Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

Btw, I’m so very sorry that your family is having to go through all of this.

At that point it didn't, which is why I was confused as to why you brought it up as the thread has moved on.

Not saying you're not right to challenge that particular poster though, as most of us have been doing throughout.

That was a horrible experience for you.I admit get irritated when folk cant make it or can only make part of the evening but you had a good reason and it was mean of them to embarrass and upset you like this in front of everyone. In hindsight it probably would have been better not to go at all. Dont do anything drastic like fall out with them all. Just concentrate on the nice ones and ignore the nasty ones. Easier said than done I know.

I would send a message. Saying that you are very upset over the birthday meal

State the reason. State the fact you let them know . State that uou nrought a present and attended the meal. State your ill health. State your dhs and state thar instead of support frik your lovely friends you faced a night of hostility which has made you question your friendship group

Thanks to those who offered words of support. It was greatly appreciated.
Please when you are working out the costs for the holiday count me out

Another poster upthread pointed to this scenario and suggested there was a possibility it may be unconscious. I agree with this. That is why I wouldn’t rock the boat just yet. They will protect their egos because this is pretty shady stuff so while you might understand the ultimate motivation they will just deny it and make you look and possibly even feel like the bad guy.

Instead step back and see what you do want from the group. The people you like organise to meet up with, the others just leave it to die out. Groups do not respond well to confrontation with the group. Any whistler blower ever will tell you that the group gets protected over the individual.

I'd be straight into the group WA:

"Hi all,

I've spent the past ** days reflecting on what happened at A's bday and I need to talk about it. I can't pretend it didn't happen.

DH was late. It happens and were the situation reversed I would never have reacted as A did. I cannot leave a 7 year old child alone. I have never been late or flaked on an event before, and I didn't flake on this one - I was late because DH was late. It happens.

I am going through one of the worst periods in my life right now. I have just had major surgery and attended the bday despite feeling unwell. I am facing a life without my DH. I still showed up.

I understand DH's diagnosis may make some of you uncomfortable - trust me, I get it, I'm living with it. But I would prefer you just not invite me to things rather than make me feel even more shit about my life than I already do, by berating me for tardiness.

I'm going to leave this group for now, you know where I am if you want me, and if any of you are ever going through something like this, I am absolutely here for you. Because it is fucking awful. But right now I need people around me who can support me, not pile on and reduce me to tears for missing a few fucking birthday drinks.

I won't be attending the BBQ next weekend, I just don't feel safe or supported by you all right now.

If you think this is dramatic, that's great - it means your life is a lot happier than mine right now.

Thanks,

SummerDays"

Then leave.

Nanny0gg

"At that point, where did it say the ages of other children?"

The OP says her youngest has just turned 7

I’d feel the same. I’d dump them ones that attacked you, as sound like a seriously unsympathetic and selfish bunch. Maybe make a WhatsApp group for the ones that stood up for you and see how that friendship group goes, though?

Never mind OP. I once arranged to meet a friend before her birthday meal but she didn’t turn up. When I finally got hold of her on the phone she told me she was now waiting for another (presumably more important) friend in another location and had just forgotten to tell me. She suggested I make my way to the restaurant and wait for them there.

She was most put out when I decided not to do this and went home. Next time we met she made a point of telling me how disappointed she was that I didn’t just trot off to this restaurant and stand outside like a lemon waiting for to finally turn up.

Some people are just self absorbed I guess. Or entitled. Or both.

I know. After I posted

I don’t think it would compromise your friend if you asked her that. You aren’t asking her to intervene- although if she offers I don’t see a problem with taking her up on it- but for advice. She might think that if you left it a few days they’ll calm down.

Don’t be too swayed by the keyboard warriors telling you to cut them all off and never speak to them again. It’s very easy to say that from behind a screen, and it’s not easy to make new friends in adulthood. Find out what’s going on before you make a decision or react in a way you can’t back away from.

Adults who make this much of a fuss over birthdays are ridiculous. You still made it to dinner with everything you have going on! With friends like those @Summerdays24 who needs enemies!

The thing is, friends are people you have a nice time with and, when you leave them, you feel good about yourself and whatever you did with them. This hasn't been something that the OP enjoyed or feels good about.

It is all right to feel taken aback at their reaction. This sort of pack behaviour usually stops in school - partly because whoever receives it avoids those doing it.

It is extremely important that you do not try to placate them. From the sounds of it, the birthday girl was already annoyed and was going to kick off at something, regardless of what it was. It was just that it was you on the receiving end.

I would be tempted to send a message to say that you were surprised and hurt at their reaction last week. This doesn't seem to be a healthy friendship for you now. As they know, your husband had some bad news recently. Therefore you are going to take some time away to concentrate on supporting him. (Or something like that).

Then just leave the group. Seriously, staying in the group and carrying on with meeting them will mean you'll be on tenterhooks waiting for the next kicking. Do you have the energy for that?

Even if the OP were genuinely flaky (and it’s clear she had a valid reason) why is it honestly so desperately important she not miss the pre dinner drinks?

I really can’t imagine getting that upset over something that trivial. And ganging up to call you out with the other mum saying she has four kids? What is that all about?

Shit happens, things sometimes don’t go to plan. No one died.

It sounds as if this woman is a classic Queen Bee and it all has to be about her and her needs.

As PPs have said, I would step back from the ones who had a go at you. They sound vindictive and spiteful.

@DecafCanEffOff has it expressed perfectly. Just send that.

Yes, it's really good. Except I might not be there for people who act this way.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. You have done NOTHING wrong. Your 'friends' are a spoiled, selfish bunch of superficial arseholes who clearly don't have what it takes to be a proper friend to you at this difficult time in your life. As everybody else has said, time to step back. There are much nicer people out there than them.

I have some idea of what you might be going through as my DH has just been diagnosed with incurable cancer and is about to start chemo next week. I don't know if your DH's situation is cancer also, but whatever it is I am terribly sorry and I know how devastating and tough it is to accept that this is the hand the universe has dealt you both, and your children. Use the time you might have spent with those false friends to spend even more time with your DH and those who truly love and appreciate you. Make as many happy memories with him as you can and resign those horrible women to history. By behaving as they have they have resigned themselves to the 'don't matter anymore' box. They aren't worth it. Better friends will come along with time.

Horrible behaviour op. Hope u ok. Yes limit your time with them going forward. You dont need friends like those.

Yes, this. I would never see the ones who had a go at you ever again. That’s it. They know that you and your DH are having a tough time and they kick off over missing pre-dinner drinks? Unbelievably nasty.

I would have nothing to do with the ones that were laying into you. How horrible. The ones that stood up for you are worth keeping though.

Friend A was completely put of order. However i might be tempted to overlook as a one off I suspect bad mood and the pre dinner drinks caused her to act this way.

I would not leave the group if only one other took friend A's side I would just think less of Friend A and the other one. In time they will prove it is was a bad day or that is their true character.

No she said it at 9.45 and you didn't post until a couple of hours later.

I think the thread might be glitching out?

@DecafCanEffOff wrote a good response but I wouldn’t leave the group. I’d see if you can get acknowledgement/apology as it sounds like you deserve one. If you can scrape together some breeziness for bbq I’d try for that too.

I'd have walked there and then. Keep in touch with the ones who stuck up for you but as for the rest? You don't need those kind of fake friends in your life, you've enough going on.

Honestly I don’t know if addressing the whole group is the right way forward - I’d probably contact A and ask if you can catch up to clear the air, as you’re still very confused about what exactly you did wrong. If she refuses, or acts badly, then I would message the group and say something like, “Despite my attempts to reconcile with A, it’s clear that she is so distraught by my lack of appearance at drinks that she is unable to overlook the extenuating circumstances and therefore it is time for me to remove myself from the situation. That way she can have the group for support for the trauma that she experienced that evening, and I can take care of myself and my own problems without worrying her.” Hopefully they’d recognise the tone and appreciate how completely ridiculous she is to be acting like something bad actually happened to her that night.