Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

Grown women can be so nasty op. Feel for you their behaviour was horrible.

They sound horrible!!! Ditch those who made you feel bad. They’re not great friends! Better to have a few lovely friends than lots of half arsed or mean ones.
They sound childish aswell. It’s an adults birthday presumably they aren’t 4!!!!

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if some of them are on here reading this thread 🙄

I think you dealt with this very well @Summerdays24

It’s hard when friendship groups fracture but these women are not nice.

The fact the friend celebrating her birthday felt justified in saying she was disappointed in a lack of gifts tells you all you need to know.

I hope you and your husband get through these tricky times and that he’s able to manage his condition.

They didn't think so, clearly. Good friends do not do this to each other.

Real friends would be cheering when you walked in because you actually made it at all.

This ^^
Sorry but I'd have left after about the third comment. I can't have a bunch of crowing witches harping on about drinks that I missed when I'm already feeling vulnerable.

I would no longer be comfortable around them either, knowing they can just kick off and embarass me when ever they feel like it.

As for the friends 'trying' to stick up for you ....I feel like they should have been a lot clearer to the clan of bitches: 'Leave her alone, she's explained - enough'.

And then turn to you :

'Wanna catch up with the drinks you missed? What would you like to start off with?'.

If I was your friend and saw you were crying, I would have been quite upset that you'd made the effort and are now being bullied - to be honest I'd have happily suggested to you that we go somewhere else for dinner and leave them to it.

Wow..I found myself getting irritated just thinking about how rude and thoughtless they were to you. I do hope you're okay x

@Summerdays24 I have had similar happen to me. I don't know why people behave like this, but sometimes they do. Sometimes groups just like for someone to gossip about it blame things on. You have not done anything wrong.

What they think of you is irrelevant. They can think or do what they like
As sad as it is, it's best to drop the ones not bothering. You will meet new people- I promise 😘

It just seems like such a bizarre overreaction. I can't believe that over the course of 13 years none of you have ever been slightly late to something before!

Surely the whole point of meeting to have a drink BEFORE a meal/show/whatever is for when not all of a group can arrive at the same time, so you make sure everyone will be able to get there for the main events and anyone who can get there earlier meets up beforehand for a drink. Otherwise you'd just have drinks with the meal?

I would maybe understand if you were always late and this was the last straw, but you've explained that's not the case, and even if it were, I wouldn't think this, with everything you had going on, was the right time to pick you up on it. The only way I could even vaguely justify it would be if it was only you or one other friend meeting up so they were hanging round alone, but there were 7 people there! tbh you'd barely notice one person being a bit late!

Even if I could understand actual birthday friend being annoyed (which I can't), it's ridiculous that several others chimed in! How on earth did it affect them?

Tbh given that and bday friend moaning some people didn't give her gifts, I think you're well out of it. It's good that several of them stuck up for you and one in particular is being really nice, maybe when you're feeling a bit better just invite them for a coffee or something. Make clear you're not expecting them to choose sides, but you don't want to be around people who think it's fine to have a go at you for a complete non-issue, so you won't be spending time with the group anymore. Hopefully it will have shown them a different side of the others too.

It's always a good idea to read OP's posts before adding your two cents...

OP, well done and good luck. It's difficult. But you've behaved with dignity.

I am so sorry you invested so much in these friendships and have experienced something so horrible in return 😔.

You mentioned that some of the group didn't bring a birthday gift. Perhaps the birthday girl was angry and embarrassed about this but took it out on you because you were late. She put your gift aside and didn't even thank you. Nasty behaviour from a "friend".

Good for you for messaging that you were upset and not just letting her and the mean girls around her off the hook. You still made the effort to turn up, she should realise the world doesn’t revolve around her.

find adults who need a huge fuss made of them on their birthday quite tiring and given what your friend said about her being disappointed by her husband (presumably not making enough of a fuss) I wouldn’t even take it too personally. Step away or at least keep her and the ones who ganged up on you at arm’s length.

They sound like mean dicks frankly. Who makes drama about someone not making it to drinks? Ditch them

I’d actually leave the WA group and keep your individual chats with the nice ones. You’ll be tempted to dip into it even if it’s muted and just get upset again. Message the nice ones separately before you leave the WA group to say you have no issue with them and would love to stay in touch but you’re still just really upset by the behaviour of the others and this group dynamic is not what you need right now.

I have asked the friend I am closest to about it, apparently birthday friend was fuming because her dh disappointed her earlier in the day and she was already in a bad mood at the drinks. I don’t feel I can compromise my friend further by asking her what I should do re: the group, but she did say she herself saw them in a new light.

Well that's nothing compared to what you and your family are going through. She should be grateful that her husband is healthy and will have a normal lifespan.

They are selfish and uncaring. Frankly she should be grateful you managed to come to the dinner and get her a present. It's a lot to ask someone post op.

Stick with the ones who aren't arseholes and let the others go.

Sorry that you had to go through that, it doesn’t sound like a nice experience at all! 🌺 It sounds to me like these people are not your real friends and it is clear from your post that some of them don’t have any respect for you. If you were a loud, strong character do you think they would have embarrassed you like that in public over a few missed drinks? They knew they could get away with talking to you like that. Unfortunately nice (and often quiet) people can be treated badly. I would rethink the friendship and put your energy into finding nice people to be friends with.

Birthday "friend" was having a spoiled brat moment and took it out on you.
And/or
Further upthread a pp said they were preparing to oust you hlahead of yr DH's illness, that's awful and I wouldn't have believed it but it's made me realise this happened to me, ditched when dh got made redundant when we had v small dc and I was pg, we thought we were gonna lost the house etc, friend ran a mile.

As someone who has been there, losing a friendship group for spurious reasons, I just want to let you know there is life after. With the benefit of hindsight, groups like that can be quite toxic. I hadn't realised how much effort I was putting in to keep people happy. The friends I have now don't feel like hard work. They understand I have difficulties in my life and can't always put the effort in, but they keep inviting me anyway and checking on me. That's how friends should be. Not demanding a required amount of effort.

It hurts like hell when you go through it, but here's to healthier friendships in your future.

If this were Motherland, Birthday Girl would be Amanda and the rest of them, Annes.

Sorry @Summerdays24 they sound awful and you deserve so much better

My social circle is now non existent after my Dad died of cancer and I was managing his care. It was a very upsetting wake up call as to who cared and who didn't....

Just surround yourself by good people. Life is far too short for shallow and superificial people

This thread shows that some women never actually grow up and leave school, it's really pathetic. OP take care of yourself, have a glass of wine and a hot bath and try to forget the nasty fuckers....

Gosh I'd have turned on my heels taking the present with me.
The absolute biatches. They aren't friends.

You've behaved with such dignity, I hope that you're taking the time to be proud of yourself. It never ceases to surprise me how shitty so-called friends can be but some people just don't have the time for other people's "problems". They're the sort who will say on Facebook or similar "If there's anything I can do let me know ..." or "I'm here if you need someone" and then when you need them? Nada.

I'm currently very ill. I'm hoping to get decent news from a consultant next week but have no idea what the news will be given that other stuff has happened since the first horrid diagnosis. I've seen who my friends are. Mostly they're the people I would have expected - which is a huge phew - a handful who have stepped up when I wouldn't have expected it, and a lot who thankfully aren't as shitty as birthday girl and her worthless friends, who are just not there. My way of dealing with it? I made the decision to focus on the people who are there for me and ignore the ones who aren't.

I'm sure that you have people who are definitely there for you, like your lovely sister-in-law (I think?) Focus on them because they're worth focusing on. The others? They're just some people you know who aren't as nice or decent as you thought they were. That's as much thought as they're worth. I hope that things are as good as they possibly can be for you and your lovely husband. I'm so sorry that you have all of this to cope with. It's horrible, unfair and just utterly shit. Take care and remember to only focus on those who bring something positive into your life and continue to be the person who does just the same. x

To reduce a guest to tears makes her a woeful host.

And the focus on you missing her drinks seems like a gross over reaction- which makes no sense to me.

I'd find her behaviour hard to come back from- and like many others, would steer clear of her and the others who took part.