Is it really like this having a child?

[Handsomesquidward]

A friend of mine has a toddler now and since he's been born, she won't even leave the local village without months of planning in advance because the entire day revolves around his nap at the exact time.
Zero spontaneity anymore, they have decided not to go abroad for the next few years either.
Everything planned very meticulously, they will only have a night out once every 5 months or something as they will only trust their parents to babysit.

I don't have children and this method obviously works for her, it just feels so restrictive. I cannot imagine living life that way, surely this isn't how it has to be?

I’ve found the opposite so far, though admittedly DTwins were only born in April but having a good routine, especially when it comes to naps/sleeping has been even more vital with 3 children so far.

is the other child at school?

Our older one got the absolute worst night terrors if she didn't nap during the day as a toddler. Screamed the house down for hours at night, and we couldn't get her to stop, it was horrible. Our youngest doesn't, and seems more apt to not fight sleep at night when overtired/missed a nap. It depends on the child. Some people really love routine, others are more flexible, but there also might be a reason that she sticks to it that hard.

New parents sometimes go overboard wanting to be perfect parents. Nothing you can do except work with their schedule if you want to spend time with them.

We were really strict on naps and bedtime routines. It really worked for us. It didn't really stop me doing anything but I did plan around naps and leave places early to get my kids into bed on time.

Sometimes missing a nap window can lead to a very unsettled night so naps are a big deal.

But for the most part babies can just fit in without the need to obsess over their schedule. It really is more to do with the parents personalities and priorities.

A lot of my friends live a distance. The ones I've managed to remain friends with after kids are the laid back parents. We prioritise seeing each other, even if it's once a year. Babies and kids got bundled in the car and driven 4 hours. No one got much sleep but we remained connected. When friends were difficult about traveling with their kids it became one sided and eventually too hard to remain close. We missed out on seeing their children grow up and grew apart.

I can totally relate and a night out every 5 months is good in my standards, I have never left my dd (almost 3) over night and my 5 year old only twice (once while in hospital having her sister) I honestly don't find it restrictive, my priorities have completely changed since having children and I want to be with them and for my life to revolve around them for these very short years while they're so young. However plenty friends and family I know don't do this, varying from some being out child free most weekends and leaving their kids constantly to carry on a fun life that doesn't revolve around the kids, some not at all. I never stuck to a strict nap routine though, we had days out, classes we went to at different times of day and my kids just slept as and when/where it worked it. I do know friends who were very regimented with the daily 2 hour nap at home though.

When you've had someone important enter your life (to stay), did your lifestyle not change?

Her lifestyle has changed, how she's managing it has to suit her, her partner if there is one and her child, 3 people to coordinate, before they've even got out of bed. She might also be extremely tired - I know I was for about 2.5 years after each of my children were born. She might not have many people who can help her out so she doesn't have to be so 'restrictive'.

No. He's just about to turn 18 months so I suppose it helps in a way that they are close in age or maybe it would be different if I only had one baby this time instead of two.

My friend is very routine driven, has to be home for a certain time as her kids won't sleep in the car or pram, won't visit family at night even for special occasions if it doesn't fit in with bedtime routine etc. To me that would be horrific I need flexibility- she does have children who sleep early and well at night though so I can see the benefits. I think it's just whatever works for a family.

My son is similar, and I believe it is not good for either child or parent. My son makes many sacrifices and I think children need to learn to adapt.

I have never said anything to my son, as I don't believe it is my place to do so. By-the-way, he was, before is daughter was born, and is the same today with his dogs, feeding etc.

Not everybody is so strict.

Depends on the child, my big three would sleep anywhere, but with my twins I had the others in school so they almost accidentally got into a really specific routine which fit around pick ups and drop offs, it also meant they only ever really napped in their cots so they were harder to take out in the day.

Most kids it doesn’t have to be that way and you can parent in other ways. Some kids that may be the only thing that works for them.

I was nothing like your friend with either of mine. On a nice day with just the baby I’d go out with her in sling and a little backpack with a sleepsuit, 3 nappies, wipes, suncream and a water bottle/umbrella for me in the side pockets and we’d manage the day wherever we ended up just fine. With both of them I took the pushchair and had a bag with more stuff but beyond that planned v little. Mine slept in the sling/pushchair as well as at home so it was no bother. I always figured worst case we’d have to buy a bit more stuff while out and about

It’s harder to be entirely spontaneous but certainly you won’t have to be that structured in lots of cases. Your friend maybe just feels safer that way though.

I tend to think if you don’t make much effort to see “friends” you don’t actually value them. Why would they hang around for 5 years to reconnect? We just moved on and decided that people who didn’t really want to see us and put barriers up, were living a life they wanted but were prepared to sacrifice friends. So be it. We all moved on. The vast majority worked out how to stay friends and have toddlers.

My DDs slept 8 hours from 10 weeks. Never had disturbed nights at all from around 3 months. We didn’t have early mornings either. We just mostly slept at the same time. My DDs never got really tired and at 6.30 they were probably still eating. We noticed the early bedtime dc got really tired at school. As mine were always late, they were still full of beans and were doing loads of after school activities by y1.

I can see the nap time, to an extent. Mine never suffered from waiting an hour, or napping an hour early, however, hell hath no fury like an exhausted toddler.

This
Thank you.

In my experience this is normalish. We did go on holidays . But it is restrictive yes.

Naps are extremely important, for a child's sanity and their own parents! It can cause a host of issues!

UK holidays shouldn't necessarily be a problem! Toddler can easily sleep on a long journey.

About babysitting, it is very comforting knowing that your child is in good hands, that way the parent can have a good time, otherwise it is a pointless and expensive day out where no one has fun, not even the toddler. Children love routine, and if it isn't being met, their needs aren't being met, and it goes around in circles.

Life does become restricted with children, that's not a lie. Some prefer being more flexible than others.

If you have a second or third, particularly with an age gap the youngest has to fit in. Whilst you’re very much learning with you’re first a good deal of flexibility is possible, for most, if you want it.

Late nights do matter for us when we need to get DD to nursery (and us to work in time for meetings) on time. For us a late night means a late wake up and I don’t want to have to drag DD out of bed too early and tired to then struggle through the day at nursery - that just doesn’t seem fair to her. Maybe late nights don’t matter if you don’t work or your kids get up early anyway but that’s not the case for us.

Yes I was being a bit controversial but mainly referring to holidays

Our child would never sleep 7 to 7 and early bedtimes have never worked for them. They sleep until 7 if they go to sleep at 9.
We do have a routine, just a loose one. We try to accommodate others as much as possible within reason.

I believe early socialisation is key, and like other posters made sure to welcome guests / be out and about from birth. It's not a fullproof recipe of course.
But I think it's also silly to suggest it makes no impact at all. Efforts to create certain habits do generally pay off at least in part.

Nap time is amazing. It gives you the energy and motivation to get out and about and be present for the things babies and toddlers like to do, as you have the knowledge that you will get the time each day. It’s like having a lunch break !

I’m not a routine based person but it was worth it with all DC.

Depends on both the parents and the kids. It doesn’t have to be so rigid, as plenty of cultures don’t have that level if rigidity with babies and kids. People do what works for them, basically and whatever makes life less stressful.

@Kjpt140v wise move to say nothing re your son (or his wife/partner, on whom the burden of the wheel falling off the chariot will inevitably fall more heavily, if routines aren’t observed).

Had either of my (supremely uninvolved) parents or in-laws had made any comment about how we chose to do things re naps and sleeping, they’d have got really short shrift, I can tell you.

It wasn't about fear it is, as you say, about place/interference. But the most important thing is that my son and wife know, we are here for them. Happily, they do speak to us when they need advice.