To feel so sad at how busy my step-daughters life is

[Justgivetea]

Hi,

Some context, my step-daughter is 10, she's in Y6. Her mum passed away when she was 6, I've been in her life for 2 years now. I have a son of my own who is 11.

My SD is a darling of a girl, she's smart and hardworking and never seems to cause an issue. Her dad (my partner) claims his parenting method is "high expectation, high reward". But honestly the poor girl never stops!!
She attends a private prep school, dropped off to breakfast club at 7.30, picked up by her grandma at 3.45. Then a club every night of the week, 2 days tennis, 2 days ballet, 1 day piano. No weekday play dates, just school, homework, dinner and clubs.
On Saturday she attends a Saturday school (her dad is French), 8.30-1. This is basically just French classes as far as I know. Then picked up packed lunch in the car, straight to tennis for 1-2 hours.
Sunday she doesn't have any official hobbies planned in but this is the only day she can do play dates/go to parties, ride her bike round the park - you know - be a child.
This summer she will finish school on Friday the 5th of July (prep schools and ridiculously early finishes). Go to Wimbledon with her dad on the Saturday (so long day). Fly to France as an unaccompanied minor with a chaperone on the Sunday morning, be picked up by some coach from a tennis school, spend two weeks there, playing tennis for several hours a day for 6 days. Then at the end will be picked up by her French grandparents, spend a week with them, go on holiday with her dad for two weeks (and my son and I this year), back to the UK to spend a week with her mums parents, then oh yes back to France for two more weeks of tennis! She will get back on the Sunday and have one day left before it's her first day at senior school!
She never grumbles about any of it and she does enjoy tennis (she did 2, 1 week camps last year) but when she got back all her dad could tell me was she seemed tired - so obviously that means the next year you book double right?!
I feel so sad for her, summer holidays should be play dates with friends, paddling pool in the garden, bike to the park etc. I feel she has no childhood and it seems exhausting.

We agreed not to comment on the others parenting but I find it so hard to seem this little girl be dragged around to all these activities all the time. I often wonder if the reason she never misbehaves is because she always too tired to! And if her room is never messy as she is never allowed to be in it!!

AIBU to think this is a really sad childhood?

I wouldn’t worry too much. I used to know someone who was very keen that his daughter competed at a high level in swimming. She had early morning training most days, after school swimming , weekend meets. Until the day she said, aged about 14 “ I don’t want to do this anymore”. And turned into a teenage kid with wider interests than swimming,, but she had had an amazing experience, had had some fantastic trips and made some great friends and memories. If kids have had enough of something they will let their parents know.

^^ This.

French (upper-)middle-class parents have enormous expectations of their kids. On the plus side it means that they are mostly very polite. On the other it means you can spot the French kids on holiday from a mile away; they are the ones whose parents are telling them off for some microscopic transgression literally every minute. "Non mais arrête, ça suffit maintenant", 60 times an hour, 16 hours a day.

Anecdote: We lived in France for a while. We were friends with a couple, he was French, she was British. Their DS was officially a month too young to start école maternelle (at 3), but Dad knew some people and pulled some strings. His argument was that this would save DS a whole year that he could have available at age 18, which would help him get into prépa to go to a grande école which would fast-track his career. (There was no question in Dad's mind that this was what would happen.) Until we witnessed this I thought obsessing over catchment areas was bad.

It's difficult to know where you fit into your SD's life. If her father outsources all her extracurricular activities to the tennis coach, language teacher etc, when do you ever get time to see her. At her age and with such a relentless agenda she must hardly know who you are.

the benefit is that at least you can focus 100% of your attention on your DS.

I know you’ve spoken to him and been reassured but the summer is a bit 😢. I’d worry she will grow up with no sense of home - always being shuffled from here to there. I was a very busy child and I loved being busy but at least I was spending the night in my own bed for the most of the summer.

I think I’d just offer gentle support - pancakes on a Sunday morning. Someone to ask her how her week went. Introduce a blended family dinner once a week. Not much more you can do as it sounds like it’s just the situation.

On the other it means you can spot the French kids on holiday from a mile away; they are the ones whose parents are telling them off for some microscopic transgression literally every minute

ha ha. It’s suddenly fallen into place why my kids seemed semi-feral on holidays in the ile de re last year. 😂 We where the family that everyone “noticed” in restaurants and we usually blend in ok at home.

@mollyfolk I think I’d just offer gentle support - pancakes on a Sunday morning. Someone to ask her how her week went. Introduce a blended family dinner once a week. Not much more you can do as it sounds like it’s just the situation.

A bit patronising and rude about her father. Someone to ask her how her week went?! Did you miss that he takes her out to dinner every Saturday night? 1:1 - prioritising her, not his girlfriend and girlfriend’s child?

Oh and as well as the Saturday night dinner out, she makes dinner with her dad every Sunday. As well as him enjoying chats with her on the drives to activities. So I daresay he bothers to ask about her week then!

Honestly, I had nothing like as much 1:1 time with either of my parents, which I think most of my friends would say too.

Poor little lamb 🙁 I feel sorry for over-scheduled children. Surely part of childhood is having time to just be? Play around in the garden, just lying around being dreamy and even bored! I used to love lying on my bed reading and eating my pocket money sweets on a Saturday. And playing out with your friends for hours, riding bikes and messing about in the woods! It doesn't sound like she spends much time with her dad? And what about spending time all together as a family?

@Noseybookworm It doesn't sound like she spends much time with her dad? And what about spending time all together as a family?

She goes out for dinner with him every Saturday night. She makes dinner with him every Sunday. She also chats to him on the drives to her activities. What do you mean “as a family”? No disrespect to OP, who sounds lovely and has already said she got this wrong - after speaking to the dad - but she’s a girlfriend who stays over half the week when her own child is with their dad. This girl’s actual family is her dad, and her grandparents, one set of whom she lives with too! So lots of family time.

And OP has said that not long after she wrote this, the girl was lying around in front of the TV with a colouring book.

If you have kids, do they get a 1:1 meal out with you or h their dad every week?

Those of you saying the OP is jealous.

Jealous of what? Her partners wealth?

My children do 5 activities each per week. Not all of them are sports - and they don’t have a significant impact on our ability to spend time together as a family most evenings. Dance, a musical instrument, Scouts, Horse riding.

There is a balance. Even if your DSD is happy at the moment, I would wonder what her attachment to her dad is like.

It’s lovely she will see her mums side of the family over the holidays. I would worry that she might feel like she being passed around for childcare purposes.

Life is all about connection and relationships.

My dd's hobby is horses, she's eats, breaths and sleeps them, she'll go to pony camp for a few weeks in the summer holidays but even she needs a weeks downtime when she comes home. She admits it's tiring and sometimes she just needs to take her quilt downstairs and watch crap on telly for the day.

Your dsd's life sounds exhausting and there's a lot to be said about leaving your child to get 'bored' now and again with no structure to a day. It encourages imagination and self sufficiency.

How did you come to this conclusion? Even a trained psychologist will do a deeper investigation of OP's emotions before arriving to this conclusion.

People in UK have a habit of exaggerating problems in the country, putting down own people, which is a very unique trait British trait.

If people in Britain don't value hobbies or aspirations, how in summer Olympics Gb was 3rd country in medal table despite having lower population than many participating countries and was above France. Op's own son is not sitting home doing nothing, does Taekwondo and guitar lessons 3 times a week, why posters are commenting like op is suggesting girl to do nothing outside her school.

I think it's a terrible way for the poor kid to live. When I was a child (an only child btw) I always had something to occupy my time, but other than school and playing one sport summer and winter it was doing things of my own choosing. I would have hated to have lived such a regimented life. I spent a lot of my free time with friends, and my mother and I did things together, and summers were spent at the local swimming pool (not having lesssons, just having fun). When not busy I was probably reading.

I think it is better for children to have lots of unstructured time when they can entertain themselves, it helps their imaginations develop. Also, as others have mentioned they need time just to be "bored" and find something to occupy their time - it doesn't have to be something improving, just fun. We are adults for a long time, kids should be allowed to simply be kids.

I think it's just important to be intuitive and see what she's like. If she's happy doing these things, keep doing them. If she stops enjoying them, let her step back.

I do think it's good for young people to have at least one free day a week though, preferably weekend, to see friends/family/go on outings.

I was quite busy as a child, Guides/music groups/sports/volunteering etc, and now I absolutely thrive off doing nothing - so for those who said she will struggle spending time alone when older, that's not necessarily the case at all!

Her summer looks to be a well executed plan to keep her super busy and away from home, it’s far too much time living out of a suitcase. I agree with op she should be playing in the garden with her family and friends, decompressing, hatching butterflies and doing very little for at least a few weeks if not more. She sounds horrendously over scheduled, and will be exhausted at the end.

She has a week with one set of grandparents, 2 weeks with dad, then week with other grandparents. That's a full month with family. Quite likely some of it includes playing in the garden.

Being shuttled from one grandparent to another for weeks at a time all summer interspersed by tennis camps sounds really lonely and sad to me. I am sure she would prefer to be at home with her family. Has anyone asked her how she feels about this? I would hate that as a child, and felt homesick at my grandparents house (and I had a brother with me) There is a real sadness to this thread. Poor lamb.

This. This girl is not - yet - the OP's stepdaughter. She's her boyfriend's daughter, who she doesn't live with. I loathe the bandying around of these terms. My father remarried. His wife is not my stepmother; I am.not her stepdaughter.

I don't know what nationality the girl's mother was, but to all intents and purposes, she's French, albeit being raised in the UK. She's doing the usual activities and schedule that a French kid would. Her dad takes her out for a weekly 1:1 dinner; it sounds like he's doing his best.

Personally I'd be asking for the deletion of this post. Wouldn't take much to identify this family given the set-up. If I was the father and knew you'd posted so much info, I'd be furious.

It doesn’t sound too bad and if it works for your SD then I think it’s ok. When you list everything like a schedule it’s easy for it to sound more than it is.

just curious what do the other school
holidays look like? Does she get to lounge around at home all day then? As if it’s balanced I think it’s ok that summer is busy. Covering childcare in the summer holidays is hard with two parents so if camps need to be used so be it.

But half term has just been, what’s she been doing all week? What about October/February/Christmas holidays?

That's not my experience of horses. i never had a day off, not even when i broke bones. i lived for (and still do) my ponies. I never went on holiday or school trips as i refused to not ride twice a day every day, last thing i ever wanted was a break.

Stables, school, stables Mon - Fri, weekends was competing so 14-15 hour days. i never napped as a toddler (much to my parents annoyance) and i don't nap or need down time as an adult. Some of us weirdo's hate stopping for a second!

It's not normal and it's not average. This is what I mean...
You don't need to be doing something literally every minute of the day to have kids that are thriving. That is what I mean by warped on here.

Are you scared of being alone? Not even being alone, but not having anything to do? Our minds need it.

There's nothing wrong with doing extra activities and it helps kids to be social, yes, but they can't always handle the stress of a full schedule sometimes and parents are so worried they aren't doing enough. Two activities a week is fine especially if they're at school too. Some parents really are just ott and it's unnecessary.
Kids will remember when they're parents weren't around.

Their*

Hmm, I hadn't really thought about the other holidays but now I have - much of the same, busy busy busy.
This school year she went to Amsterdam with her dad for 3 nights in the October half term, A ski camp on the first week of the Christmas holidays (3 weeks off at her school), skiing with her aunt/cousins in France in February. She did a tennis competition and went to Denmark (their home country) with her maternal grandparents. This half term her French grandparents came over to visit.
Then we've already discussed the summer.
It does sound like a lot but he seems to have it sorted.
He doesn't really do long haul travel much which I think helps keep it less tiring and last summer she spent 6 weeks in France (2 with dad, 2 without and 2 at camp) which seemed more relaxed.

I am sure she would prefer to be at home with her family.
You mean her dad, as grandparents and cousins do not count and are apparently some horrible lonely places the poor child has to grudgingly endure? (not my or my DCs experience, but families are different).

He has 2 weeks off, he is spending those weeks with his daughter. I'm not really understanding what people think he should be doing here, quitting his job? Not everybody can take the entire summer and other school holidays off.