Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

It sounds like it's been a fun superficial social group.

IME these often eventually fracture as some personalities make alliances within the group and start to exclude or alienate some members.

That's a painful process, particualy if you are the one being targeted, but it can have a positive effect in the long run as you establsih who are actually your frineds from the group.

You end up with a smaller group of actual frinds instead of a wide group of social acquaintances.
Your social diary looks less packed but you feel happier.

IME this is often the trajectory of social groups of mothers formed when children are small or start school. Everyone is keen to be in the group and it wotks well for a few years with lots of social events, but over time it starts to fracture and you realise who your actaul friendships are.

Well they sound completely selfish. I’m annoyed for you. You are having the toughest time where is their empathy? From experience “friends” show their true colours in tough times. You learn who is a real friend and who is not hence the divide on your table. I would step back gracefully and learn from it.

Well done. You deserve better friends than those.

Take comfort Op that you've found out something important, most of these people are not real friends, they are just people who want someone to go out with them. The birthday girl is a spoilt brat, her DH didn't get her the gift she wanted so she lashed out like a small child, probably the rest of the group were happy someone else was taking the flak instead of them. You have far more important things to worry about than them and they wouldn't be much help to you anyway. You've withdrawn with dignity, maybe in time they'll see how badly they've behaved to you

Bitches. I hope you're okay OP

They don't sound like friends nor do they sound like adults. I simply can't imagine anyone I know behaving like this. In similar circumstances the latecomer at one event I attended was welcomed with a hug from everyone and a warm invitation to sit down.

What utterly vile people some of that group are.
That is a shocking story.
Of course you were upset.
You have handled the situation with grace and self respect. I wouldn't have anything further to do with them. The are poison.
Focus on those that are decent kind people. Wishing you and your husband the best.

I know these friends should be the least of my worries, and are not worth the time or effort, but it’s a kick in the teeth. I did think they were better than this. It’s really shown me who they are (not nice people) I feel really let down, and wondering what signs I missed earlier that they were like this. I feel like they are definitely discussing this maybe on another group chat. But no one else has bothered to reply to me.

I am so glad to read so much support on here, thank you for all of your posts, dh is reading them too, and said summerdays there are nicer people out there. And he is right. Thanks all.

There are nicer people and you sound like a lovely person and honestly I think you deserve better friends !

what horrible pack mentality they have shown op.
that WA you sent was very good.
best of luck

I need to understand the context. If you were honest with yourself have you always been cancelling or late for things that are really important to your friends? I cannot imagine this type of hostility just came out of no where for friends they you said are really good friends.

sadly I think people can be very selfish, they want friends for good times but don’t want to have to support a friend in need- which is what real friends do. I’m so sorry to hear about your husband, we have recently come through a very stressful time with our son who battled a life threatening condition tht has many after effects. Sad to say our family and friends have really shown their true colours, those who have been there for us emotionally and practically, and those who haven’t so much as bothered to send a text (not that they are obligated before I get bashed). I like to think I’m there when my friends need me, and appreciate help when I’m having a rough patch. I’d leave the group but keep in contact with those that stuck up for you. Big hugs

I have been in a situation like this before, though not quite as bad. They sound like a bunch of bullies. I would make excuses not to meet up with the nasty ones any more, and only see the ones who stuck up for you, even if it means seeing them on a one to one, which might be less stressful anyway!

If you had read the OP 's posts you would have seen that she answered this many pages ago.

Ffs why do people keep asking if OP is often late, whether she let them know she was going to be late etc? She's already clearly stated she isn't, she did let them know in advance and this was extenuating circumstances AND It's what the see all OP posts button is for!!!!

I am so sorry you have also gone through this at the most difficult time with your darling son, I hope he is recovering now. It’s the hardest time to discover who your friends are or are not. I am so glad some pulled through for you. 💐💐

OP, you have behaved with great dignity throughout! Wishing you and your DH all the best. Friends who behave like that lot did aren’t worth shit on your shoe.

Then read the whole goddamned thread.

Did your friend actually receive and read the text you sent her explaining why you were going to be a bit late? The only possible reason I can think of for why people were so angry is if they didn’t get the text and they’d been waiting for you

I suggest you read the thread.

You're too good for them. There was probably something festering under the surface already. Their insane behaviour indicates you could never reason with them. It will be someone else's turn next. Probably someone who didn't turn on you.

To be angry that someone missed drinks through no fault of her own is the behaviour of a truly vile and nasty individual. The lack of empathy is extraordinary considering your circumstances.

Is it possible they are petty enough to think you were looking for attention? There was a recent thread about a woman who was belittled because her stepfather died close to a "friend's" wedding. It was taking attention away from the main event, apparently.

@Summerdays24 honestly they are not worth your brain space
these type of people are never happy, they create their own unhappiness.
ditch them and be grateful that that you found out their true colours and can move on and make some real friends.

difficult times in our lives seperate the wheat from the chaff. you will find out who your true friends are and can stop wasting time on the rest

Some things and some events show peoples true colours

I went to a good friends birthday party recently - when I walked in her daughter gave me the most dirtiest look you've ever seen. Knocked me sideways. Friend was already drunk and was simply off with me. Stayed long enough for it not to be rude and was fully expecting friend to message in the morning to say thank you for coming and thank you for the present. She did neither. Proceeded to ignore my own birthday the following week!

Barely spoken to her since. Really havent got the time for whatever drama was / is going on but frankly I'm not 12 so past caring. It's a shame but it is what it is.

Your dh sounds like a keeper.

Can’t believe some of the other friends only gave a thumbs up to your message. Cowards.

They’ve done you a favour. You know who cares about you and who cares about themselves. Birthday girl sounds like a little Madame. I’ve ditched loads of friends when they’ve finally shown their true colours. Put your energy elsewhere. You didn’t deserve that. Sorry to hear about your husband. All the best.x

I wouldn’t have stayed for dins. I’d have taken my pressie back and calmly left.