To feel so sad at how busy my step-daughters life is

[Justgivetea]

Hi,

Some context, my step-daughter is 10, she's in Y6. Her mum passed away when she was 6, I've been in her life for 2 years now. I have a son of my own who is 11.

My SD is a darling of a girl, she's smart and hardworking and never seems to cause an issue. Her dad (my partner) claims his parenting method is "high expectation, high reward". But honestly the poor girl never stops!!
She attends a private prep school, dropped off to breakfast club at 7.30, picked up by her grandma at 3.45. Then a club every night of the week, 2 days tennis, 2 days ballet, 1 day piano. No weekday play dates, just school, homework, dinner and clubs.
On Saturday she attends a Saturday school (her dad is French), 8.30-1. This is basically just French classes as far as I know. Then picked up packed lunch in the car, straight to tennis for 1-2 hours.
Sunday she doesn't have any official hobbies planned in but this is the only day she can do play dates/go to parties, ride her bike round the park - you know - be a child.
This summer she will finish school on Friday the 5th of July (prep schools and ridiculously early finishes). Go to Wimbledon with her dad on the Saturday (so long day). Fly to France as an unaccompanied minor with a chaperone on the Sunday morning, be picked up by some coach from a tennis school, spend two weeks there, playing tennis for several hours a day for 6 days. Then at the end will be picked up by her French grandparents, spend a week with them, go on holiday with her dad for two weeks (and my son and I this year), back to the UK to spend a week with her mums parents, then oh yes back to France for two more weeks of tennis! She will get back on the Sunday and have one day left before it's her first day at senior school!
She never grumbles about any of it and she does enjoy tennis (she did 2, 1 week camps last year) but when she got back all her dad could tell me was she seemed tired - so obviously that means the next year you book double right?!
I feel so sad for her, summer holidays should be play dates with friends, paddling pool in the garden, bike to the park etc. I feel she has no childhood and it seems exhausting.

We agreed not to comment on the others parenting but I find it so hard to seem this little girl be dragged around to all these activities all the time. I often wonder if the reason she never misbehaves is because she always too tired to! And if her room is never messy as she is never allowed to be in it!!

AIBU to think this is a really sad childhood?

Oh yes, the "saut de classe" is such a social status marker. Very misguided in my opinion as the children that are forced to spend their childhood as the youngest in their class but also at the top of it often crash and burn at some point, sometimes with irrevocable consequences.

So her dad took her to Amsterdam during half term. Nice trip, great quality time with her parent.

Christmas she had 3 weeks off; one of which was spent skiing. How awful (sarcasm).

February she was skiing with her family, including her cousins.

And so on. This sounds great to me.

You on the other hand have divulged far too much personal and identifying info. C’est pas tes oignons!

I guess I can claim to be that French upper-middle class parent people are talking about (not French, living there though). Yes this sounds totally normal and average. Both DC have always had at least a couple of residential camps every summer. They love them. Yes their respective sports camps will have several hours of sports per day, but they will also have a ton of leisure activities and free time, kids have a ton of fun. Are camps in the UK different or why all the 'aww poor neglected child' comments? OP has said DSD very much enjoys tennis and wants to go.

God this thread illustrates perfectly how it’s the middle and upper classes decimating the environment. About 6 flights a year at least it seems.

Not that it has anything to do with this post, but OP hasn’t (thankfully) given out any info on where in France her boyfriend’s daughter travels to. They might go with Eurostar. Train travel in France is excellent and cheap. Lots of French also think nothing of driving to the Alps to ski (try buying a second hand car there; super high mileage).

We fly to DH’s home town. It would take days by car or train! Nothing to do with being middle or upper class. If we want DS to speak the language and connect with his paternal family, we need to travel.

It doesn't sound unusual to me. I'm from the EU, living in UK and my son went to private school here. That's how his life was as well and he's become a perfectly adapted ambitious adult. Private school days are long and in the summer, people go away. Nobody was around for playdates in the summer as they were travelling, just as we did

I live in the UK and there weren't residential camps when my children were at school. They certainly did a lot of sports stuff in the holidays though.

Oh yes, the "saut de classe" is such a social status marker. Very misguided in my opinion as the children that are forced to spend their childhood as the youngest in their class but also at the top of it often crash and burn at some point, sometimes with irrevocable consequences.

You could be describing my French cousins. They're all happy & highly successful adults - lovely people, with happy spouses and families.

So stop the doom-saying. Just because some posters have lower standards doesn't mean that people who approach raising children differently are wrong.

All of what the child is doing is going to stand her in good stead for the future and the fact that she says she enjoys it and looks forward to it is great. To be bi-lingual is a huge advantage and to be able to play a sport such as tennis (or golf) is also great in many social situations. Depending on what she wants to do with her life she is being given the educational and social skills and tools to do it.

When children get far more holidays than their parents, or in this case parent, what are people supposed to do? You can't leave the kids in a locked room while you work, so to have put so much effort into making sure she is safe and doing activities she enjoys shows what a caring father he is. Its sure as hell an improvement on British parents who are happy to go to the pub/club etc and leave their kids at home, alone with only the idiot box in the corner or god knows what on the internet for company.

Its a shame that all children don't get this sort of opportunity. Clearly life in continental Europe is different from that in the UK, but that doesn't make it wrong and of course the father has structured the time the girl has to make sure that she is in a safe environment with responsible adults when that adult can't be him.

So stop demonizing him, he had to step up when his wife died and it sounds as if he is doing a bloody good job.

The child is learning that her dad does not want to spend much time with their children.

Agree this situation is not that unusual in some rich families. The kids see very little of their parents.

I think the lack of time with her dad is an issue. Saturday night going out for tea and then cooking something on Sundays isn’t a lot really is it.

You're being unreasonable if the child is happy

That level of activity seems pretty normal to me - I have one son (12) at a very selective private school and he is at school 8am-4:30pm three times a week (but that includes prep / sports training) and 8-3pm twice a week. He is very driven with his sports and so chooses to train at his out of school sports 4 out of 5 evenings in the week one day at the weekend and the other day is often a match / competition / gala. He also loves playing outside and has plenty of down time scuffing round our farm with his brother, playing football or playing Lego etc. He tends to do that in between coming home and going back out to sports training. He doesn’t have friends round very often but sees friends almost every day out of school, at his training and they have a great time together. He also has his brother and they are very close. We don’t have to use wrap around care though, which is different to your partner’s daughter, and my sons school is only 10 minutes drive from our house luckily. A lot of his friends do less sports but might add in music lessons or other interests and clubs like scouts or cadets.

My youngest son is at primary school still but will attend the same school as his brother for secondary, and he is similarly motivated with sports (albeit different sports annoyingly!). Both of my boys have so many friends both in school and out of school, and spend no time at all on tech, which I love. I hope they carry on in the same way as they grow up. We are busy, but it’s driven by them, and so it feels right for us.

I think YABU especially as she enjoys it, does your DS do activities? Is it about comparing what DSD has the opportunity to do over what DS can do? My kids are pretty busy with clubs etc and they love it. They’d just be bored if they were at home all the time. They don’t do quite as much during the holidays as your DSD but I don’t work over school holidays so we do a lot of travelling. I remember my childhood and both my parents worked so I would go to my DM’s parents for one week, then my DF’s mums for another, then my DF’s dad for another before a two week holiday with my parents and then another week with my DM’s parents. It was fab a summer of adventures.

Hi OP :)

This is a busy schedule. Is it possible that Dad tries to overcompensate the absence of her mom? Certainly sounds like it…he is all in and she does as he pleases.

I wouldn’t rock the boat in something that allows them both to live life but I do certainly get you wanting to spend time with her… what about you gently put a week down for next year for her to be with you?

🌺🌺

I think she's fine for now. If she becomes tired of the activities, she will let dad know one way or another. When she does, make sure he listens. Otherwise, do not worry about her; she's fine.

You have a role. What's your relationship with your SD?

This post is a wind up. Why doesn’t your son indulge in such a wonderful life too

I agree it’s not a good balance of down time with all the activities, but if you have that agreement what can you say?!

It changes as they get older. Just enjoy it now but respect her decisions in the years to come to step back.

Essentially she is ten. Brilliant age for a girl before the hormones kick in next year. Then it can go any way, by thirteen she’ll be making her own decisions. So I hope you stay the course.
Your 50/50 parenting might be causing you more grief than you think. But we all have to deal with the hands we’re dealt. It's good you care and a calm confident supportive female presence in her life is invaluable. Sounds to me you are doing great by not interfering but observing and thinking. You’re good at sharing and compromising. Rare gifts.

I for one have found the French input very interesting!

I don’t think the school days sound long. Youngest DC is just in a small private day not particularly pushy school (i.e it is known for nurturing and more geared towards getting the most out of average students, rather than some hot house of academic or sports) and he did 8:30 to 5:15 in prep and does 8:30 to 5:45 in senior school including clubs which range from sports to engineering. Quite a few of the pupils do early morning swimming.
DC doesn’t, and gets plenty of chill time compared to class mates who are in rugby, swimming etc clubs at weekends.

One of the other mums has already suggested we send the two of them off to a tennis camp in Spain (and she is definitely not the pushy sort). I don’t think DC is ready for that. If DH or I were Spanish, we’d have most likely done it already!

I personally find it odd and very rude that they speak French around you and the grandparents that speak/understand French. Absolutely when they’re alone at home but not in your company! Very rude!

As for her activities… I would butt out of it and not mention it…. Non of your business and would likely cause a row.

It isn't rude for a parent that is bringing up their child bilingually to use the same language consistently. That is literally what you are advised to do.

Anyone who has a problem with that really shouldn't be in a relationship with someone whose first language isn't English.

As long as they both make an effort to interact with others around them, it really doesn't matter what language they speak to each other. If the OP feels excluded, she could always make the effort to learn French. Same with the grandparents.

This is just something that you have to accept in families that have multiple languages and cultures. It isn't something to be taken personally.