Is it really like this having a child?

[Handsomesquidward]

A friend of mine has a toddler now and since he's been born, she won't even leave the local village without months of planning in advance because the entire day revolves around his nap at the exact time.
Zero spontaneity anymore, they have decided not to go abroad for the next few years either.
Everything planned very meticulously, they will only have a night out once every 5 months or something as they will only trust their parents to babysit.

I don't have children and this method obviously works for her, it just feels so restrictive. I cannot imagine living life that way, surely this isn't how it has to be?

A grumpy, overtired baby or toddler is no fun for anyone. If you meet up with your friend and her child is like this, she'll be too busy settling them to give you her attention or the baby will be screaming or crying wherever you are, which is hardly relaxing.

I'm lucky that neither of my DC have been this rigid and both are fairly flexible, but DC2 has definitely suffered a bit from being dragged out on school runs for DC1 (which clearly aren't flexible at all), and we've had a fair amount of ratty, moany behaviour as a result of naps being cut short too early, and a few full-on meltdowns. Despite our best efforts, DC2 was not a pram napper and seldom naps for long in the buggy.

Yes, there is no point trying to force a child who needs less sleep to bed before they're ready. My 6yo's sleep needs are towards the lower end of the range for their age (10 hours not 12) and so they're in bed at 9pm for a 7am wake-up.

That sounds DULL!

I'm sure they would love to have more nights out, but "not allowing anyone other then her parents to babysit" probably translates as not having anyone else to ask. Some people have lots of local family or friends who are happy to have the kids, but some people don't, it doesn't mean they are choosing not to go out. You could always offer to take the toddler out for the day to give them a break, I'm sure they would appreciate it.

The no holidays, I also get. It's not that you can't take young children abroad, but it is more work and less fun, so often doesn't seem worth the effort and expense for something they won't remember. For the adults it's just parenting in a different place, without all the stuff they you have at home to make your life easier. (they are most likely also drowning in nursery bills right now anyway, so don't want to might actually be can't).

I didn't personally plan to be home at nap time, but would need to fit in either a buggy walk or car journey in the middle of the day. If they have a kid that only naps at home, that is more restrictive, but still just them doing what they've got to do.

Basically, you are only ever as happy as your saddest child, so 9 times out of 10, doing what makes your child happiest, also makes your life easier, so most parents will go with it, especially with babies/toddlers.

Second this about the holidays.

Taken DD away on holiday twice and to visit family a few times. It is not fun. Before people start screeching that they used to drive their kids all over the place and it was fine, it is doable. But it's not fun.

We have, this year, opted for weeks off throughout the year to go for days out, picnics, having family time at home. Which means DD is at the end of the day in her own bed, in her own home, surrounded by everything she knows and she's had the same fun she would have on holiday, without the travel there and then everything being unfamiliar. Means we can save the travelling for family visits, which are one or two nights and then she's back in her own bed.

With toddlers and small children, it's about making life enjoyable, which usually means easier and a bit smaller, rather than trying to have the life you did before.

I agree with pp on the holidays.

You come back more frazzled than when you went and £2k down. Even a good kids' club/creche isn't a sure thing as the kids may not want to go and the staff (understandably) will give them back to you if they don't settle.

Fine if you're taking your kids for an 'experience' - pool, beach, different activities, experience different places etc. But at this age, there are also other 'experiences' you can give your kids - a trip to the dentist, going on a train, the local leisure centre pool, church messy play - which don't cost so much and don't involve so much organisation, packing and travel stress.

To add to this breastfeeding is hugely demanding in the early days and can tie Mum to baby/toddler, especially if milk supply isn’t plentiful/she can’t pump and store (for others to do bottle feeds).

Agree with others regarding the hassle of going away when young.

Babies can’t thermoregulate properly so there is a big risk of overheating.

We went away but we had aircon in the apartment and kept to the shade during peak sun.

We brought 3 full suitcases (including nappies for 2wks as baby brand bound), a baby bag, a travel bag, a travel cot and mattress, buggy… and paid extra £700 for a bigger car!!

1 week wasn’t enough pay off for the amount of effort, for the second attempt and beyond we always booked two.

So expensive and so much hassle.

Needless to say it was possible for first but couldn’t be bothered with the baby toddler faff after this.

re. Kids clubs, we haven’t left ours with them as one disabled and feel with language barrier they might not pick up on needs. That and speculation that Madeleine McCann was spotted and targeted while at a holiday kids club puts me off… like them where I can see them.

It can be. I think, unless you've been through it, it's hard to understand how awful sleep deprivation is and the extent you'd go to avoid it.

I think you've come on here in the hope people will say your "friend's" behaviour isn't normal, and that isn't very nice.

It wasn’t like this for me and I had 6 kids in 8 years. Being spontaneous is much harder. But I certainly went out in the evenings and went on holiday with the kids. Nothing was ever planned round their nap times. They could nap in the pram or car/

It just takes the hotel to provide an uncomfortable travel cot mattress (and many do 😬) and then that screws up your sleep for the whole holiday. It's extra stuff to fit in, but we always take our own travel cot and mattress because we can't be sure what they're going to provide. A thin slightly padded board might be fine for a tiny baby but our 1yo doesn't sleep well on it.

I had one of those super relaxed babies that slept anywhere for a while. Then he got an ear infection when he was one and just stopped sleeping. He's 12 now and we've just come out of yet another two year run of poor sleep.
We tried everything when he was little - early bed, late bed, nightlight, darkness, silence, white noise - you name it we tried it over the years. He just doesn't bloody sleep.
It's affected my health, my work, my relationship and my sanity - so if your friend needs to have this routine to get by then so be it, and just hope that you never find yourself in that position.

Nap time= save your sanity time for many parents.

Wasn’t like that for me and I had a disabled sen son with major health issues and a toddler who didn’t sleep. I just made things work if I wanted to go somewhere as he had to come with me because no one would look after him. We had plenty of periods of not being able to leave the house/in hospital so we made the most of other times ( much consultants eyerolling over what I used to do with him)
But every parent is different and every child is different.

Routines - we didn’t have any particularly and happily travelled a lot.
Babysitters - only one set of parents and one sibling. Tried with various paid babysitters in toddlerhood and it wasn’t worth the aggro, DC never settled with them.

Friends had a rock solid fairly restrictive routine but they got a lot more sleep than us.

If you have a child you have to prioritize their needs rather than putting your needs first. Sounds like you're not parent material op.

DS loved his routine, but would sleep anywhere - pram, car, supermarket trolley, cot, literally anywhere, and life continued accordingly.

DD resisted sleep, had massive FOMO and was cranky as hell if she didn't nap. She would just about nap in her cot in her room. Days out and holidays with her were awful.

There is no one size fits all way of parenting children, especially babies. The parents and babies eventually work out what works for them (and yes, babies can make their opinions known). There is no right of wrong way. It doesn't have to be like that, but that is what that family have found works for them.

I did say ‘some’ - probably the same sort of people who’ve always made a colossal fuss about everything.

@beergiggles

its a balance! Being a parent doesn’t mean having to be a martyr!

I don't recognise myself in that at all. If we need to go somewhere our child would nap in the car and/or pram. Or not.
But our child has never been the cranky type.

Sometimes prioritising your own needs means prioritising the kids. DC needs a nap, or they're cranky? Let them have the nap and then you are not dealing with the cranky child and are able to have some headspace, get something done that's bugging you or also have a nap.

It's not being a martyr to choose to stick to a routine that you know is going to work, rather than go out for a coffee or a meal that you know is going to have a knock on effect in your life because you broke the routine.

It’s not about being a martyr, sometimes there are times where your kids needs should come first.

That's a bit of a reach 🤣

Every child and family is different. It has been harder than I thought with small children. We don't have willing or locally living grandparents so we have 2 nights away together in 9years for friends weddings. We end up tag teaming for social things. We tried babysitters- really expensive and unreliable. It became not worth it.

I was so exhausted in the baby/ toddler years and tied by breastfeeding babies I was limited socially.

I was quite happy to take them away bu myself for weekends,venture further afield. We went abroad with first baby at 6 months, but it's honestly same shit different location on holiday. I didn't venture abroad again until eldest was 8yo. Entertaining toddlers on flights/ abroad sucks.

I imagine if you formula feed & have local grandparents that baby sit it is different and you can resume your social life much easier.

I had one child that barely slept, so we went everywhere as it didn't matter - we'd roll with the cranky overtired child as she was actually better being outside.

The other would have a 2 hour nap, but only in certain circumstances- mainly her cot. I was willing to stay in for a 2 hour break once the eldest went to school it was bliss!

You have to parent the child you have.....

I think the op is really talking about rigid parenting though. It’s a type of lifestyle I’ve seen and certainly seems to produce very compliment DC. It’s a routine that’s not broken but dc don’t seem any more interesting then the parents. Life is for living and not every second has to be devoted to a child. It’s only in countries where many women don’t work that this routine for stay at home parents is followed. If both parents work, baby often goes to a nursery. They will sleep in a nursery cot if they have to!

Going abroad can be a faff but seems a shame to deny first child a fun holiday because the baby might not hack it. By and large they do. We never flew much over 2 hours and dc perfectly ok. I do think being very rigid with every meeting with friends dictated by dc becomes a recipe for having no friends.