Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

They seem awful. Odd that this has happened after 13 years of friendship. Is it out of character for them or are they actually not very nice people but it's the first time you have been the target?
I wouldn't want to be friends with people who ganged up on me like that and I would have been upset and embarrassed to. I couldn't imagine my friends doing this but if they did I would want to get to the bottom of why its happened as it would be something they wouldn't usually do.

Solidarity OP. Not exactly sure what they wanted you to do, magically fix the train delays?

I know what its like to be blindsided by a loss of friendship. I loss my best friend over something SO stupid and silly that I was stunned she was making any sort of big deal over it at all, and it all went kaput really quickly. I still feel sad about it.

Do you still want to be friends with them after that because i wouldn’t.

Sometimes you’re friends with people because of circumstances, ie the kids being the same age and you being at the same life stage. But not because in other circumstances you’d actually choose to be friends.

can you remain friends with some of the nicer ones on an individual basis?

To give BG the benefit of the doubt - she may be thinking about the right response and might still surprise you. Possibly clutching at straws.

This 100%

I am so sorry that you’ve had to go through this awful experience. Hopefully getting so many helpful and supportive replies on here will help you to see that you did absolutely nothing wrong. Stay strong, you’re dealing with it really well.

So she was basically pissed off with you for not making an effort, when what you actually did was making a huge effort considering your circumstances. Even brought a present.

She must have seen you as an easy target she could take her anger out on, for her partner not making enough effort and the other ones not bringing her presents. She must have known that you would not tell her to fuck off. Because you are nice.

And the other ones didn’t want to piss her off even more so it was easier to agree with her and let you take the blame when you arrived.

Who paid for this pity party by the way?

I can’t imagine being an adult and throwing such a tantrum about someone being late to my ‘birthday dinner’ that someone at the table ends up crying while a group snipes at them and gangs up. I would have been mortified to be there and continue the night.

OP I’m glad you sent a message today to put your limits in place. A previous poster mentioned that this is a few of them laying the ground work to push you out a bit because of your families bad news. Some people are unfortunately just fair weather in this way and use friends as fun, social outlets rather than people to lean on and give meaningful support to. Wishing you and your family the best, and best of luck to your husband with his treatment!

Okay, say this is true, and how they think, then they’ve outdone the OP, because that is one of the most drama llama reactions to something that’s not a big deal. OP missed some drinks but got there for dinner.

OP is being dramatic about her husband illness, but they’re not being dramatic because someone’s missed drinks? Perspective

And even if you do think your friend is being a drama llama, you don’t do a pile on with multiple others until she’s crying, and then still carry on.
Thats spiteful and cruel.

I don’t think (I don’t think anyone does?) OP is being dramatic, at least now you know which of them are actual mates. Even if you continue meeting this group in time, it’s useful you can file them away as ‘never to be relied upon’

There isn't an excuse for ganging up on one person and making them cry in public, even if the Op was flaky, a bit rubbish, not a great friend (even though she doesn't sound like any of those things). None. It's not ok, I've been in lots of groups of friends and never seen this or done this.

You can, but only for messages you’ve sent.
if you hold down on your messages, then click ‘info’ when it pops up

Well I certainly don't disagree with any of that. The 'friends' sound like bitches. I've caught up on the OP's other posts now and I don't think she's done anything wrong.

I think you've made the right decision, OP. I wouldn't want to go near them or their BBQ while fully 100% well, never mind while recovering from surgery.

I'm surprised how many people have been on the aggressive birthday girl's side, to be honest. I hate being late, so I'm usually waiting for other people and tapping my feet about it, but not even I would complain about someone being late for drinks. One of the functions of pre-dinner drinks in a schedule is to create a time window for late arrivals before the main event! With the best will in the world, once you have more than three people booked for dinner, I find someone is always late, and for perfectly valid reasons outside their control.

This time it was your husband who was caught by trains, which meant it was you.

Horrible, horrible, horrible thing for them to do to you. What a bunch of absolute bitches. Once you are over the upset and humiliation, OP, I hope you just feel immensely relieved to have these people out of your life. You deserve so much better. Surround yourself with lovely people and leave karma to sort out those vipers.

It's horrible when you go through a hard time and realize how many "friends" are not really that, just a social group to go out with once in a while.

You've done the right thing. Step back, focus on the people that matter.

The birthday woman was absolutely horrible and I'd want nothing else to do with her.

Good for you, OP. You’ve called them out on their nasty behavior and your real friend in the group is backing you up. You’ll get over this, you have better friends than them. 💐

If there's genuinely no back story to this and it came out of the blue - I can't believe you stayed to be honest! I would have said screw you and left 🤷‍♀️ it's a birthday not some once in a lifetime event. What an entitled prick your 'friend' is!

I am so furious on your behalf. I can tell you from my own life experience that one very good friend is so much better than a herd of acquaintances. You are right to be hurt but also to put your DH’s needs above that. I’m so proud of you. (Now give me her address. I need a really big patio.)

This is so strange. Personally I would not be bothered if there were only seven instead of eight for the drinks part of a two-part birthday. It’s completely different to flaking where a person is say stranded on their own because the pair of you had bought tickets to something. Surely it barely impacts her? (Plus you had a valid excuse.)

I don’t understand how people can have any friends left if it takes so little to turn on someone

I'm glad to hear you've sent this. She's probably gobsmacked that you dared stand up to her bullshit. What a vile person she must be.

Sorry to hear about your husband, and I hope you are recovering well yourself.

Cannot believe your response!! 🤯

I would have left and not had dinner with them.

My own friendship group is breaking up now that our kids are not all in school together and there is one particular lady who triangulates to exclude this person or that person. This way she is always “in” across multiple groups. I spoke to her today about two close friends no longer seeing eachother (they used to be so so close) and it turns out that there was an argument about her. Shocker.

I had some illness many many years ago and the silence from my school friends was deafening. Most people only have 5-7 real friends and the rest are just seasonal.

Even without the news about your husband & you having had surgery it's a total overreaction by the birthday ex(?) friend.

A train was cancelled & that was that!

Other people managing with 4 kids-so what?

I'm guessing they either didn't need a sitter or one was there!

You made it for the meal which for me would be the main thing.

Drinks before I'd take as more optional.

you might not believe me but you will look back and be grateful this happened, you will be glad they showed their true colours and you didn’t waste any more time on them. Especially now.

My dad says ‘some people won’t like you, they are the wrong type of people’

Yes it is hard, it’s hurtful and it’s ok to be upset but you are better off with a small few good friends than a big gang of bad ones. You will be ok

Holy shit. Drama Llama. Husband has life limiting illness. OP recovering from recent surgery. Still buys friend a birthday present and instead of bailing on an evening out when her husband’s train is late, makes it there anyway. Friend throws her toys out of the pram. And from that you think OP is the ‘Drama Llama.’

Hahaha, that’s hilariously off base. Who has time to be friends with someone that has that outlook.

Gosh, some people are mental aren’t they? OP it wasn’t acceptable for them to treat you like that even if you weren’t going through a difficult time.
They behaved like children….although that’s an insult to children.