Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

Oh and other women that went along with it are likely scared of queen bee turning on them. You are a million times better off out of that.

If they treat their friends like this - how do they treat enemies?

So sorry you had to put up with this OP - I'm glad you had the strength to shake yourself free and that you do understand this is in no way your fault.

Trains are late every day. Being late because of one is pretty standard.

Why would getting to a birthday party on time ever be more important than keeping your children safe? Even if your friends were at the palace and the birthday girl was Queen Camilla, lateness was reasonable!

I guess that (while you have been occupied) your situation has been the subject of group conversation recently. The Queen Bee feels that she needs full attention back on her. Steering clear of her is the safest thing for you.

it sounds like they were talking about you before you got there hence the pile on

are you often late?

they were still out of order

What would I have done?

Turned and left on the spot. After taking the gift back.

What an absolute B*tch with a capital B.

You're well rid of that one.

And I think others are right, she and a few others are planning to dump you because of your husband's illness. Awful, awful behaviour. Hence why those individuals haven't responded to your message or apologised.

I'm so sorry.

So weird of your friends to be cross about a cancelled train - there's literally not a time when I meet my friends (including bdays!) that someone isn't late because of babysitter probs/transport/bedtime chaos etc etc - its just life right? Is there something else at play do you think?

Based on this it’s beyond bizarre. What did they expect you to do? Is this a common thing you do?

I really feel for you. These people aren’t worth your friendship.

You've done the right thing sending that message. What a bunch of bitches.

Honestly when this has all blown over a small part of you will be relieved. You don't need to be upset at losing friends, because they weren't your friends they were arseholes and you and your family deserve SO much better. They've show you who they are and your life will be so much better without them in it. Prayers/good vibes/ whatever you believe in for your husband and lovely family, they are the most important people (and you of course!) ❤️❤️❤️

I would have said "fuck you & your dinner" and left - but I can be a bit hot headed with dickheads.

There is no need any friend would speak to you like this especially in a group situation like that. I don't think they are good friends - sorry OP

Honestly you are better off away from them. The passive aggressive thumbs up - really. How old are they?
Well done for standing up for yourself. People like this aren't worth your upset.
Wishing you and your husband all the very best x

Urgh how shit. Good on you for backing off now that they have shown their true colours. Rubbish friends are worse than no friends at all!

And we don't know HOW old the kids are anyway so stop projecting

@Nanny0gg there’s something really tedious about posters who repeatedly quote tweet their pearls of wisdom without bothering to actually read the thread. It’s so arrogant.

OP, with all my respect I think they instead of enjoyed the drinks and the dinner, make a drama of nothing with you on the centre. Imagine you can't make it on time because you got a flat tire. The outcome is the same. You don't go to the drinks.
I also think that because you are overwhelmed by your own recovery and your husband condition, you just broke down. Very unfortunate, because your break down gave them fuel for the fire.
I would have a long bath, chill out for a bit and tell them to f@#*& off if I were you.

I hate people being late, I really do, but I don't have a go at them and lecture them I just stop seeing them if they are constantly being late.

What your friend should have said when you arrived for dinner was 'I'm so glad you made it. With everything going on, I really would have understood if you skipped it. How are you?'.

Having been on the receiving end of similar public humiliation from a so called friend, I just wanted to say I’m sorry and give you a big hug.

I also thought ‘I should have said/done…’ in retrospect but when you are in complete disbelief that the situation is what it is and don’t want to be the one causing drama, it’s much easier not to walk out. You have articulated yourself perfectly in your final message.

In the long run, you will be so grateful you dropped these friends, they clearly lack any ability to consider anyone else

Wishing you and your family all the best

OP, well done in sending that message.

TL;DR I lost a group of friends some 15 years ago in similar circumstances and got over the hurt pretty fast once I had distance to realize how awful some of them really were.

Longer form:
About 15 years ago, I lost a friend group over something not too dissimilar. I was in my late 30s (almost 40). I'd been close with them for about 7 years. We had so much fun together. There was one queen bee who had form for wanting to control others outside normal boundaries, but I let that slide as generally we all had so much in common. Queen bee and I and a 3rd woman had a shared competition together. I'd just moved into a new home and our electricity went out due to some other repair mistakes that broke the system; we ended up living like we were camping for about 1 week. As a result, day of the competition, I was about 30 minutes late to our meetup as our alarms didn't go off (electricity powered down in the middle of the night unbeknownst to us). The early meetup was her demand, not mine, but I was still at least 30 minutes ahead of the race time, so I didn't ruin the event, I just 'stressed out the Queen Bee' cause she likes her pre-race prep to be very specific.

DH and Queen's DH were very good friends. Race started, all went well, but then after the event, Queen Bee snubbed me and family and said she had plans w/ Friend 2 and her family. "Friend" 2 couldn't look at me and just quietly followed Queen Bee. Queen's DH seemed VERY uncomfortable. I shrugged it off, but my DH was furious. He kept saying how she was purposely trying to edge me out.

At a later get-together, she had her flying monkeys in our group ambush me me while she sat enthroned in some middle chair (frankly fucking bizarre once I realized how she'd set up the room arrangements) They went round on how I'd ruined her life due to this race and I was supposed to undergo some kind of atonement to 'prove my worth'. We are sporting amateurs, there's no prize $, it's just for fun, or so I thought (frankly, I'm the better athlete, so I pull more weight than she does on our team, but again, I don't care, it's just for fun). I wasn't going to be bullied into prostrating myself over something so trivial and told her so. I think this shocked her. A few in the group who weren't involved in the ambush seemed shellshocked. My refusal shut this down and we went back to 'normal' for a few weeks.

Eventually, I realized some in the group were her lackeys and the non-ambush members started to realize how toxic the friendships were, so fractures were beginning to show. A few months later, I got pregnant and decided the possible stress on my baby wasn't worth dealing with this group. The Queen bee was highly neurotic anyways and some in the group were too happy to be her underlings, so we normal women just left on their own.

About a year later, Queen bee cheated on her DH (my DH's friend) and hightailed it Australia to be w/ new man. So, I happily don't have to run into her anymore. Looking back, what a waste of my time...I could have been developing healthier friendships rather than dealing with women who never seemed to mature out of their 12-year-old psyche. Too bad Lord of the Flies was already written, I could have been a famous writer based off that experience.

With friends like these...

They should have said what @Wonderfulstuff wrote above and not taken their mood on you @Summerdays24 I really hope your recovery from your op is going well, try and take things easy at operations take a lot out of you for much longer than you realise. I also hope your dhs treatment goes well💐

@Delphinium20 Absolutely nuts. Queen bees often thrive on the insecurities of others. They may target those who are unsure of themselves, creating a situation where others feel they need the queen bee's approval to feel good about themselves, they feel important and validated in this way, when underneath they are nasty and pathetic.

Leave it a day or two and apologise again (you owe one regardless of how reasonable your explanation for not attending was) then ask the birthday girl what prompted such a negative reaction.

What the actual fuck? Do NOT take this terrible advice OP, the 'birthday girl' needs to grow the fuck up and stop behaving like Verrucca Salt, she sounds vile.

Yep. Like hell I'd have stayed after that. Block the mean ones and thank the others for having your back.

She sounds like a narcissist with flying monkeys. Maybe she thinks with an ill husband, you may not be a fun friend anymore, but it may also be that you and your husband would be the focus as friends would be inclined to help you, which would take the attention away from her and impact her queen bed status.

Wow, how old are these women?
Mandatory birthday drinks and meal, huffing over lack of presents?!

You don't need that kind of friendship. Tell them to seriously grow up.

Nothing to add OP but I just wanted to send you some love and a huge hug, you don't deserve all of this on top of all you're dealing with, I hope you are able to let go of these people who have shown you who they really are and concentrate on the ones who empathise and care. Be super kind to yourself xxx

I've read your updates and you've handled this beautifully.

It's so unfortunate that many people seem to think that "tragedy" (sorry if that's too strong a word) is highly contagious and freeze out anyone with a problem. Just rest easy in the knowledge you're a better person than them