To feel so sad at how busy my step-daughters life is

[Justgivetea]

Hi,

Some context, my step-daughter is 10, she's in Y6. Her mum passed away when she was 6, I've been in her life for 2 years now. I have a son of my own who is 11.

My SD is a darling of a girl, she's smart and hardworking and never seems to cause an issue. Her dad (my partner) claims his parenting method is "high expectation, high reward". But honestly the poor girl never stops!!
She attends a private prep school, dropped off to breakfast club at 7.30, picked up by her grandma at 3.45. Then a club every night of the week, 2 days tennis, 2 days ballet, 1 day piano. No weekday play dates, just school, homework, dinner and clubs.
On Saturday she attends a Saturday school (her dad is French), 8.30-1. This is basically just French classes as far as I know. Then picked up packed lunch in the car, straight to tennis for 1-2 hours.
Sunday she doesn't have any official hobbies planned in but this is the only day she can do play dates/go to parties, ride her bike round the park - you know - be a child.
This summer she will finish school on Friday the 5th of July (prep schools and ridiculously early finishes). Go to Wimbledon with her dad on the Saturday (so long day). Fly to France as an unaccompanied minor with a chaperone on the Sunday morning, be picked up by some coach from a tennis school, spend two weeks there, playing tennis for several hours a day for 6 days. Then at the end will be picked up by her French grandparents, spend a week with them, go on holiday with her dad for two weeks (and my son and I this year), back to the UK to spend a week with her mums parents, then oh yes back to France for two more weeks of tennis! She will get back on the Sunday and have one day left before it's her first day at senior school!
She never grumbles about any of it and she does enjoy tennis (she did 2, 1 week camps last year) but when she got back all her dad could tell me was she seemed tired - so obviously that means the next year you book double right?!
I feel so sad for her, summer holidays should be play dates with friends, paddling pool in the garden, bike to the park etc. I feel she has no childhood and it seems exhausting.

We agreed not to comment on the others parenting but I find it so hard to seem this little girl be dragged around to all these activities all the time. I often wonder if the reason she never misbehaves is because she always too tired to! And if her room is never messy as she is never allowed to be in it!!

AIBU to think this is a really sad childhood?

From the OP's post:

summer holidays should be play dates with friends, paddling pool in the garden, bike to the park etc.

Lot of parents would sign their kids up for extra curriculum clubs, language classes, music classes and foreign camps if they could afford it! Few can on this level.

A lot of children would love it!

It doesn't sound like a sad child.
But a happy and very lucky child!

I grew up with a single mum, OP. I also spent holidays with grandparents but I didn't have the option of the sort of activities mentioned here, for financial reasons. I'm afraid a lot of the time I was dealing with sub-par childcare, then by 11 I was a latch-key kid, and then I went to boarding school on an assisted place at 14.

If she's a kid who enjoys these activities, she may be having a great life. And if she's genuinely talented at tennis, she might be learning something that will enable her to make friends and slot into a group of likeminded people at any stage of her life. I think her life sounds very different to that a kid with a stay at home mum would have, but that doesn't make it worse - just different - unless she's the type of child who longs for more down-time. Some genuinely thrive on that amount of structure and scheduling.

I do think it depends a lot on the child. Some kids have lives like this - it’s always amazed me but if they are OK with it or like it, maybe it’s fine.

I have two DC who have never got on well with organised activities and lessons. They’ve done the odd activity and had to go to holiday club sometimes when younger, but mainly like to hang out at home, do things with friends and teach themselves hobbies rather than do classes. That’s just who they are but it’s lucky that I wfh and have been able to manage it. Some kids just have to spend the summer at childcare or grandparents etc because there’s no other option.

However she’s 10 - she will get older and it would be better to work with her increasing need for independence and encourage her to do the things she likes but let her drop stuff if she really wants to. Eventually she’ll be self-sufficient and able to stay at home when school’s closed. As long as you DH is sensitive to what she wants and doesn’t make all this stuff compulsory as she gets older, I think it’s OK.

I think you slightly missed the point there - the fact that they go to an excellent university, marry a banker and then live a very comfortable life and send their children to private schools where they can either do likewise or use their opportunities for a career of their own is not a sign that their childhood was ill spent. It gave them exactly the background and skills they needed to make the choices they preferred. They would not necessarily have been in a position to make those same choices if they spent those early years playing in the street after school. The aim was never to send them to Wimbledon or the Royal Ballet. Likewise for boys you might say time spent playing rugby or cricket is totally wasted if they become a banker or lawyer, but you would be very much missing the point.

I grew up a little bit like your SD, except that I wasn’t in private school, and sports / music / art clubs in the country I was born in are free of charge once you pass an aptitude test. So I was at school every day until 4/5pm then in extracurriculars until 8/9pm most nights. Holidays were extended clubs or trips / tours with companies once I was old enough to be selected for my “hobby” at regional or national level. I did have 2-3 free weeks over the course of a 12-week summer holiday but the rest was packed with activities.

I loved it. I don’t struggle making friends as an adult but I do prefer my own company. My “hobby” became my full time career and nobody in my industry made it to a professional level without that full-time investment as a child. I won’t make my children do the same, but the option will be there should they choose to take it. Just like I was given a choice and supported through it.

I think it’s way too much but I went to a comprehensive school where us kids were let be by our parents and by the school (within reason) so it’s foreign to me but it does seems ‘normal’ from what I’ve seen on here for private school children.

As an aside. When I went to uni the private school kids noticeably lacked motivation and the ability to organise themselves. I wondered at the time if it was they were so used to being pushed that without it they didn’t have the skills to push themselves.

I say this as a pp mentioned it’s conductive to a hard working ambitious child but don’t think that’s necessarily the case.

I’m self motivated and ambitious as is my best friend and we were never organised this way. We found our way ourselves.

So I agree with you OP but obviously I’ve had a very different education experience so of course I would think that and if it works for some kids great.

Kids are different. If she’s happy, then she’s happy. I see many kids do this through to GCSEs, the cut down at A-Level. They can cope and it allows them to prepare for life really well with time management skills etc

I would say that's a fairly typical schedule for a private school child. If you are going to take advantage of all the wonderful opportunities then that is busy, and it can be tiring, but better that than up all night gaming or texting friends like some kids do. Main thing is she happy.

As for the summer, she will be on holiday with various family members for 4 weeks, plus three weeks of tennis training. (Personally I loathe tennis, and can't imagine anything worse, but I trust she's doing it because she enjoys it).

When DS was at school often went off on summer courses in music and once spent a week studying Ancient Greek - he had an absolute ball.

As long as he is listening to her and he schedule is set by her then all will be well. Has she had any grief counselling ?

Kids need down time to do what they want to. My child goes to school and does activities during the week, but also has several hours he can choose to do whatever he wants.

This reminds me of a local family I know. Every minute of the kids days is scheduled with a structured activity. Their behaviour is so bad as a result of never having time off. I spent some time with them once and even their toilet breaks were scheduled, the boy announced he needed to do a random poo and mum went into panic mode looking at her watch and thinking how they were going to schedule in the time for it, even though a loo was 50 metres away!

This is absolutely not what they are like and she is incredibly well behaved!

If she is well behaved and no complaints, then don't worry about it. She seems happy. It sounds like the father has planned well for her. It may sound full on, but some kids love this. For example, my older two love a full schedule of sports/activities every day. My youngest is not ready so only does once a week. When older I am sure she will want to increase her sports/activity load and I will follower her lead. Have you tried asking your dss? Maybe she likes it.

I’d have loved a schedule like this as a kid. There are so many things I wish I had done when I was younger and I’m only now doing as I hit 50.

But SD is spending time with friends, probably there will some pools as well, she's going to holiday camps and playing with her cousins. And she's happy to do all that, I really don't get the feeling she's a poor neglected child, sent away so dad doesn't have to deal with her.

Reading your updates it sounds like you genuinely care about DD and your posts were coming from that angle. Your partner also didn't respond in a defensive way or get upset so I suspect he understood that was where you were coming from as well. It all sounds good really

It's entirely normal French upper middle class parenting to fill children's days with school and organised extra-curriculars and to spend much of the holidays doing residential camps and staying with grandparents. Your partner is French and he parents à la française. You are English and have different ideas.

I actually think it really depends on her personality. I LOVE doing nothing. I LOVE daydreaming. I could stay inside in a room by myself for about a week before I'd get bored.

My brother and my DD on the other hand, HATE any days spent inside and are absolutely desperate to go out and play sports for hours everyday.

If your SDD enjoys it, fine. If she hates it, then it should stop.

I've taught lots of young people like this having worked at three private schools. I think it really depends on the child. Some thrive with that kind of busy lifestyle, others struggle. Some need more time to do their homework, more time to rest and more support and encouragement to socialise. Many also change as they get older, some wanting to prioritise increasingly complex social lives and drop their activities, whereas others are keen to take on more. Hormone changes, sometimes changes to mental health can all have an impact.

What's tricky is that siblings can be different with very different needs, and parents are keen to give them equal opportunities when one can be thriving and one can be struggling with burn out.

It sounds like the Dad is doing his best and making time each week for quality one to one time with his daughter, and that she has other supportive adults in her life. I think just because it isn't the way you would parent doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong.

My DD1 will love this. We can’t afford this but she loves all the extra curricular activities she does and sports so well that she’s always asking to go to a camp or the other relating to them. Last year, she had a music residential, she only knew 3 people from her school when she went but had made lots of friends by the time she left. She would like to go again this year. She thrives with structure and always wants to be on the go but we can’t match her energy really.

I don’t know where most of you live but over here, my child rarely has play dates because parents are so busy and every one has busy lives and I don’t see any child playing on the streets either so I can’t see what she’s missing out on. They meet at extra curricular activities and similar places. For a child in private school, the lives of her class mates will be similar as well so she might actually love this.

I'm so glad you spoke to your DP about it, but I must add that your partner speaking just french with his daughter even with others around is actually what is recommended for language development, OPOL (one parent one language). Please don't take that to heart, and the fact that he sends her to French school is brilliant for her language development and understanding of where she comes from on more than a superficial level. Especially as she seems to have great connections to family over there and is able to go to tennis camps there, and the fact that she also has "academic" French as opposite to only "conversational" French means her opportunities in the future regards to studying or having a career there will be much easier.

(I'm sorry it's a bit off topic.. it's something I am very passionate about as a teacher and a parent of a bilingual child).

You won’t see any of these traits in her now, kids seem to keep going. Then they hit GCSEs and the wheels come off, and they struggle to juggle everything reluctant to give up or compromise. The pressure becomes unbearable - they develop coping strategies that are toxic.
By the time the IB or A levels come around you might have a teen a shell of themselves. If you are lucky they will be well enough to go uni, and that’s where the problems really begin.

High fliers sink or swim.
You won’t know until it’s too late.

I am glad you have addressed this, you are not wrong to flag up your concerns.

I am concerned her life has become one huge engineered distraction to help her avoid the pain of her mother’s passing. I sincerely hope she has the best counselling money can buy - that will be the best investment for her well being.