Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

I think with some of the responses I'd guess they are on here.

Ditch them all (maybe keep in touch with the one who checked in). With 'friends' like these, who needs enemies.

I had to ditch some friends a few years back in similar circumstances. Never looked back.

@Summerdays24

I have read all your responses (and unless you are being optimistic about your timekeeping), them distancing due to illness is the most likely scenario.

When my brother had cancer, one of my very close friends dropped me. It didn't matter how much everyone else was supportive it floored me, some people haven't got the emotional bandwidth to manage someone else's pain and some just don't want you to bring a cloud into their lives.

They sound awful!

Ditch them op. They aren't friends. Can't believe the birthday friend got her nickers in a twist over you not making the drinks. Inmature drama queen. I hate this mentally. You made an effort with dinner and with everything going on with your DH you could of cancelled the night out all together. You don't need them. You need people in your life that have your back, make you happy and supportive.

Strictly mad sorry to hear you’ve had a very difficult time with your sons illness and friends. Isn’t it unfortunate that you probably quite rightly had to qualify’before I get bashed for this’ one should feel absolutely justified to expect at least an sms from friends even if people all react differently/find these things difficult. OP rest assured the way this friend has treated you will be exactly how she treats her other friends in the future. What looks like loyalty (her group) is often a fear of being ousted/rejected. It’s a kick in the teeth like you said but wow it says tons about you (prioritising your children, polite, kind, sensitive) and says even more abt her. Snuggle down and be grateful you’re not spending more years investing in sinking sand. It’s shocking and echos school girl behaviour and boggles the mind and hurts like hell but sing a happy tune. Seriously.

God I felt stressed and upset just reading your op. Thats awful. Really awful. Sounds like they worked themselves up into a drunken frenzy of righteous indignation then you walked right into that.

It’s never nice when people you think are friends (close or best) really aren’t and don’t listen to your side of the story and then attack (I had this from an ex best friend). It’s just not nice when people you think were nice don’t think of you when you’re ill/bereaved/divorced etc input other scenarios if necessary.

Your DH is right forget them.

Hopefully the one friend who stuck up for you will have a go at them when she sees them next.

I do think some people their heads are so far up their own arses they can’t see others pain. The woman I posted about earlier yes she could be sympathetic if you’d had bad things happen as she’d had a lot herself but it did come across as a bit insincere.

I do think some friends just don’t or can’t or won’t help if people have real worries/dramas in their lives.

I am not saying they’re right but some people don’t handle bad news and are able to give support well (they may do it from a distance). Maybe it’s because they’ve had to deal with similar themselves and find it painful to watch a friend going through similar, maybe as a child with a parent.

In OP’s case it’s more cruelty and backstabbing bitchiness done by more than one person. And justified to themselves wrongly that they’re right.

Hugs to you OP 💐. I hope you are feeling better and your DH is okay. Unfortunately, in situations like this regardless of whether they knew about your news or otherwise they have shown their true colours. I am not surprised you are upset but I would give them a wide berth for now and see if they realise and apologise. Good luck OP.

WWYD?

I'd have grabbed my gift back off the birthday hag, and walked out.

I'd keep in touch with those who had your back, and never speak to those nasty bitches again.

You did not deserve to be attacked and humiliated like that. You did nothing wrong. They are not good people.

All the best x

They’re twats.

I’ve been on plenty of threads when people have basically been dumped because of illness they or their family member has had or bereavement.

DH was unwell a few years ago and we lost people. The worst are the ‘let me know what I can do to help’ (especially publicly) and then disappear. It’s like they think it’s catching.

Fair weather friends. It’s classic narc behaviour to act like you’ve done something dreadful, when in fact, you didn’t do anything. Life happens, people are late. They are framing you as the bad person now and you can’t get away from that. I’d step away.

Shame on them. What disgusting behaviour. I'm so sorry, OP. It sounds really hurtful. I don't think, though, that you'll ever be able to unknow what they are really like.

OP you've clarified your never late. So what have you now got to lose by putting a msg on WA because by sounds of it you can't move on with the nasty lot until its been aired. I'd stick a message reiterating why you were late, fact your never late usually, reasons why and mention that you've alot going on as in your OP you did and literally let rip in a nice controlled way. Tell them you thought they'd be more understanding as friends and that rhe sheer amount of bitchness was out of order. Sit back and watch which one apologies- keep. Rest ditch.

I can't get this out of my mind this evening. I'm genuinely very upset for you OP. Ganging up on someone in a vulnerable position and belittling you reminds me of school bullies. They keep at you until they make you cry, but in this case they kept on. All because of your good nature. You stayed because you didn't want to make a scene and ruin her evening. You must be a lovely person. You could have poured her dinner over her head and then posted the video on YouTube. 😉

I've just seen the WA updated post. We'll done OP. And honestly send them the link to this thread they can read what bitches they all are..as for birthday girl she sounds like a self centered cow your better off without.

Agree John. It’s the group against one that makes it so upsetting. Made way worse by what is going on in ops life anyway - a time friends should be rallying round not ganging up!. What on earth is wrong with them? Kind of hope they are reading this. If so explain yourselves please because the majority of decent women here think you have behaved appallingly.

Advise listening to the ABCDE song by Gayle - very loudly.

I once had a similar situation where half a group turned one over a really simple misunderstanding (I misheard in a nightclub where we were meeting up later as my hearing isn't great). Despite me being upset, they just carried on lambasting me. A couple of them did stick up for me and i won't forget their kindness. We were only 18 though. Your so called friend was acting much younger than that! My friends and I are often late for drinks because childcare falls through or husbands are late home. It happens. We still appreciate it when anyone is able to make it. I also have friends who, on the night, just don't feel like going out due to feeling tired/under the weather. None of this is a problem. I have never understood people's lack of tolerance over such things. Just imagine having such little self worth that, in order to feel good about yourself, you need others to prove their commitment to you by jumping through hoops. Imagine getting so riled by something so inconsequential. Quite frankly, it's pathetic!
Regardless of anything else going on in your life, it's not normal to get mad at someone being late due to childcare, nor least for any reason. It's certainly not normal to have a go at someone in a group situation. They're probably also annoyed at you crying as that puts them in a bad light. They sound a bit dim and ignorant if you ask me! It's definitely not you.
Good luck with everything else going on in your life. Sending you lots of good wishes.

Horrible, i would send one last message calling them out on their behaviour then leave the group. 'It seems like you have all come up with a stupid reason to ditch me when i am having a hard time so you dont have to be bothered by me or my issues." They might not fully realise why they did it and hopefully it makes them think about what shitty people they are

I'm really sorry you find yourself in this hurtful situation OP. What a shock!

I could be wrong of course, but I don’t think they were trying to dump you because of what you are going through at home. Surely nobody could be that calculating and evil.

I think what happened was more likely to have been this:
The hostess’s husband upset the hostess with some cutting remark that really stung and she took massive offence and had a right old moan or even cry about it to her two followers …the two who appear to be seeking her approval. They consoled her and made her feel she had every right to be offended by her uncaring horrid husband. How dare he say that to her on her birthday. She felt a lot stronger with their ego stroking so that when you said you would miss the drinks, she transferred her displeasure to you. She maybe told each guest in turn how upset she was with you not to be able to have got your act together enough for her birthday. And she whipped up the anti to such an extent that she felt completely justified in giving it to you with both barrels on your arrival. The two followers, with not an ounce of intelligence between them, backed her up.
Others may have kept quiet out of discomfort and confusion and others were actually brave enough to go against horrid hostess and they supported you a bit.

Your message on WhatsApp was good. It enabled you to clearly see the two poor limpets who stuck to the hostess.
So if I were you, and indeed if I were brave enough, I would start a new group chat without horrid hostess and limpets and then, without ever mentioning the awful evening ever again, I would use the new group chat to invite the nicer ones to something you organise, even if it’s just a walk, followed by coffee and cake morning at yours. No need to throw the nice ones out …. they may well become really good supportive friends to you in the days to come if you give them a chance. I really hope so.
Wishing a speedy recovery to you and your DH.

I think a PP mentioned a very nice but direct way to tell the group that you are stepping back. Right now, the focus should be on you, your DH and your children. If anyone in your friend group wishes to stay in touch they will.

Or feel free to add to your message, "At this time, I cannot concentrate on a group, but if individuals wish to stay in touch, that would be kind and appreciated".

I’m glad you and your DH got some support from this thread, OP.

I hope you can increase your friendship circle outside of this group.

I see you already handled it. I cannot believe how nasty some of your "friends" have been. Luckily, it does seem like a few of them are keepers. The "queen bee" and her hive of drones can pound sand.

I hope you continue to recover from your surgery and your DH gets through his illness. You deserve friends as nice as you. Don't settle for less.

Hello, OP’s former friend!