Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

This is good. I would send this in the group. And also add that you did not even get a thank you for the present.

Thank you for such supportive replies. I have read them all, and take comfort that anyone would be sad in this situation, and I’m not being over sensitive.

I was so blindsided at the time, and wanting not to make things even worse and ruin the night. I was also embarrassed and mortified that I cried in front of everyone. I just sat there afterwards quite shocked tbh. My friend, the one that stepped in to stand up for me, she kept up the conversation, and squeezed my arm. I realise I have a good friend in her.

I wish I had walked out now though.

I have asked the friend I am closest to about it, apparently birthday friend was fuming because her dh disappointed her earlier in the day and she was already in a bad mood at the drinks.

Birthday friend sounds like a mardy cow. And if her husband disappointed her in whatever way she should have been making more of an effort with those who bothered to turn up.

You say that on reflection you realise that she often takes the lead. Maybe that's why you haven't seen that side of her before, because she's had everything her own way.

For now, just go quiet and see what happens in the rest of the group. While it might seem now like they're behaving as if nothing happened it may have opened up a crack that will get bigger and you could possibly still end up with a group of four friends - the ones who stood up for you. If you leave the group you're leaving them all.

What on earth? There have been many times my friends cancelled or were late and I've shrugged it off. Life happens, that is the reality of being an adult with a life and responsibilities.

Some people really have main character syndrome where they think their birthday drinks should be the most important thing in other people's lives. YANBU and drop these "friends"

There’s absolutely no excuse for grown adults making someone cry because they were late for drinks.

I agree that I think they’re probably trying to push you out because of your current circumstances (which I’m so sorry about, btw). You had a good idea for a response to these women on page 7 - I’d feel a lot better, personally, having told these women exactly what I thought about their behaviour before I stepped back.

Message the nice friend and let her know you’d like to keep in touch.

I've not read the rest of the thread beyond this point yet but this is a reason I avoid friendship groups as they are called. I just have friends.

Glad you have seen from the responses to this thread that birthday girl (+ supporters) reaction was completely uncalled for.

Don't feel bad about reacting emotionally - you are going through a lot and the people you were expecting to be supportive instead turned on you.

I wouldn't be responding with a group message. But I also wouldn't be jumping to conclusions, at least about the group as a whole, that they are trying to ditch you to avoid going through a difficult time with you.

I would try and process the new information you have about them as individuals and as a group.

Bail on the bbq if you want (though do note this could reinforce bday girl's view of you as being flaky - wouldn't really care about that if I were you - be honest that you have a lot going on and not feeling up to socialising with big group - anyone who cares for and respects you and is worthy of your friendship will understand). Perhaps arrange some smaller meet ups with those who did stand up for you.

They are showing you what they are like - if fun bday drinks is what it's all about then you may want to step away from that for a time. But don't cut them all off if you think there are some genuine friendships there.

OP just to say it is utterly, utterly bizarre to me that they would have a go at you for missing birthday drinks. I'm afraid the best explanation I've seen on here is the pp who said they're jettisoning you because they can't be dealing with your husband's illness.

To be clear, I don't think that sort of thing happens consciously, there's probably no planning about it. It's just that more people than you'd think seem to operate on the notion that bad fortune is contagious, and that people with completely random bad luck in their lives are best avoided.

Sorry this has happened. Best of luck for your recovery and for your husband's treatment.

You can’t just go quiet though, this is where you have to question their awful behaviour. If you go quiet they will just think you are ashamed or something.

Oh for Christ's sake read the full thread.

But then, this exposes people as sheep and not the kind of person you (I) would want to be friends with. They're pathetic with a herd mentality, not individuals.

No. Don't do this. Have them as individual friends. That doesn't mean you can't meet up together of course.

@Summerdays24 I wish I had walked out now though.

I'm glad you didn't. It would backfire and in time the birthday bitch would make out that you had ruined her night by your drama. Also the supportive friend may have become less supportive.

IME there is usually a silent one or two in this type of situation who don't like to voice opinion or stand up to the dominant person but will go home and tell their partner or colleague what a nasty cow their pal was. So I'd give any silent person the benefit of the doubt and assume they are on your side unless you hear otherwise.

And well done to@TwattyMcFuckFace for a wonderful user name that made me laugh!!

Came to say exactly what @Overthebay has said. I absolutely believe your husband’s illness is the reason behind this. You will now fade away from their lives due to their onslaught on you and, in their minds, they can now say you were the cause of the falling out and they can be absolved of any responsibility. What a set of arseholes!

I have sent a WA to say I won’t be coming to the BBQ or signing up for the girls trip, and I was disappointed having made the effort to be there for friend A despite the stress we are under as a family atm, and they have been pretty unkind. I thanked the friends that were supportive.

Muted the chat.
I feel lighter for at least not having to go to the bbq. My sil has been lovely and has invited us there instead. I think I just need to be around good people.

Well done OP. I'm sorry you are putting up with this rubbish when you have so much else going on.

I’m sorry things are tough right now OP.
Your friends weren’t supportive.
I think @mondaytosunday ’s suggestion is good
Best wishes to you

I'm absolutely horrified at the behaviour of these people.

Well done for your message re the BBQ and girls trip.

Well done OP. Hopefully you will have a lovely time at SILs

What were they on! Were they drunk or the mental age of ten?

I wouldn’t engage with or entertain any of it, try to see it as amusing rather than upsetting and laugh it off.

Never wrestle with a pig, you get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it - George Bernard Shaw

They sound awful and I wouldn’t dream of treating any of my friends the way they treated you, especially as you are already going through a tough time. Stupid birthday woman should be grateful you came for the meal, you could hardly leave your 7 year old home alone. If the worst thing she’s got going on in her life is that one friend missed her birthday drinks, she really hasn’t got anything to complain about. I’m glad you sent a WhatsApp message saying how you feel, hopefully they will realise how awful they have been.

Good for you, OP. Focus on the people who bring happiness to your life. Hope you have a great time with your SIL. All the best to you and your family.

ps: and if they don't immediately contact you to apologise profusely then it's further demonstration that you're doing the right thing by giving yourself some space.

💐💐💐 the fact that you feel lighter speaks volumes.

Well done op, personally I’d have stewed over this for far too long if I hadn’t said my piece to them.

Now surround yourself with good people.