Is it really like this having a child?

[Handsomesquidward]

A friend of mine has a toddler now and since he's been born, she won't even leave the local village without months of planning in advance because the entire day revolves around his nap at the exact time.
Zero spontaneity anymore, they have decided not to go abroad for the next few years either.
Everything planned very meticulously, they will only have a night out once every 5 months or something as they will only trust their parents to babysit.

I don't have children and this method obviously works for her, it just feels so restrictive. I cannot imagine living life that way, surely this isn't how it has to be?

I had one child who was flexible on naps and would nap anywhere, when they wanted to, sometimes not at all - it made absolutely no difference to their night sleep or mood. Their sibling was the complete opposite- needed structure, set nap times and their own cot for a decent nap. It really is luck of the draw as all kids are different.

Re babysitting, we are lucky enough to have lots of trusted aunts and uncles to babysit, as well as grandparents. Absolutely no way would I have left my babies/toddlers with babysitters, for a number of reasons.

Holidays, again, it's luck of the draw as to how your baby/toddler travels, which is why some lots dont bother til they're older. One thing it most definitely isn't though, regardless of temperament, is relaxing.

I never left dd with a baby sitter and she's 7. She comes with us. No it doesn't have to be like your df. I went out all the time but dd slept in the car. Every child is different

No, it shouldn't be like that. That would have driven me mad. I did anything and everything and if their nap was late so be it or they slept in the pushchair or car wherever we were. It meant they got used to not having to sleep in a cot all the time and we weren't ruled by routines.

When mine were babies I used to plan a lot around their nap times, although not to the extent that I’d never go anywhere. It made my life easier and they were happier - a tired cranky baby is no fun for anyone. We also didn’t go abroad until youngest was 3 - it’s not really a holiday when they’re very young as you’ve still got all the hard work but without the convenience of everything you need at home. We were happy with that choice- had some nice UK holidays and have been away to a different country with them every summer since.
I think until you’ve had a child of your own you really have no idea of what’s involved and should hold off on judging.

Definitely not unusual to not have many nights out as a parent. Most parents don't want to leave their precious kids with a random babysitter so of course she has to arrange it for when grandparents are free. Re: naps, I'm more chilled with them but my baby is easy. If she was a nightmare when overtired I'd be the same as your friend.

It’s SO easy to judge if your child hasn’t needed that level of routine or approach, until you’ve had/looked after a child who has then you realise. I’ve been a nanny for over 10 years, and one of mine was like that- it’s a sharp lesson, that’s for sure.

It differs for everyone. I had a friend who had a child the same time as me. Her child was really chilled, would nap anywhere and she was able to do lots of groups. I got a fussy screamer who you could being nowhere and nobody could mind or even hold. It's the luck of the draw really!

It is very obvious, OP, that you don’t have children and have never had to deal with a child who needs sleep at a certain time or it won’t sleep at night, night after night, so the parents end up completely broken.

My friend was super judgy of parents who wanted their kid in a routine and down in its cot 7 so they could “have their evening”. She was like “oh, that’s such a British thing - why have kids then?!”

But then, she doesn’t work outside the home, so broken sleep at night is, frankly, less of an issue if your whole life is looking after your children and you don’t have a job with clients for whom you need to deliver.

Your friend is probably doing this as a survival mechanism: I know I did because I simply couldn’t survive on repeatedly broken sleep at night.

Oh and i was determined to make dc2 be flexible and spent months trying doggedly to "just let her snooze anywhere".

It never fucking worked! She'd nod off for 20 mins in a sling, pram or car seat then wake up cranky and furious because she needed longer asleep. We triec everything but she wouldn't ever nod back off she'd just cry for 2 hours and be a nightmare for the rest of the day. The week we cracked and just accepted she was happier taking a bloody monster 3 hour nap at home in a cot changed our lives for the better.

We liked uk holidays, it was easier & more affordable to not pay for flights.

It's a minority of babies that need such an extreme routine. Babies commonly can sleep in prams/ cars and many parents can tweak plans around that. Some babies need their cot in their own room, but parents usually manage to get further than their own village around that and just carefully time their day to balance baby and life.

Babies' routines change so over time naps consolidate then phase out generally around 1-2. They don't stay fixed in the same rigid routine for ever. Mine napped until 3-4 but they were on-the-go nappers and slept better for being stimulated and tired out. With hindsight this was one of my autistic child's coping strategies and he'd just shut down into an afternoon nap when his brain reached its limit.

Babysitting is more awkward. We've had phases where it's not been viable. First I EBFed bottle refusers. I've had phases where I've had someone known and avaliable, and phases where I haven't. Now the DCs are older and just need company in the house, I've got a young leader from one of my youth groups but we've had phases of years where there wasn't anyone suitable to ask. DS moaned yesterday about babysitters- they were all people well known to him, but he's happiest with our current arrangement. He was going on as though I'd pulled random people off the streets!

I come from a big loud family - so many ages and different things happening at different times - so basically babies and toddlers have had to adapt to that and for it with what was already happening. and we have followed suit but that’s what works for us. Early on my step kids asked will they have to be extra quiet when baby comes and I said nope. That won’t change. Luckily my toddler can sleep through anything. But everyone is different I know this worn worn for everyone.

I’d echo on luck, I know people who have one of each kind. I didn’t enjoy it, it was restrictive having to rush home for a nap but through experience it wasn’t worth it to do it any other way. Even with the routine we were extremely sleep deprived for years, without the routine it was worse.

Also couldn’t bet her into a baby carrier, I had a lovely wrap one I had bought expecting to be able to float around like an earth mother with my baby calmly nestling against me sleeping. But no she went batshit every single time I put her in it. I thought it was a wonderful natural way to carry your baby, turns out some of them don’t like it. Which meant the bloody buggy went everywhere as well. Couldn’t even nip to the shops easily.

Maybe. To be honest I personally cannot have a strict routine as it's impossible for me. My kids make a huge fuss going to bed and don't sleep great at night, and maybe it's our fault, but we manage.

I do admire people with the organization skills to keep a good routine though, who get their kids to bed without a long fight!

Yep, all the people who say the reason the baby is not flexible is because the parents aren’t flexible have no idea that they just got lucky with their baby’s temperament! You can be as chilled and “go with the flow” as you like but if your baby refuses to sleep out and about then that’s down to how they are, not because of overly fussy parenting.

This is just not true! I'm sorry if you've experienced differently but we and many others have had lovely relaxing holidays, active holidays, camping holidays, long haul holidays, cruise holidays all of which have been fantastic and have done ever since he was 3 months old!

Not my experience with my three. We didn't need to have set nap times as they would sleep when they needed and anywhere. We didn't go abroad when they were little as didn't want to do the flying with small people sat on our laps.

I think it very much depends on your parenting style and the baby you get. We have always been pretty laid back and flexible as are the kids. However, if we'd had none sleepers who needed structured sleep routines then we would have probably ended up the same.

Yes sometimes it's like that. And sometimes it isn't. There's no right or wrong

Parents who are like that don't go into it thinking they will be. But you don't know the baby or toddler you've got until you've got them.

In the early days sleep can absolutely become priority number one. You don't have a child so you do not know the crippling exhaustion that comes with some babies. If a strict routine helps everyone get sleep then some parents will obviously prioritise that. It's a phase that doesn't last forever. I've known some people who didn't get it because they're baby is chill and they just crack on with their normal lives with baby in tow. Then along comes baby number 2 to fuck up the dream bubble for them and suddenly they get it.

Your friend is doing what she needs to do for now because that's what works for her family.

Some kids thrive off routine some thrive off spontaneity.

Ditto for parents.

Having kids truly humbles you and what you can manage on poor sleep, so even if the kid is fine on no nap bang on nap time, if the parents aren't then that's entirely justified.

My own SEN DS loves spontaneity, could not get him to nap at nap time for love nor money, but it was because he needed spontaneity that I needed structure otherwise nothing would have got done.

I also think it's normal to only want grandparents babysitting without asking them to do it regularly. They've done their fair share of parenting now and babysitting should have some compromise on their terms.

Well each to their own! I had a section and was out at a restaurant the second day out of hospital. I took my baby on holiday at six weeks. I joined the local post natal group when he was three weeks. I needed to get out of the house every day! Nap time was as and when - night time routine was pretty strict though.
That your friend has got an iron clad schedule will make it tricky when (if) she has another. But good luck to her. Certainly does not mean everyone is like that!
Some routine is good, but so is having some flexibility.

It was pretty like that for us. It really depends on the child. Mine were NOT chilled, and would not settle for a babysitter. That meant they screamed for the entire period they were with the sitter, and the sitter did not return. You can't go and enjoy a nice meal in those circumstances.

We did go abroad but it was awful so we holidayed seperately for the first few years and just for a weekend at a time.

We didn’t bother with much of a nap routine as it didn’t suit DD, we did things and she either napped or didn’t, she slept fine at night regardless.

But she is nearly 5 years old and we have never had anyone babysit so not been out at night as a couple since 2019.

Doesn’t bother us in the slightest though. We go out separately just not together. We do lunch dates instead.

My first was adaptable, because that was her nature. No day was the same and whatever we did, she would sleep amazingly at night. I couldn't understand people who were so rigid but that was because my child didn't need that and I stupidly assumed that this was the norm and that babies were fine with no routine and people who insisted on one were just making things hard for themselves.
Then I had my second and she did not do adaptable. She barely slept at the best of times, to the point I was suicidal because of sleep deprivation. If she didn't have a solid routine things were even more unbearable.
You are so lucky if you didn't have to be a slave to the same routine.

It really depends on your kid. But even if it is like that for some, it's for a few years max.
Weird to me that you can't imagine responding to what a kid needs. It makes the parent's life easier usually.
My parents don't babysit and neither does anyone else except siblings now and then. I dgaf about nights out. We travel a LOT though and kids (youngest 18 mo) eat out with us and are very well behaved, not in "kid" places either.
It's very individual but chances are she's doing what maximises HER sleep. And that is a prize more precious than rubies. In the scheme of things her kid will be in school in like 2 mins.

I didn't live like your friend when mine were little (had 2 under 2). I lived abroad so no family help but I did use babysitters from when the oldest was about 4 months old. She fell asleep anywhere and it didn't have to be dark or quiet so she was very portable. When her little brother came along he just followed suit and I did the same with him. We travelled quite a bit when they were small so they were in different time zones, places, climates etc and they never really got used to any type of routine for very long. They have both grown up to be very normal humans but neither of us are particularly rigid or good at planning ahead.