Is it really like this having a child?

[Handsomesquidward]

A friend of mine has a toddler now and since he's been born, she won't even leave the local village without months of planning in advance because the entire day revolves around his nap at the exact time.
Zero spontaneity anymore, they have decided not to go abroad for the next few years either.
Everything planned very meticulously, they will only have a night out once every 5 months or something as they will only trust their parents to babysit.

I don't have children and this method obviously works for her, it just feels so restrictive. I cannot imagine living life that way, surely this isn't how it has to be?

Of course it doesn’t have to be like that!

Because dh was working in a country with very dubious medical care at the time, I returned to the U.K. to have dd1 - and returned with her (8 hour flight) at 6 weeks. Then 3 months later did the same flight back to the U.K. for the summer - never an issue at all.

When she was 3 we had a brilliant beach holiday - another 8 hour flight away - with her, and 3 month old dd2. Again, absolutely zero problems.

Some parents just make massive issues for themselves. Please don’t let them influence you!

Not like that for me. My kid hated the cot/crib but loved a pram nap.

my kid had been out of the country multiple times by the time she was 1.

Depends on the child. I had lofty plans for being a cool relaxed parent who would take their baby backpacking across the world but DS had different plans! (He is autistic and our social lives now revolve around what he will and won't cooperate with)

Regardless of SEN - unless you've gone through the stress and crushing sleep deprivation of parenthood I'd hold off on the judgements. I remember looking at my sister-in-law wondering why she couldn't relax for just one night and let her hair down with her kids with a babysitter (one also had yet-to-be diagnosed SEN), but now I realise how dumb it was that I thought I was informed enough to have a view on her behaviour.

No, it doesn't have to be like this. But everyone parents in a different way and individual children can have very different needs.

Wasn't like that for me which i am grateful for, she'd nap in her pushchair/the car when little.
She's really adaptable and has been on multiple holidays short and long haul, thankfully can adjust to time changes and can tolerate late nights and early wake ups.
They are all different though.

I do see some parents actively working against their child's natural personality type. I know some toddlers who's behaviour is atrocious and it's because parents are trying to be too relaxed and easy going when their child is clearly thriving a more set routine and is over exhausted. Everyone ends up miserable.

This and it can go the other way too. My friend had a dc who genuinely seemed to need less sleep etc. She was forever desperately trying to force him into 2 hours in the cot after lunch every day and he was having none of it. You have to parent the kid you have, even if they aren't the type that would suit you.

I never planned naps, right from the start, they slept or woke wherever we were. I had a big proper pram and they usually slept in there during the day. If I was out and about on foot then they could still sleep in the pram, if we went out in the car then they slept either in the car or in the buggy. By 18 months they had both pretty much given up daytime sleeping other than the occasional doze on the sofa.

not going abroad though, don’t understand that one! Why wouldnt you?!

Because it's same shit, different place. You're dealing with a cranky baby while without many of the things (toys, playgroups, friends, familiar surroundings, your own bloody bedroom) that make your lives work at home, and frankly the baby really doesn't care that you're in Spain and not Dunstable. As a consequence, it often isn't fun at all and much harder work than just being at home.

Honestly, I'd say don't judge how she lives her life with children when you have no idea what it's like to live with children.

Some parents just make massive issues for themselves. Please don’t let them influence you!

This is the type of person you should avoid being

Depends on the child really and the parent

It can be like that, although a bit extreme not leaving the village

Particularly if you breastfeed it can be hard to leave your child I've found. My daughter is 3 and only not would I feel comfortable leaving her overnight

Absolutely agree. It's not the same as letting them rule your life like little lords. It's about parenting the child you have.

Everyone telling OP that her friend is unreasonable and she shouldn't be like her if she has children herself one day, I can guarantee they just happen to have children with a personality type that is different to OP's friend.

As I say, we're all biased to our own experiences in life.

It all depends on the child really. I've had 3 and they are all so different. One of them napped religiously and if they didn't get a nap would be a disaster at night. In this instance, Why should I sacrifice my own sleep at night to accommodate someone who can come and go as they please and can nap all day/night with no responsibilities? For her I tried to have naps at home so she could get her full 2 hours. For others we did buggy naps.

Re travelling we did long haul with first dd when she was 1 and 4 months, it was ok but hard when she was out of routine. Then when dd2 was 7 months and dd1 was 2 we went on a sun holiday. It was really tough, with all of the stuff we had to bring, buggies, car seats, sterilisers etc. It was stressful. I said I wouldn't do it again until they were older so we didn't go abroad again until dd3 was 3 and others were 6 and 8. That was much easier. No naps by then and just one stroller type buggy.

Your friend is just trying to make her life as easy as possible for the first few years. Don't judge her. Her life has changed overnight it can be difficult.

I've only had one but nap time was important to us because it had a knock on effect to bedtime and the nights, it would also effect DD's mood.

She wasn't the kind of kid that napped on the go, so I did feel tied to the house

Every child is so different. I had a lot of pre conceived ideas before I had mine!

DC1 (2) needs a nap schedule or he will not sleep that night - and I am exhausted already.

I fought that so much at the start - determined to be one of those parents who could easily travel and baby sleep anywhere and be so calm. That's not the child I was given and life has been easier since I realized that and stopped trying to force him into the life I imagined.

Yes it would be amazing and lovely to be able to say perfect, let's go to the Zoo today! But when nap is around 12-1.30, then lunch, I need to plan the zoo for either first thing depending when it opens or after nap.

If others don't want to be flexible to that, that's ok. My priority is my family.

Lots of first-time parents are essentially controlled by sleep apps and parenting advice that gives strict schedules and promises that your life is as easy as it can possibly be thanks to the schedule.

It takes a second child to relax a bit, in many cases, and see that it's a bit bs.

We travelled constantly with our children when they were little. We have 3, and they were all flexible about their sleeping- used to fitting in with our way of life. Our first child flew at 2 weeks, was changing time zones and countries from then on. We ar musicians, and all our kids went along to evening concerts and slept on the go. A routine would not have worked for us, and we didn't have one when they were little. I exclusively breast fed and we always slept with our babies until they decided to move out; I don't think the travelling would have worked without that.

I think these things are up to family and societal expectations. Small children adapt to what they are used to.

It definitely doesn't have to be like that but all children and all parents are different.
We have a routine for during the week, for bedtimes/school/nursery etc I also only trust parents/immediately family to babysit and we've done it very rarely.
However life is for living and as a family we're very much of the "let's go and have adventures" mindset, we're lucky (or maybe part luck/part parenting) to have super flexible kids who we love having holidays and trips with, DS6 and DD3 have been to Majorca, Menorca, Salou, Belgium, Holland, France x 4, Portugal, Florida this year and we have weekends away very regularly too - most months we go somewhere. An 8-hr drive is standard to us, as is staying up until midnight to watch fireworks or driving to a beach for sunset! They'd have missed out on so many amazing experiences if we hadn't been flexible.

Or you would have missed out on so many amazing experiences if they got travel sick, or couldn't cope with the odd late night, or didn't enjoy being away and slept poorly in a hotel making them cranky the next day etc etc etc.

this.
The key is to work out how you want your life to be and to accept whatever the consequences of that are.
First time parents believe there is somewhere out there a 'correct' way of doing things.
Thank goodness there isn't!

Wish I had read this thread 6 years ago!

It depends both on the parents and the child.

But don’t judge someone who does have this routine because it might be absolutely sanity preserving for them, and it’s not for long.

The only thing I would criticise is anyone who thinks their child’s routine trumps that of other people’s children, as we came across quite a few of these when I had Dd little.

Well it varies. Mine is 19m. For sure your life revolves around them and it's easier to just change what you do instead of forcing them to fit into your life and refuse to change it. That would be much harder work. It's really hard when friends act like you are being daft or stop inviting you to stuff though. Makes the gap wider and means I end up spending more time with my new Mum friends instead.

It's not fair on him to disrupt his nap, depending on the age they can just be really unhappy if they don't nap properly, and when they are unhappy it's hard to think about anything else. I can definitely go to town though and have been abroad. I don't leave mine with anyone, he doesn't know them and would be upset. I've left him with his Father at bedtime only twice because he needs me more at night and is upset if he wakes up and I'm not there.

For some people it is. My friend always made fun at mums that "made kids their whole personality". We had her and her partner for dinner recently and OMG the boredom, my husband and I just kept looking at each other, because it was so awkward. Their baby is 1 already but they put him for bed at 6:30pm, this meant they were only at ours for about 2 hours, and left as it was late bed for the baby, it was all very sudden too. We had literally zero chat, it was all spent on them at awe of what the baby was doing, playing with his toys, cruising from one sofa to the other, and doing some cute things but obviously not as exciting or interesting for us, I felt terrible feeling this way but it felt they just came, ate showed their baby off and left, it wasn't really a good night for us. I get that is cute when you have babies that age, but as I said, no engagement or conversation apart from looking at what the baby was doing. We used to have so many fun dinner parties and now it was just so boring 🤣

People used to snark at me a bit for having my child in bed the same time every night, but she's now 6 and goes to bed and to sleep 7 on the dot every night while some of them are struggling every night as the kids don't have a routine. For me a routine works, even on holidays I stick to it. Happy me happy child but it's up to everyone how they do it and how it works for them.