To feel so sad at how busy my step-daughters life is

[Justgivetea]

Hi,

Some context, my step-daughter is 10, she's in Y6. Her mum passed away when she was 6, I've been in her life for 2 years now. I have a son of my own who is 11.

My SD is a darling of a girl, she's smart and hardworking and never seems to cause an issue. Her dad (my partner) claims his parenting method is "high expectation, high reward". But honestly the poor girl never stops!!
She attends a private prep school, dropped off to breakfast club at 7.30, picked up by her grandma at 3.45. Then a club every night of the week, 2 days tennis, 2 days ballet, 1 day piano. No weekday play dates, just school, homework, dinner and clubs.
On Saturday she attends a Saturday school (her dad is French), 8.30-1. This is basically just French classes as far as I know. Then picked up packed lunch in the car, straight to tennis for 1-2 hours.
Sunday she doesn't have any official hobbies planned in but this is the only day she can do play dates/go to parties, ride her bike round the park - you know - be a child.
This summer she will finish school on Friday the 5th of July (prep schools and ridiculously early finishes). Go to Wimbledon with her dad on the Saturday (so long day). Fly to France as an unaccompanied minor with a chaperone on the Sunday morning, be picked up by some coach from a tennis school, spend two weeks there, playing tennis for several hours a day for 6 days. Then at the end will be picked up by her French grandparents, spend a week with them, go on holiday with her dad for two weeks (and my son and I this year), back to the UK to spend a week with her mums parents, then oh yes back to France for two more weeks of tennis! She will get back on the Sunday and have one day left before it's her first day at senior school!
She never grumbles about any of it and she does enjoy tennis (she did 2, 1 week camps last year) but when she got back all her dad could tell me was she seemed tired - so obviously that means the next year you book double right?!
I feel so sad for her, summer holidays should be play dates with friends, paddling pool in the garden, bike to the park etc. I feel she has no childhood and it seems exhausting.

We agreed not to comment on the others parenting but I find it so hard to seem this little girl be dragged around to all these activities all the time. I often wonder if the reason she never misbehaves is because she always too tired to! And if her room is never messy as she is never allowed to be in it!!

AIBU to think this is a really sad childhood?

Absolutely. The minority language parent (in this case, French) has to work extra hard to reinforce the language. The OP has had 2 years in which to learn some French, and maybe teach her own child some. What a gift that could have been.

I made sure I learned my DH language from scratch as quickly as I could.

Yep, me too. And there were far fewer resources available for his language than there are for French, which really isn't difficult for a native English speaker to learn.

This thread has made me look into residential sports camps in Europe for when my daughter is older 😂 she also speaks a second language so could be good immersion.

To be honest, I think it sounds great. She's getting great experience and the ability to be independent. Way better than sitting around with friends looking at their phones. I'm sure it would show if she were unhappy. It might slow down a bit when she's working towards GCSEs but it sounds like she's getting a great start in life, experiencing things many don't.

I mean - it sounds a lot like my kids lives (they are in private prep too and they do so much after school clubs etc) weekends are spent doing football rugby and drama, and my parents live in another continent so they spend time there too. I always tell them to tell me when they don’t want to do something - and my daughter did say she didn’t enjoy piano lessons so so stopped immediately. I follow their lead on stuff like this. If I let him - my son would play football all hours of the day god gives him 🤣

I personally find it odd and very rude that they speak French around you and the grandparents that speak/understand French. Absolutely when they’re alone at home but not in your company! Very rude!

Actually, it's really normal in bi-lingual families with relatives who don't speak much of one or other language @T1Dmama I have bi-lingual family across Europe & two European languages. We have conversations half English, half other language. I speak English, they speak their language/s &plusEnglish with me. My French & German are better than the average English person's so I follow conversations.

It's an amazing gift for a child to grow up bi-lingual in this way.

It doesn't help that the OP hasn't bothered to learn any French. She doesn't seem to appreciate the huge advantage her boyfriend's daughter has in being bi-lingual - calling her basically a French child being brought up in England - as if there's soething wrong with that! It sounds a bit narrow-minded.

Just out of interest - the tennis summer camp your step-daughter is going to is not the Moratogulu academy is it? 😂That's the one my daughter dreams of attending.

It's not rude for a father and daughter to speak their first language together in the presence of people who don't speak that language - rude is to assume that father and daughter should accommodate the feelings of people outside their father-daughter relationship which is language and culture dependent.

Dh works in a prestigious state school, and says all the most successful kids do this.

It seems to set them up well for life.

I can’t imagine she will enjoy spending her Saturday going to a different school once she is in secondary 🤦🏻‍♀️ I was going to a Saturday language school as a teenager and I absolutely hated it

Who knew men could be such good parents?!

in other words, YABU.

If you've chosen not to comment on the others approach to parenting, why are you almost outing them here?

I work for Oxford university so I see the results of childhoods like this. Sometimes it works out well, but quite often it ends with a chronic over-achiever who either crashes and burns under the strain of parental expectations, or goes completely off the rails at the first taste of freedom.

Or sometimes it's a mix of a bit of all those @Tessiebear2023 - like most 18 year olds tasting the freedom of living away from the parental home! It doesn't need to be catastrophic.

Shock horror, some kids love school. To be given these sorts of opportunities is a chance most kids don't get and this girl seems to be enjoying herself. She is half French and spends time with both lots of grandparents so would obviously speak French with those. Amazingly some kids really want to learn and to be able to do this in at least two different languages gives her a huge advantage for later life when she is looking for a job. A friend's granddaughter speaks Spanish and is going to Peru for teaching opportunities. Interpreters can earn huge amounts of money, travel the world and have a fantastic life.

It sounds to me that the antis on this subject are basically jealous that they didn't get these sorts of chances when they were that age. She is a young girl living a lovely life and being supported by her father and both sets of grandparents.

She is not being forced to do these things at gunpoint, they are things in which she is interested and she is meeting a lot of kids her own age in a variety of situations, some of whom may become life-long friends. I would be far more concerned if she spent her time alone in her bedroom chatting to random strangers on the internet.

If more parents showed this sort of interest in their children instead of letting them run riot unsupervised we wouldn't be overrun by louts and troublemakers with no regard or respect for others.

So instead of criticising have a look at what you do for your own kids and how you can help them to have a better life.

You’re making a lot of assumptions about me (and many others) who commented negatively. The OP wanted to hear people’s opinions. Now you’re saying that everyone who disagrees with the OP’s husband’s parenting must be jealous, therefore their opinion is not valid and to basically mind their own business.

You, apparently, can't imagine she will enjoy going to French school on a Saturday because you didn't enjoy going to a language school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It would appear she does. She clearly has a good brain and wants to learn and experience different things. She has said she will probably drop ballet and she isn't being forced to stay, it is her decision. She enjoys tennis (nothing to do with her parents), but because he is a good father he is giving her the opportunity to do it. The fact that the summer tennis camp is in France and she will be seeing her French grandparents is a bonus.

If you're not jealous, then I certainly am. My parents weren't in the financial position to pay for me to do these sorts of things, although they would have if they could. We went on a week's skiing holiday in France in first year at secondary school - it cost £32 and we paid for it at £2/week. If he wants to adopt me as a spare Granny I would jump at the chance.

So don't criticise someone for doing a good job looking after his daughter just because you would do things differently. Ask your kids if they would like the same or similar opportunities to do things that they enjoy.

I made one single assumption based on my experience of having to give up my weekends to do extra schoolwork; you’ve chosen to see this as applying to everything else in this child‘s life including me apparently criticising the personality of her father, playing sports and spending her weekends in France. At the same time you’ve made assumptions about everyone else who disagrees with you.

I’m sorry that your parents couldn’t afford to send you to all of these activities, there are a lot of parents who can’t these days but it doesn’t mean their children are going to be troublemakers (as you said above).

The OP is happy with the situation, the daughter is happy with the situation, I have given my opinion, you have given yours, what more is there to argue about?

Lots of children have lifestyles like this, they usually do very well for themselves as they get use to adapting to different situations and following rules.

Is it definitely adult led behaviour?

My 7yo daughter's life is like this. She absolutely thrives on sports and activities. Sunday is our only clear day that we keep activity free. I've asked her to consider dropping activities and she's refused.

Right now she's in a quandary because she has made a competitive team in one sport and it's causing a schedule clash with another, and I've drawn a boundary and am refusing to let her do two hours of sport in an evening!

She's just really high drive and I just follow her lead. My son on the other hand has much less drive and prefers to be a bit of a homebody, and that's fine too.

I think at some point her activities need to calm down. Otherwise she’ll rebel or hate what she’s doing. But kids up to around Year 6 could easily waste their life as a couch potato watching TV and on the phone. Now is about the right time to monitor and calm down her activities as she’ll know by now what she wants to do. So many kids in the younger years do a lot because they chop and change activities as they work out what they like.

I think it sounds amazing too and would have loved this as a kid as I need my mind occupied but my parents did not seem to understand this.

My own daughter is also like this and is always busy and engaged with ice hockey, kendo, piano, drums etc….she helps plan her schedule and we have never pushed her. The only caveat is …if you start something you see it through until the end of a term but apart from that she can explore her passions.

We are moving to another country in a week or so and she has planned how to continue with her second language she learnt where we currently live and also engaging 100% in her new language.

There are some great camps in USA too. My daughter is doing space camp next summer, robotics, and we are using the week to have a holiday alone but staying near the camp. Win Win

Oh nice. How old is she? We have family in the US and could do something similar. (Stay close by)

She is 10 at Christmas.

The space camp does family camps too, if you fancy being an astronaut too for a week!