Is it really like this having a child?

[Handsomesquidward]

A friend of mine has a toddler now and since he's been born, she won't even leave the local village without months of planning in advance because the entire day revolves around his nap at the exact time.
Zero spontaneity anymore, they have decided not to go abroad for the next few years either.
Everything planned very meticulously, they will only have a night out once every 5 months or something as they will only trust their parents to babysit.

I don't have children and this method obviously works for her, it just feels so restrictive. I cannot imagine living life that way, surely this isn't how it has to be?

Some people with easier more flexible babies don't see it, but there is a huge element of luck of the draw when it comes to children. You do it in the best way to keep everybody happy and sane, and that looks a little bit different for everyone. So no, it doesn't have to be done the way your friend does it if your child is able to cope with a different type of approach. Trust that she's coping the best way she can for her family and don't judge.

There was a period of time, when my daughter was little, and I was trying to wean her off daytime naps (ergo late evening bedtimes 😭) that I wouldn't go anywhere in a car in the afternoons!

It seems extraordinary to say that now! But she'd go straight to sleep and all my carefully planned sleep training for the evening/night was gone!

Travelling abroad with a baby/toddler can be way more bother than it’s worth

If they don’t get a nap chances are the day is ruined anyway because they will be insufferable, and the night will probably be fucked too

Spontaneous nights out - yep that no longer happens

Only grandparents to babysit - who else do you suggest?

Our child either came places with us or went to granparents, and yes we went travelling,our child just went with what we did

Some children are easier than others, if your friend’s is like mine, my DD needs her nap properly done most of the time (i.e. not in the car, not in the pram, outside, etc.), otherwise she gets tired and cranky for the rest of the day. You can hope yours will be more easygoing but it’s a lottery.

No, it wasn't like that for us. My baby was extremely portable (not every baby is) and we made the most of that because that's how we wanted it to be however, not everyone does. Loved taking him out and about either day or night and abroad but he slept in his pram which was a bonus.

Going abroad with babies or toddlers is pointless. It's not a holiday.

Having immediate family to babysit makes sense and I wouldn't want a paid stranger looking after my child just so I can socialise.

Everyone parents differently and not all kids are the same. With my eldest if I was out across naptime during the day then I needed to be home by bedtime as she'd get very unsettled by then, simply put I couldn't burn the candle at both ends. My son would take his nap anywhere even as a toddler. My current toddler is similar to her sister in that of she misses her nap is very tired and unsettled by bedtime, lots of tears. I have 3 children now so if we will be out in the evening I will make sure to put dd2 down for even an hour. If we are out all day she usually copes well but I won't push her bedtime to too late as then she cries a lot. My parents live further away and we usually leave after lunch to get to them so dd2 naps on the way. All 3 have always been able to sleep in the car.

The only people I'm happy to babysit are my siblings and grandparents. As my parents live further away then a night off is rare unless dh and I alternate. I have no issues with this, they are only little for a short time and I'm happy.

My DD is nearly one and only naps in her cot. She only naps for an hour a day. I have to plan my day around her naps or else she'll scream.

It doesn't have to be, no.

All parents are different, as are all babies.

Being totally rigid on set routines and not allowing others to help care for your baby work for some parents, others prefer a more fluid or flexible routine.

I had a car sick, non-sleeping baby in a pandemic so nobody else could help.

I guess I didn’t have to worry too much about routine because there was nowhere to go…

But not all babies are created equal. Those on here whose babies slung around Africa at 4 months or whatever got lucky with their baby’s temperament, and if they don’t recognise that then it’s bonkers. Sleeping or not sleeping babies is a form of privilege.

(PS: the one mum in our group whose baby slept well, early, set up as a sleep consultant. She did the same the rest of us did, just got lucky with hers)

With some babies if you miss a nap they cope.

With other babies if you miss a nap they spend six hours screaming at you at high volume.

If you've ever heard a baby screaming and crying you'll know that after the first hour you want them to shut up, after the second hour you will pay all the money you have or ever will earn in your life to stop the noise and by hour six you'll do literally anything,

I don't really care if people think I was rigid in my plans when mine was a baby. It wasn't them who had to deal with the overtired screaming and being unsettled for the rest of the day an evening. It's easy to think oh it's just one day but when you're shattered anyway and know it's going to be miserable I'd rather stick to my nap routine thanks 😂

Life and mental health is wrecked for parents without sleep. Can understand getting into an intense routine when stressed about sleep and toddler. It sounds like self preservation to me and will lighten up when they get some sleep…. In a few years!

Nap time in my house is precious, my ds is a terrible sleeper , we often have to take him into the car to get him to nap and he needs his nap, otherwise he gets very cranky and hard to deal with. We also don't have anyone to baby sit. Can't afford 50 euro minimum on top of a night out, so we just don't go out together. It is what it is and yes you sometimes have to make sacrifices for your child's wellbeing and your own

I think you probably aren’t being very understanding of the realities of life with very young children.

I am a pretty relaxed parent. I can deal with flexible bed and meal times. I don’t mind them sleeping in the pram / car. I like to have an adult life.

But… total spontaneity doesn’t work. They do need a nap in the middle of the day. It’s not as simple as putting them in a pram and telling them that’s it.

This then makes it very stressful for the parent. I’m visiting some family friends this weekend and I can’t get any info about what is planned. It will be a group of 14 people and we have the only toddler.

I’m already dreading the inevitable ‘we have booked lunch at 1pm’, ‘dinner will be at 9pm’, ‘oh we always got to the pub at 7pm on a Saturday’ etc, which I will then have to look like an ‘unspontaneous’ neurotic mother because I have to say no to / do silly things like spend a lunch having to wheel the pram so DC sleeps.

Recently we met some friends for lunch and the restaurant was so busy you couldn’t move around, we had to sit on stools, and there were no high chairs. The lunch went on for three hours. It was absolutely ridiculous with a toddler and because we had no information we couldn’t say no!

If you have a bad sleeper, you'll do anything that might help. I don't think parents with restrictive routines went into parenthood aiming for that. Sleep deprivation nearly killed me (literally, I was planning my suicide - PND was significantly worsened by lack of sleep), I'd have done anything to get her to sleep better.

Its completely normal only to have a couple of trusted babysitters for a very young child, yes. Often this is family or a worker from the child's nursery as babies and toddlers typically are very stressed out by being left with strangers - it can make them clingy and upset for weeks after, believe it or not!

Some children are easy sleepers and happily have a good long nap pretty much anywhere, as and when.

However lots of babies and toddlers prefer routine, and sleep much better somewhere familiar like their own cot or pram, and won't sleep at all if there's a lot going on around them. These are often the same kids who are then awful if tired - screamy, overtired messes.

Yes, you do lose a lot of spontantaneity when you have a child. What underpins this is that you have to put the child's needs first, not your owns wants.

Depends on entirely on the parents and the child. I have one friend with a 1 year old who is very strictly into routines and staying at home much like you describe, and another friend with a 1 year old who is currently sailing round the world on a totally random schedule.

Neither of those lifestyles would be for me on paper, but our first is due any minute so ask me again in a year!

Different strokes for different folks.

It doesn’t always have to be this way but if she needs, or chooses it to be this way, it’s her call.

I understand that you may find it difficult to understand but could this also be linked to your loss of how things used to be in your relationship with her?

it won’t always be like this for her, but it is for now. I found some of my friendships were put on hold in my children’s early years and really appreciate the people who accepted that and didn’t lose touch and still keep in contact now, despite the loss of ‘how it used to be’.

They're adaptable because you're not a slave to some routine! I couldn't understand what people meant when our first baby was born about 'routine', I used to say Today's routine is this, tomorrow's may be totally different!

Life with a child is restrictive. Sometimes more, sometimes less depending on the child and the parents. Its a massive shock to the system. They're just doing what works for them.

I dont know anyone in real life who is like this with their children, but it seems so common on MN. I couldn't imagine making myself so restricted, my kids were both fine and were never an issue at bedtime whether they'd had a nap at a specific time or not. They'd nap on the go if they needed it. But I get we are all different.

My dc naps in the buggy, so I don't have any restrictions on where we go. I have a lot of prep for days out, but it's all routine now so I do it automatically - bag of nappies, spare clothes, packed lunch, toys.

We don't do nights out out of choice and haven't had evenings out since dc1 was born 6 years ago - we like to be the ones to do the bedtime routine and also don't want a babysitter in our home. But I think we're rare in our circle to do this and people are always swapping babysitter details.