Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

They aren't your friends. Maybe they never really were. It sounds like this was a planned attack. I would give them a wide berth.

Fuck me they are horrible. Well done on removing yourself.
Even if you had not just had surgery and your DH was fine and his train was cancelled and you had to wait for him to come back to leave the kids that would still be fine and their reaction was not justified. You had a childcare issue that could not be pre planned and you still came as soon as you could. You went to the main event and took a present!
very sorry about your DH

They sound awful. I've never made anyone feel bad about turning up late even when they caused considerable inconvenience, which you didn't.

I've also never known any group of mums bat an eyelid about someone being late because they were waiting for DH to show. It doesn't matter how organised you are if the other parent is late and the kids are too young to leave!

I'd tell them to take a running jump. They made you feel terrible and upset and there was just no need.

I have had this happen to me. It was then that I realised that this "friends" group had a leader....the person "made the fun" and generally seemed wonderful until they decided they wanted a victim. Sadly for them I am a vicious old crone and nobody's victim. I am sorry you have been so badly hurt.

Sorry I took so long ruminating over my message that I missed your update!
well done OP

People can be awful, OP. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Everyone has things going on in their lives, but not everyone seems to appreciate this. (I did wonder whether the birthday girl was an only child, as she reminds me very much of someone I know who is and who often displays this type of behaviour).

Distance from each other is the best decision when this happens. Too much time together can often be quantity over quality, as you've sadly found out.

Well done, OP- that was a brave but fair and necessary message. And when they inevitably gaslight or try and play victim stay strong, you are definitely in the right and they should be ashamed. Hopefully they’ll all sincerely apologise but I doubt it.

My friend, the one that stepped in to stand up for me, she kept up the conversation, and squeezed my arm. I realise I have a good friend in her.

She sounds like an amazing friend! Focus on people like that. The ones who joined in especially the birthday girl who was taking her issues with her husband out on you, are ones to steer clear of.

I’ve been on the receiving end of people who can’t stand up to their male partner so take it out on their female friends and they are really the worst sort of women.

@Summerdays24 good riddance I say! they sound awful. glad you are backing off

I can't believe anyone would have the nerve to behave like that!

Good for you, for sending that message. You hold your head up high. What awful people.

Well done OP. They are clearly a pretty toxic group. Sounds like Queen Bee was in a mood and decided to take it out on you. Awful behaviour.

Good for you, OP. It sounds absolutely dreadful and especially with what you are going through. Any decent ones will contact you separately, and the ones that don't you will be better off without. I can't even begin to imagine anyone I'm friends with behaving like that (and worse being backed up). It is fully them and not you.

I agree with everyone else, that's a terrible thing to do to a person in need. I have had friends cancel or be late for far less and my main thought would be to support them, not to be peed off they weren't on time.

This is a good time though to re-evaluate this group, who sound utterly awful, or some of them. I'd reach out to the ones that were the most friendly with you and defended you and that you feel most sure of, and do a couple of low key things with them, like a coffee.

It may be that they are still in that 20/30s mindset of wanting to go out, and wanting to go on holiday as a big group and almost perceive you as 'spoiling it' by having a sick husband and being ill yourself.

So be it, their loss, and when the wheel of life turns, which it does for all of us, you won't need to waste your energy on them, but put it into your family and your good friends.

Well done OP. They should feel thoroughly ashamed of themselves for how they've treated you, but you have behaved with dignity and courage. Best wishes for husband's treatment, and keep ArmSqueezer close; she sounds a great and supportive friend.

You've done the right thing OP, they aren't nice people. What on earth could they have reasonable expected you to do! Sometimes people are just late, it happens.
I hope you have fun at your SIL BBQ xx

Well, if there really isn't a back story here then the response you sent is spot on.

These people will only get more cruel as time goes on.

I can image why you didn't walk out, You must have been shocked by their reaction.

I'm not sure what the issue is here, but you are definitely better off without them.

No one should be a focus of displaced anger to the point they are crying. Yeah, I’d be backing off spending time with this group. The behaviour was cruel and unnecessary. I wish you well in future and hope things improve for you and your husband. 🌷🌻

Well done OP great response and you've definitely got one great friend in the group so something to focus on.

All I can say to you re the ones who had a go at you are fucking bitches and unless there’s an apology from them I’d be ending or downgrading their friendship going forwards.

And I’ve seen the post re maybe they’re downgrading you due to your DH’s illness, I’d be tempted to message them to say if they were going to do this then it shows they’re not friends at all.

I’m angry on your behalf because there seems be little or no understanding here.

Great you have one friend sticking up and good on you backing out of other planned events.

@Summerdays24 your response sounds right. I think you genuinely had to say something to let the group know that behaviour was unacceptable (given you are reliable so no previous form although I would still say even if you were ofteb late their behaviour was sht). What were you supposed to do? Leave your DS? Not happening. If the ‘leader’ of this group has any decency then she will actually reply publicly, or to you, saying “actually I was wrong, I’m sorry, was in a bad mood not that that is an excuse and I took it out on you, I don’t know what came over me, please forgive me” which might give further closure. If she doesn’t, definitely better off without her! I actually had to do this after giving a new PM a hard time years ago, he didn’t work for me directly but something else was making me anxious and I felt micromanaged and I was awful. He was sensible enough to ask for a 1:1 to clear the air and I realised I was at fault and apologised … we became really good colleagues going forward. I was so mortified when he drew my attention to it that I cried because I was ashamed of myself - I’m glad he pulled me up on it. I hope I’m a better person because of him and I’m glad I learned not to be an arse. You sound good and fair and I hope things move on the way you want them to. Sorry you had to go through that in that way what with everything that’s going on with you and family.

Real friends wouldn't act like that
She clearly craves attention and sounds like a right cow good on you for standing up to them, grown women acting like school girl bullies, embarrassing.

So everyone has read the message, I have a reply from one of them to say they understand given the situation re the trip and bbq. Two thumbs up and a heart, birthday friend and two others have completed ignored my message altogether (so far)

I think that says everything I need to know.

I am sorry to those that have been through similar. It’s so shit isn’t it!

Usually I would rant to dh, but I can’t anymore, he is processing too much. When I think of him, I know I need to just let this go and focus on him now 😭

They sound hideous. Cliquey.

Well done on sending that message! 👏

Hope you continue to recover and your DH manages his condition favourably. 💐

So sorry that happened 😞Your reason, not excuse was completely valid and you made it to dinner.

This is just me, having very few friends and discovering how incredibly hard it is to make new ones, I wouldn't completely leave the friendship group but I wouldn't really be friends with the ones who ganged up. I'd stay friends with the others though. Especially the one who stood up for you

Well done sending the message. This definitely sounds like a Queen Bee situation as mentioned upthread. My pity is reserved for the silly woman’s toadies who thoughtlessly back her up until the day one of them is cast out for absolutely nothing other than it being their turn. These sort of people want to control the dynamic and anything positive or negative that happens to people in the group that pulls the limelight off them has to be dealt with, so I agree with others that you’ve been manoeuvred out of the group. This will turn out to be the best things that could have happened!

It sounds like an extension of this is that on one day of the year she is a Special Birthday Princess and the world must defer to this momentous event🙄. It looks like people hadn’t done exactly as she expects and demands on her special day. Her DH probably did nothing wrong, or at least nothing wrong in the eyes of a mature adult. Some people didn’t get her good enough presents - shocking! You not making the drinks is not putting the Special Birthday Princess first either (no excuse is valid on her Special Day). I can’t stand these types, it’s one of the reasons I am of no fixed abode friendship wise and have no “group”.

Honestly, stick with the sensible friend and the other friends you’ve got. If messaging has made you feel lighter then that is telling.

You should have told her and her followers - sorry to ruin your birthday, don't want to cause further damage to the party by having this negative attention on me, so I would leave you all to celebrate and then left.