t talk about the period of my friend’s life when she was in an abusive relationship. I wouldn’t take about shared history when it was a period when my friend was with her ex (in front of the new husband).

There are so many other things to talk about. I find it pretty selfish that people feel entitled to upset other just because they don’t want to be told what they can or can’t say.

Try to put yourself in your friends shoes. It must be awful for her having to deal with this and I expect she's trying to handle it the best way she can. She might be terrified of losing her child completely. Considering what she is going through, this is not a big ask.

She's asked. You can tell her you understand BUT your children also need understanding and respect. While you'll tell them to use the current name, and they'll not want to upset her psychologically vulnerable child, it'll take time for them to change the habit of using the name they've known her child by for their entire friendship. If they slip up her child should be told not to take it personally. It'll be a genuine mistake.

If she cannot guarantee her child will respond respectfully to slip ups and/or will be upset by hearing a different name, then you shouldn't go. It's really not fair on your children as they're being set up to be massively guilt-tripped and probably gaslit if they make a genuine mistake.

Where has OP said they only talk about the past?

Its not the same either as not talking about a bereavement

However for me going along with this nonsense for a child it would signal she’s a very different person to me and I’d definitely let the friendship drift

Just out of interest, do people really use the other person’s name when they are talking to that person? Usually you say ‘you’ or ‘we’. I would find it odd if I was talking to someone and they kept saying my name in front of me even if I hadn’t changed it.

I totally agree with this. To be honest I don’t think I’d go. It’s too hard.

Honestly, I wouldn’t go. See your friend alone, there’s no need to bring kids along to have their conversations policed. It’s all so over-dramatic.

Are your children expected to go along with this farce? Or is your friend trying to gaslight them into believing that their child was a different sex all along? To be honest I would swerve the meet up all together, the fact that your friend is abusing their child like this by letting them think by that changing gender/sex is a real option would be a deal breaker for me. I’m all for being gender stereotype non-conforming, but supporting a child in thinking they can become a boy or girl when they are not is deluded at best and abusive at worst.

It sounds like your friend is enjoying the drama and enjoying trying to tell you and your kids (who are less special in her mind) what they can and can't do.

I would use the child's new name out of politeness, and avoid using pronouns at all. Other than that, just behave normally. It's really not all that different to a young person going through a phase of being a goth or an emo.

I'm curious, is this the same kind of dramatics as referring to a request to avoid a specific topic as "policing conversations", or is that a different kind of dramatics?

The only people making a drama about this are posters on here who view it as some kind of hideous imposition.

By erasing his/her own past to that degree, it also serves to erase the joint past of those it was shared with. I wouldn't be happy with that.

A teen can experiment with identity if they want, of course they can, it's what they do. But to police and erase others is not ok.

If this mother has allowed and encouraged her child to be sucked into the socially contagious views on gender, are you sure you want to see her? She doesn't sound very sensible.

Judging by the Facebook posts of someone I know who has changed gender, the main topic of conversation is gender change. The mother of this child is already doing exactly the same - making a huge deal of events to justify her support of it.

It's a bizarre imposition and a sign that the Mum is probably being controlled by her dc. It's not healthy so nothing 'dramatic' about not wanting to comply.

Friend has indicated that we not reminisce about kids childhood as this will trigger her child.

So, who is present at this reunion? If it's just you, the friend, and her child it seems pretty easy. If you have much younger children who know your friend's child as a sex that differs from the gender they have now (I know that sounds hopelessly regressive and antifeminist, but not everyone has caught up) it's trickier. Maybe suggest you meet your friend just the two of you, and/or they can bring their child but you won't bring yours?

Thanks everyone for the diverse opinions and advice.
I'm not going to police my kids or myself. Our memories haven't changed after all. I will let my kids know the situation before we meet up, but I'm not going to monitor their speech.

#bekind is how this nonsense started. Policing speech, language, compelling people to erase experiences and the past.

Does your friend also practice "child led parenting" and doesn't tell her kids no?

Delusional, crappy bounderyless parenting.