Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

This is awful. It has mean girls written all over it is an example of why people think women are bitchy when in groups. It sounds so toxic. Wishing you all the best OP, you’re well shot of them by the sounds of it x

Your message is great. The immediate responses show you who your true friends are. In bad times our true friends become clear from those who aren’t. Try to see this situation as the universe showing you who are your true friends who can be trusted and replied upon. X

Birthday friend reminds me of an ex colleague/ex friend of mine who sulked at birthday and Christmas when her presents from DH weren’t what she wanted, a Mulberry messenger bag one year and a diamond tennis bracelet the next year.

No matter that he was London bus driver and they had stepchildren together (hers) as well as one DC together.

I realised then (she was in her late 40s then) that some people are never happy!

Another gem from her, her cousin was cabin crew with BA so got both of them top flights to far flung exotic destinations and good deals on hotels too. One year I came into work not long after New Year as this woman was expecting to go on yet another jolly, but she had a face like thunder, would barely talk about it, but it transpired that the cousin had a new boyfriend she was taking abroad instead of this woman. Couldn’t stop myself having a little smirk when she couldn’t see.

Bless you @Summerdays24 you’ve done nothing wrong (still fuming on your behalf - you didn’t actually have control over any of what happened - it was someone else getting home and he isn’t in control of the railways) and you’ve handled it all with dignity. I hope the rest of them rally round you (some may not have had time to see or give a considered response yet). Your friend who stuck up for you sounds lovely too. Hoping your DH is ok.

I’m so sorry, OP, for all you’re contending with. Illness and disability bring lots of things into sharp relief. My heart hurts if I think too much about how some close “friends” behaved when our family began to sink. It might be a good time to find a counsellor who can support you in your recovery and in the months ahead. Having a place to share honestly, without fear of burdening my husband more, was incredibly helpful to me. And keep that lovely, arm-squeezing friend close :) Very best wishes xx

Love what cocoapuffpuff said.

Yeah sure, lateness can be annoying; but you never say it, unless it's a work issue. Never, ever should your 'friends' make you feel like that, especially considering what you've been through recently, but also just because you're a mum. Yeah some smug little so and so who has 4 kids might get everywhere on time, so bloody what? Life is different for everyone. My friends would never attack me like that, no friends should. Drop them. You're better off without.

As painful as this is, sometimes it's good to be reminded of who you are dealing with 💖

That’s very sad they’ve chosen to treat you this way. The ones who understood and stuck up for you are your friends, the others are not.

Were they a bit drunk when they made the comments?

Great advice.
The what's app, really showed them up.
You don't have a history of being late and even if you did, berating you in front of the whole group until they made you cry... and then carrying on, is disgusting behaviour. Imagine if you'd turned up and done that to them. Or ignored Queen Bee's present and never said thank you.
Try to move on from the unpleasant ones in the group. They clearly surprised the nicer ones. And I think you've handled it very well.

I can’t believe all this fuss about you missing the drinks when you were able to make the dinner. I would have been absolutely fine with this if I were the birthday girl.

This

I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

It sounds to me as if they'd half expected you to flake, and you did. I know you say you don't have form, but with the other stuff going on lately perhaps they feel you've been milking it all a bit for attention or sympathy.

Even without the surgery and DH's recent diagnosis, the simple fact is that his train was cancelled and you couldn't leave the kids until he was home, so all the other stuff is irrelevant really, and not worth mentioning in the context of not turning up for the drinks. So my guess is that they think you are being a bit of a drama llama. It's not for me to say either way whether they might have a point, I have no idea, but if they are not being understanding at a time when life is hard for you then they are not the friends you thought they were.

Well what a surprise birthday girl hasn't aplogised.
I didn't realise you can see who's read the group Whatsapp? Any group I've been in I couldn't?

Drama Llama

'kin hell!

You've read the OP's posts and you think it's a possibility??

Wow

What did they expect to do? Leave the kids home alone?

Oh just bobby off will you.

I’m not surprised you cried, I would have burst into tears and left.

I think it’s possible something happened before you arrived though. No idea what but maybe the birthday girl was already upset about something else, for example a nasty comment from someone else or the lack of happy birthdays or gifts. I don’t know. Is there anyway you can discreetly check with friends that were nice to you if something happened before this?

Your difficult life circumstances aren't even relevant here! Even if you had the world's easiest personal life, you were late for a reason out of your control. There's absolutely no reason for them to be angry with you, never mind so angry they confront you as a group.

I can see why they might be annoyed if you had a habit of flaking and being late to things, but even then you have a grown up and calm discussion about it, you don't jump them as a group and make them cry.

I think she was mentioning who had responded rather than read, I don't think you can tell who's read a post and who hasn't.

agreed

and who on earth still tantrums about their birthday past the age of 10?

She did. Read the thread.

I am feeling quite devastated to lose my friends as well as dealing with this.

As you're finding out OP, the mean ones aren't your friends, they're self-centred bitches. Concentrate on your DH, your supportive friends and your other friend groups. Above all, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to heal fully from your surgery. You're going to need your strength - physically and mentally - to deal with whatever challenges are ahead (spoken from experience). Take care 💐

This has been covered earlier in the thread. From memory (Christ it was only an hour ago!) the birthday woman's husband hadn't come up with the goods or something. Entitled brat!

I've read the OP only. As I say, it's not for me to say whether these 'friends' are being completely unreasonable or not, I am just trying to understand why these women who are usually the OP's friends, would choose to turn on her collectively and over-react to something relatively small and want to make the OP feel bad about it. I am not making a judgement about the OP at all because I don't know her. I am guessing about what the friends' reaction might really be about.