Is it really like this having a child?

[Handsomesquidward]

A friend of mine has a toddler now and since he's been born, she won't even leave the local village without months of planning in advance because the entire day revolves around his nap at the exact time.
Zero spontaneity anymore, they have decided not to go abroad for the next few years either.
Everything planned very meticulously, they will only have a night out once every 5 months or something as they will only trust their parents to babysit.

I don't have children and this method obviously works for her, it just feels so restrictive. I cannot imagine living life that way, surely this isn't how it has to be?

I can relate to that. If DD hadn’t had a nap the night that followed was horrendous. Naps were precious for a variety of sanity preserving reasons.
Never had a babysitter either.

Everyone is different and each child is different.

No, it doesn't usually have to be like that. However, some parents do become slaves to their children's routines for various reasons. In some cases, it might be that the child has some kind of SEN or similar that makes them react very badly to their routine being changed. In others, the parents' own anxieties might be a factor.

I think you just have to accept that this is how your friend is going to parent, either by necessity or through choice.

Your friend likes routine and organization, which is good for her. You don't have to live like that if you don't want to, why would you? Her life isn't yours?

Surely you can imagine not all people with children live the same way?

My 5 year old has been on 12 flights, including 4 long haul. My 1 year old has already been to 2 countries.

I don't enjoy nights out so don't do them. If on a Saturday I wake up and want to go to the beach/zoo/museum, we go. Kids can nap in buggies. How much babysitting you get depends on your support network.

My kids are quite adaptable so don't need a strict routine but this obviously depends on the child, and what the parents can cope with in terms of behaviour if the kids are overtired.

Some children really do need their nap time at the same time every day, my children did or they would be exhausted!

Also it’s fair enough to only trust certain people when they are so little. I am lucky I have friends who can babysit and we used nursery staff too but not everyone has that option.

Your friend is making decisions she feels comfortable with, based around her child..very reasonably

We lived like that with DC1 as we needed his routine and naptimes to ensure he got enough sleep and for our sanity.

I’m trying to live more on a whim with my DC2 (6 months) but her having no routine has made things 50 times worse in terms of her and my sleep.

And as for your ‘only trust parents to babysit’, who else do you thinks babysits?

It doesn't have to be like that, but everyone is different.

I preferred a routine for mine at that age because it made life easier.

I didn't leave DS with anyone other than my mum either.

Depends on the child, DD literally couldn’t nap anywhere except her cot, she’s fallen asleep in the car precisely twice. Some kids nod off anywhere and some sleep really really badly. If Dd was out of routine she would be inconsolable, she once scream cried for 3 hours because of a messed up nap, it was awful. We had multiple night wakings past 3yrs old as well. She’s generally a happy kid but her sleep could tip her over the edge really easily.

Your friends are probably really tired and the only way to have their lives run smoothly is to do it this way.

We weren’t able to travel for the first few years due to COVID, now that she’s older we are back to booking time away and it’s been absolutely fine as she had dropped naps by 2.

It's not how it has to be for everyone, but it is how it has to be for some.

We weren't that bad, but our first did best on a strict sleep routine. A missed/poor nap or a bad night made her overtired and the crankiness would last a couple of days. She also only slept in her cot, she slept in the buggy once in her life and that was when she was sick. A cranky baby when you're already exhausted is no fun. She also screamed in the car (record was over an hour) so we minimised travelling despite not living near family.

(Youngest was much more flexible and so life wasn't as controlled - not a second baby thing, a reflux thing.)

For others, it's about their anxiety as parents. Your first baby takes a bomb to every aspect of your life and it's not unusual to struggle with the adjustment. Controlling the routine and staying with the familiar is a tool to deal that with.

A night out every few months with a toddler isn't doing that badly at all, we don't do that well and ours are 6 and 4.

Nap time can be the only couple of hours you get to yourself all day. Can be a sanity saver!

I always used to make the effort to get DS home for it - unless it didn’t suit me, then I pram napped him. He didn’t have mega long naps though, that can be a factor!

And going abroad - meh. Depends on the family. Some parents would consider it more aggro than it’s worth.

My dd doesn't nap in her pram (nearly a year old) so it's a bit of a nightmare if we go out for most of the day because she gets cranky. I like to wait until she's had at least one nap. I haven't booked anything yet but I'm nervous about going abroad with her. Having a routine makes life easier.

Some children (and parents) thrive with a very structured routine while others can be more flexible. It wouldn't be my choice, but this clearly works for your friend and her child.

surely this isn't how it has to be?

Do you really not know of anyone else who hasn’t done it this way?

I would only trust my partner or my closest friends to babysit. I’d say it’s fairly normal to be picky about who you leave your young children with and therefore some parents may not get many nights out.

We travelled lots when ours were babies/toddlers but that’s not for everyone.

Some kids will nap anywhere, others won’t.

My two would fall asleep in the car so I would only drive places if it coincided with nap times. They were terrible sleepers and I was exhausted because of it. If they had a sleep before a certain time, let’s say 2 o’clock in the afternoon (can’t remember their age at the time) then they wouldn’t be tired enough for bedtime. I was existing on very little sleep so sleep was extremely important to me over going out for the day. I also wouldn’t let anyone look after my children from a young age as they wouldn’t go to sleep for them and I’d feel guilty on putting anyone else through that. It was more stressful to go out and let someone else look after my children. Do you know why your friend is like this? Maybe ask her. Every child is different.

No it doesn’t have to be like that. My dd napped on the go if we were out, there’s no way I’d have planned my day around needing to be home for nap time. She didn’t drop her nap until she was 3 so she’s have missed out on days out and other experiences if we’d had to have taken her back for naps which would have been awful for her.

No one babysat mine, they were either with me or DH for the first few years. Even then I think we had a baby sitter a handful of times. It just wasn't something we needed.

As for the nap thing, with my first I was absolutely rigid about nap time; I'm autistic though and for me I guess it gave me some level of control on an otherwise very out of control situation. A couple of years later when the second baby arrived I continued the string routine, tuned out the children are also autistic so they needed this throughout the toddler years. By the time my 3rd arrived I was completely overwhelmed, he was a very demanding baby who barely slept so routine was abandoned in favour of 'fuck it, sleep whenever' and that worked too

It’s how it is for her and that’s her business. She’ll be best placed to know what her child needs. My toddler can go anywhere but he doesn’t get cranky if he doesn’t nap and will nap in his pushchair or in the car so it’s easy - my niece the same age won’t and is very unhappy when she doesn’t nap so I totally get my sister and BIL are routine focussed with her, and happily accommodate that when we see them!

No, it doesn't have to be like that. I took ds hiking in a sling the summer of my maternity leave. He'd snooze whenever he needed. In fact I took him most places with me for the first two years. He would nap just about anywhere.

Some people (babies & parents) like routine but that is their choice.

It doesnt have to be like that and it's not necessarily good for the baby or the mum.

BUT she might be doing things this way as it's the only way she can see to preserve her sanity. She might have a difficult baby or she might just be really struggling. I find it really difficult when I have friends who are so rigid about parenting and I have two tiny ones so I know what it's like. But I try to extend grace because everyone's lives are different. She could probably benefit from seeing other mums do things differently so that she knows it ok to relax.

Sigh. At 3 or 4 months, DS started sleeping through the night. Bliss!!!

And then , when he was 6 months old, we went on a brief holiday. Literally a long weekend. Completely and utterly ficked up his routine. It took about 18 months to get back to where we'd been.

With hindsight we'd have stayed put, and stuck to his established routine, for quite but longer.

I have travelled the world with my baby- but you will soon understand about nap time if you choose to have a child.

If you have care of a toddler, their nap time is 2 hours of you time. To catch up with chores, to study or to slob- however you want to spend it.

It’s very understandable that she doesn’t want torpedo that part of her day. Toddlers are relentless and nap time is a break for you if you take it that way. I have one relax nap on a Friday and the other 4 I need to work. I’m sure as hell not arranging anything over nap time either.

we’ll flex things for a car nap sometime, but only on weekends where there are 2 of us caring during the day, so it’s less pressing that you get that ‘break’

Some parents are like that. But some children are harder than others.
Luckily with my DS (2yo) I can be quite flexible as he’ll nap in the car, and will power through occasionally with a short or no nap and still sleep fine in the evening. But I do love nap time at home (so I get a bit of down time!) so for the most part I’ll stick to the routine, but I add in a bit of flexibility for a special meet up/day out.

Sorry but that's really condescending.

Of course all parents know that some families aren't as rigid with their routines in the same way that everyone knows that some babies sleep through the night from very early on or wean effortlessly. Very few parents are desperate to live a very restrictive life that is organised around their baby/toddler's nap and sleep regime. I would wager that 95% of parents that live like this are doing so as a survival mechanism to cope with a baby/toddler that is inflexible with their sleep and where the consequences of the child missing a nap are so severe that parents do anything to make sure that the nap happens.

I had children like this and I am by nature a relaxed person that doesn't particularly like routine. Naps and bedtime were vital to our family's happiness and were prioritised over everything else. Now I have older kids, those days seem a distant memory and I can be relatively relaxed around sleep as the children can cope with this now. I still felt a flash of anger though reading your post as I remember those parents with babies that slept well looking at me with pity and smugly trying to give advice and show me there was another way to do things. It's almost impossible to be a relaxed, flexible parent when you have a high needs and difficult baby or toddler.

My 15 month old will only nap in his crib so we’ve not spent a whole day away from the house since he was about 6 months old. There’s no way I’d risk him missing a nap and then having an awful night / rubbish day the next day. It’s not really worth it if we’re all grumpy and tired the whole next day.
Your friend is probably also aware that this is just a temporary stage. At some point the naps will stop and it’ll be easier for them to travel further. They won’t need a nap forever, but whilst they do you’ve got to just do whatever you can to make it easy. I have friends with toddlers the same age who can just sleep wherever, with noise and light etc. Sounds wonderful! I’m looking forward to being able to spend a whole day out and about and I’m sure your friend is too.

Yes sometimes it has to be like this. Some babies need absolutely strict conditions to nap, and I have friends who really struggled if they didn’t have their baby in their cot at home at a particular time. Sometimes this is parental preference, sometimes they hate it but it’s the only way to get through the day with their child. My biggest shock when becoming a parent was how much of our approach to parenting was driven by our baby - I had imagined a baby as being mouldable to the parents approach, but it turns out they’re autonomous little humans too, with their own needs and preferences which they demand in a way which is unavoidable!

We were big travellers, but we haven’t taken ours abroad for a holiday (we have visited family overseas) yet - we have our first abroad holiday booked for when they’re 4 and 6. It just hasn’t been worth the effort for us.

And yes we only have parents babysit. Partly due to trust, in the early years due to how much of a nightmare one was to get to sleep, I didn’t feel we could leave that to a babysitter!

A little bit yes a little bit no.

We never revolved our life around naps but if we needed to travel we’d try to do it over a nap time. Now we have 2 and they nap at different times so we do what we need to.

Holidays: totally different for different people. DH hates holidays with the children. Like absolutely loathes it. Would rather not go away. I think they’re an adventure. But having to entertain a toddler for a 3 hour flight is tough when they’re used to being on the move and have a 10 minute attention span. DS found the airport overwhelming ant 21mo and we were glad we’d got upgraded to business as we (and he) could enjoy the peace of the lounge.

Babysitting: toddlers are different to small children, they need their bottom wiping, may be in nappies, can’t express emotions, get anxious around people they don’t know. I don’t know many people who’d leave their very small child with a teenager or even an adult their child didn’t know well. That means it’s usually grandparents. I would leave DC with one of the staff at their nursery, but minimum wage is £11.44 and I can’t justify the best part of £50
for 4 hours out.