To feel so sad at how busy my step-daughters life is

[Justgivetea]

Hi,

Some context, my step-daughter is 10, she's in Y6. Her mum passed away when she was 6, I've been in her life for 2 years now. I have a son of my own who is 11.

My SD is a darling of a girl, she's smart and hardworking and never seems to cause an issue. Her dad (my partner) claims his parenting method is "high expectation, high reward". But honestly the poor girl never stops!!
She attends a private prep school, dropped off to breakfast club at 7.30, picked up by her grandma at 3.45. Then a club every night of the week, 2 days tennis, 2 days ballet, 1 day piano. No weekday play dates, just school, homework, dinner and clubs.
On Saturday she attends a Saturday school (her dad is French), 8.30-1. This is basically just French classes as far as I know. Then picked up packed lunch in the car, straight to tennis for 1-2 hours.
Sunday she doesn't have any official hobbies planned in but this is the only day she can do play dates/go to parties, ride her bike round the park - you know - be a child.
This summer she will finish school on Friday the 5th of July (prep schools and ridiculously early finishes). Go to Wimbledon with her dad on the Saturday (so long day). Fly to France as an unaccompanied minor with a chaperone on the Sunday morning, be picked up by some coach from a tennis school, spend two weeks there, playing tennis for several hours a day for 6 days. Then at the end will be picked up by her French grandparents, spend a week with them, go on holiday with her dad for two weeks (and my son and I this year), back to the UK to spend a week with her mums parents, then oh yes back to France for two more weeks of tennis! She will get back on the Sunday and have one day left before it's her first day at senior school!
She never grumbles about any of it and she does enjoy tennis (she did 2, 1 week camps last year) but when she got back all her dad could tell me was she seemed tired - so obviously that means the next year you book double right?!
I feel so sad for her, summer holidays should be play dates with friends, paddling pool in the garden, bike to the park etc. I feel she has no childhood and it seems exhausting.

We agreed not to comment on the others parenting but I find it so hard to seem this little girl be dragged around to all these activities all the time. I often wonder if the reason she never misbehaves is because she always too tired to! And if her room is never messy as she is never allowed to be in it!!

AIBU to think this is a really sad childhood?

I think she sounds like a typical private school child ,Also bright "top of the class" types at state schools . My Son adored all activities,and would have done something every night if he could .He still did 4 activities . We went out at WE with him as well.It does sound a packed schedule ,but if shes happy thats fine,Often these children will study hard, and have demanding careers as well when older ,Often hobbies on top.I would no worry and let them get on with it

My kids would hate this - they like lots of fun time around school (both love school). We like days out, days to be at home, cinema, garden days, meeting friends, walks, seeing family, duvet days.

I think 1 or 2 clubs a week is great for kids and mine enjoy holiday clubs when we’re working (we split as much annual leave as possible to be with our kids), but kids have such busy days at school, they need unstructured time to be themselves too. Kids need to get bored and figure out what to do for themselves.

This sounds pretty normal for French kids who have a special interest/talent in sport. It’s quite usual in France for sporty kids to go on residential camps or stages during the school holidays. During the week, my DS has school, homework, plus clubs twice a week (which he enjoys). There’s no time to see friends (they’re all busy with homework or clubs too).

Do you speak French, or are you learning? First thing I did when I met my EU husband was learn his language. The Saturday school is a thing for many kids who need to keep up their second language. Given that she lives in the UK, it’s vital that she keeps her French up; the majority of her day is spent in an English environnement. We spend our summers with DH family so that DS gets exposure to that language (we live in a different EU country so he has to deal with 3 languages). Am sure she has friends at both her clubs and Saturday school. Plus, she’s 10 …. getting a bit old for paddling pool in garden, no?

I don’t really think it’s your place to have a view on this.

YANBU

I think it’s amazing she has so many wonderful opportunities and they shouldn’t be removed completely but she should have time just being a kid.

When does she get decent 1-1 time with her dad?
Its almost like he’s keeping her as busy as possible, so he doesn’t have to do any actual parenting.

Kids need quality time with their parents and they also need time doing nothing and being bored, so that they can find ways to entertain themselves.
I think she may struggle in the future.

Ultimately, it’s up to her dad and none of us are perfect parents but I imagine there will be some resentment as she grows up.

I was the third of three children. It has always felt like, but the time they got to me, that they’d run out of steam - they did nothing to encourage me in school or with hobbies, etc.like they did with my siblings.

As such, I’ve never really felt good enough or found any kind of direction or passion in life.

It makes me really sad that I was pushed, challenged and given chances likes your SD is being given - so I guess there are different ways of looking at it.

As long as she’s happy with how things are, I feel like your SD is getting some fantastic opportunities that she will value for life.

My children attend a secondary private school and this sounds very similar to kids here, their evening and weekends are packed with activities and sports and they are super confident, resilient kids who have great friendships, I’m quite envious I didn’t get my kids into it, as all they do in their spare time is go on the tablets/phone! It might seem like hard work, but the girl will eventually grow up to appreciate the life and opportunities she had, the investment financially from her father, the effort in coordinating her activities, she’s so lucky. If her grandma is involved then she is obviously getting some nurturing from her too. I think she will be fine as long as you are there for her to talk to in case she needs you.

It would have been nice for her to be able to have play dates or chill at home some evenings but lots of parents working full time can’t facilitate this.

When she is a little older I would say most secondary school kids that are not kept busy either spend way too much time on screens or “hanging around” at the park etc with mates. No good comes of spending too much time doing either of these things.

If she is busy with activities she will be out of trouble and building wholesome friendships, keeping fit etc. Although her dad should listen if she starts to want to do other things with her time and try to reach a compromise.

This is not an unusual routine for many kids in foreign countries and sets them up very well for life from what I've seen tbh 🤷‍♀️

What are you doing for your son to develop his interests and talents?
This seems a bit uncalled for!!

I am with you OP; it is too much. I never understand this competitiveness and aim to be high achievers parenting. Some kids may thrive others may just get tired in their teens, depress, anxious. Quit everything.

I met a girl when I was a child that knew snd was pushed a lot, but by the time she was a teen she didn’t want to do anything

I met a lot of girls at uni who had lives like this. It was all a big waste because their plan was to find a future banker husband at uni, move to London after, and be a kept woman.

Such a sad waste of time, money and potential.

A kid who grows up just playing in the street after school and doing nothing else is on the same level as a kid who spends time at piano, ballet etc - both don't go anywhere and they're functionally meaningless and irrelevant either way. It's more for the parents than the kids.

I think it’s too much. She should have a couple of evenings off in the week, and only do one 2wk tennis camp in the Summer. It sounds miserable - and far too much. A school friend did similar, but for another sport. She was up at 5am every day to practise before school, was predicted to play for the county/country - but absolutely burnt out and began to hate the sport she loved. She refused to go anymore in her mid teens.

Children develop in all different ways, and an over-focus on sport and being busy is to the detriment of those other areas. More than that, in this case she’d be better off spending some time with her father. I’d be interested in the psychology behind what he’s doing. Perhaps he needs support/working through this?

Honestly, it sounds like her father has put a lot of thought into all the after-school and summer activities and this is his way of making sure his daughter has foundations for happiness:

1. physical activity and therefore confidence in her body
2. strong relationships with her grandparents in the UK and France
3. ability to speak French fluently to a high level, to be able to converse with her grandparents and the kids at the tennis camp, and have the option to live and work in France
4. exposure to a range of activities and therefore the ability to make friends outside school
5. a stepmother who cares

I agree, on the one hand the holidays sound wonderful with the French grandparents etc, and it is good to have some after school hobbies, but down time is also important and it seems so full on. As a child who was an introvert and loved my own company I can't imagine never being allowed to just "be"

Who mentioned "paddling pools", she said "in their pool" implying a proper swimming pool as I don't imagine a pair of grandparents have a paddling pool in their garden.

If people actually read what is written, and not what they think is written, there wouldn't be so much confusion and if people spoke to each other rather than guessing stuff life would be better for everyone.

Honestly some of the stuff on here is like chinese whispers. Its like the old joke of the line of soldiers when the order came of "send reinforcements we're going to advance", by the time it got to the end of the line it had become " send 3 and 4 pence, we're going to a dance".

I agree it's too much.

I think so much of it depends on the child.

I begged my parents to do more and more activities and also did school or hobbies on Saturdays until 4pm. I was out the house 11 hours a day.

I did have plenty of downtime in the holidays at home although I loved holiday clubs and would have quite often preferred to be hanging out with mates.

I'm an extrovert, didn't have siblings at home and was happiest around other people.

My own children however needs lots of time chilling at home and unstructured time running around outdoors.

My sad takeaway from this is your partner doesn't seem to want to spend any time with his daughter and is happy to go to extreme lengths to avoid contact or 121 parenting outside of an activity......

I'm assuming around the tennis, the holiday with you and the one with grandparents is the down time?

Also, I think you should have her dad more credit. Her maternal grandparents are still a huge part of her life. She gets to do activities she enjoys, she gets to go see her other grandparents in France. She has you and your son as an extended family. I think considering the hard times/trauma your partner has done very well in raising a very nice young lady.

Lots of kids don't have the option of staying home for 2 weeks on their own at that age as most parents work and need to use childcare. Don't assume privilege for everyone.

Clearly you haven't read the thread properly then.

He hardly sees her. Hardly. Sees. Her.

Sees her every day. Every day. After work. Like most people who work.

*Who mentioned "paddling pools", she said "in their pool" implying a proper swimming pool as I don't imagine a pair of grandparents have a paddling pool in their garden.

If people actually read what is written, and not what they think is written, there wouldn't be so much confusion and if people spoke to each other rather than guessing stuff life would be better for everyone.*

OP mentioned paddling pools.
”I feel so sad for her, summer holidays should be play dates with friends, paddling pool in the garden, bike to the park etc.”

So you haven't read the full thread then. As really unsure why that is the conclusion you have come to if you did.