To feel so sad at how busy my step-daughters life is

[Justgivetea]

Hi,

Some context, my step-daughter is 10, she's in Y6. Her mum passed away when she was 6, I've been in her life for 2 years now. I have a son of my own who is 11.

My SD is a darling of a girl, she's smart and hardworking and never seems to cause an issue. Her dad (my partner) claims his parenting method is "high expectation, high reward". But honestly the poor girl never stops!!
She attends a private prep school, dropped off to breakfast club at 7.30, picked up by her grandma at 3.45. Then a club every night of the week, 2 days tennis, 2 days ballet, 1 day piano. No weekday play dates, just school, homework, dinner and clubs.
On Saturday she attends a Saturday school (her dad is French), 8.30-1. This is basically just French classes as far as I know. Then picked up packed lunch in the car, straight to tennis for 1-2 hours.
Sunday she doesn't have any official hobbies planned in but this is the only day she can do play dates/go to parties, ride her bike round the park - you know - be a child.
This summer she will finish school on Friday the 5th of July (prep schools and ridiculously early finishes). Go to Wimbledon with her dad on the Saturday (so long day). Fly to France as an unaccompanied minor with a chaperone on the Sunday morning, be picked up by some coach from a tennis school, spend two weeks there, playing tennis for several hours a day for 6 days. Then at the end will be picked up by her French grandparents, spend a week with them, go on holiday with her dad for two weeks (and my son and I this year), back to the UK to spend a week with her mums parents, then oh yes back to France for two more weeks of tennis! She will get back on the Sunday and have one day left before it's her first day at senior school!
She never grumbles about any of it and she does enjoy tennis (she did 2, 1 week camps last year) but when she got back all her dad could tell me was she seemed tired - so obviously that means the next year you book double right?!
I feel so sad for her, summer holidays should be play dates with friends, paddling pool in the garden, bike to the park etc. I feel she has no childhood and it seems exhausting.

We agreed not to comment on the others parenting but I find it so hard to seem this little girl be dragged around to all these activities all the time. I often wonder if the reason she never misbehaves is because she always too tired to! And if her room is never messy as she is never allowed to be in it!!

AIBU to think this is a really sad childhood?

The thing that strikes me is the lack of cuddle time.

I know some DC enjoy and want lots of activity and find it hard without a plan of lots of things to do. But IME even those DC benefit from coming home to a cuddle and a chat at the end of the day. The summer sounds like a series of staying with strangers and relatives who she sees relatively rarely.

Where’s the home base of love for her, and is she spending enough time there? Is she expected to permanently be on her best ‘guest’ behaviour? That’s a big ask for an adult all summer, let alone a child.

I also think she’s missing out on learning and doing boring but important things, like going to the dentist, the optician, to buy new school shoes, to the supermarket for ingredients for dinner etc

Week days her mums parents pick her up from school and take her to her clubs. They live with them during the week (then go back to their home in Hampshire for the weekend), on Saturday her dad takes her, though it's not unusual for me to take her to French school on the Saturday morning so he can have a lie in (I get my lie in the weekend my son is at his dads).

When asked what she wants to do when she is older she always says model or lawyer, I don't think I've ever heard her say she wants to be a tennis player!

All sounds a bit much but maybe she'll become a successful tennis player then write a memoir about her unhappy child hood

I don’t understand. Don’t you live with your DH?

No, we aren't married.
I stay at his every night I don't have my son (50/50 with his dad) and usually every other Friday with my son.

It sounds exhausting to me, though I do think it's important for children to go to clubs and activities and make friends out of school. Also it sounds like she is very close to both sides of her family, which is great. If she truly loves tennis, then that would be OK.

But at 10 she may not know what she really likes. In the next few years things could change a lot. I also think more time should be spent with her dad - it sounds like he wants to keep her busy to avoid spending time with her - I may be wrong, of course. Does she live with you, it isn't clear?

It's a difficult one. I don't think the holidays are as bas as you think. She's having downtime with her dad and family.
Having time with grandparents doesn't sound like a full programme every day.

Same with tennis camp, yes, they play tennis but surely there will be other fun things they do for a bit of downtime.

I think as long as she's happy, coping and keep up with school work the weekly activities are OK. I had a child that did 4x weekly training for a sport, plus weekend & holiday workshops most of the time. DC is a well balanced young adult, still doing the sport but not competitive.

My biggest worry about your post is the relationship your partner has with his daughter. From my phone screen it looks like keep her busy so I have minimal interaction with her... or he's just working very long hours?

Maybe she’s just a kid with high energy needs. My two are very different my eldest never slept much as a baby and trains 4x days a week in a sport at national level plus now has a part time job around college. She has very little down time but actively chooses to be like that. She’s very similar to both my brother who runs his own very successful business and grandmas who’s 80 but still teaches exercise classes! My youngest very different child only does 1 thing a week loads and loads of down time. Different folk personalities Need different levels of energy inputs. If she’s happy let her carry on, I’m sure her teenage hormones will kick in very soon and she’ll let you know if she’s not happy!

It wouldn't be for me, there doesn't seem to be enough time for them to just be - but then I'm sure others would say that and me and my DC.

I don't think he spends less time with her than many dads with full on jobs - the difference is that of course usually while the dad earns the money for the fancy school and fancy hobbies, the mum is working less or not at all and taking on the bulk of the parenting. It sounds like her maternal grandparents have taken on that role? Unconventional, but not bad in any way and great for her to have that connection to her mum.

I don't think her Monday-Friday during term sound unusual. The holidays wouldn't be for me, as I've said, but if it works for them then I wouldn't say anything.

I think the sad thing to me about the summer is for the whole 8 weeks she won't be at home once. No time to see friends or play in her room or sleep in her own bed!

He works relatively long hours 8-6 week days and 9 - 12.30 every other Saturday.

I’m in a couple of minds about this. I see what you mean about children needing downtime - one of my children would hate her schedule but the other may enjoy it.

On the other hand - it sounds as though she does some pretty nice things. I expect all the sport means she’ll be fit and healthy - this is quite a bonus when you enter your teens.

It’s tempting to think of childhood as a time of bike riding and den building but I spend far too much time kicking my children off their devices.

Does she have friends outside school through tennis? It may be that her life is not all that unusual. A friend’s child is an elite athlete and I couldn’t cope with their schedule (getting up at 4:30am to get to practice) but it’s the life he and his squad know.

I don't know, I think it sounds ok. When I was at school we were there until 430 every day anyway doing extra curriculars as part of the standard day so her going to a club every day after a standard finish isn't far different. I never remember feeling tired per se.

As long as she gets lots of love as well it sounds like a lovely, privileged upbringing.

YANBU

It sounds awful to me and very much like affluent neglect.

www.thesafeguardingcompany.com/resources/blog/affluent-neglect/

And this. Our 13 yr old now rows as a fairly high level and thinks nothing of being up and out by 0530 both days of the weekend during the season as well as either the gym or training every night of the week. We facilitate and encourage it because it is great discipline.

It's lacks balance.

@honeycarrots

My Son is 11 - he does Tae Kwon Do 2 times a week and guitar lessons once, that's plenty for him!

We've been together 2.5 years but I didn't meet his daughter for the first 7 months, so
2 years in her life.

It’s a tricky balance to achieve but overall I’d tend towards your husbands POV. Better a busy active teenager than a screen zombie arguing with pals on snap chat.

I start work at 8.30, it takes 45 minutes to get there. If I could I absolutely would but that's not possible.

The day to day childcare arrangements sound the best they could be, in the circumstances.

As for the clubs, my eldest was similar, without the international stuff, as we didn't have the funds. He was bored out of his mind jn the holidays.

So I'm in the, lucky girl, sounds fabulous, camp.

My kids wouldn't cope with that level of activity. They need down time and over scheduling leads to a massive deterioration in behaviour and happiness for them. They do a couple of activities a week and weekends are mostly unscheduled to do what we feel like. They are both achieving at school and ok with their life. I know other people are different though.

Some kids love doing loads of activities. The school my kids go to do loads of before and after school clubs, all free. When DD1 was in Y7 (so a little older than your SD) she was doing hours of 2 different sports before and after school. As she got older she dropped one but immediately started doing other sports 'for fun' instead, she likes being fit and physical activity. Until this term (GCSEs) she was doing activities before school every day. DD2 does less sport but lots of music (plays 2 instruments and sings) and drama and also chooses to do those activities every day. Both girls have made good friends through their activities. My DS (12) does less but still does swimming, football, scouts and choir. Better than staring at his computer all day.