To feel so sad at how busy my step-daughters life is

[Justgivetea]

Hi,

Some context, my step-daughter is 10, she's in Y6. Her mum passed away when she was 6, I've been in her life for 2 years now. I have a son of my own who is 11.

My SD is a darling of a girl, she's smart and hardworking and never seems to cause an issue. Her dad (my partner) claims his parenting method is "high expectation, high reward". But honestly the poor girl never stops!!
She attends a private prep school, dropped off to breakfast club at 7.30, picked up by her grandma at 3.45. Then a club every night of the week, 2 days tennis, 2 days ballet, 1 day piano. No weekday play dates, just school, homework, dinner and clubs.
On Saturday she attends a Saturday school (her dad is French), 8.30-1. This is basically just French classes as far as I know. Then picked up packed lunch in the car, straight to tennis for 1-2 hours.
Sunday she doesn't have any official hobbies planned in but this is the only day she can do play dates/go to parties, ride her bike round the park - you know - be a child.
This summer she will finish school on Friday the 5th of July (prep schools and ridiculously early finishes). Go to Wimbledon with her dad on the Saturday (so long day). Fly to France as an unaccompanied minor with a chaperone on the Sunday morning, be picked up by some coach from a tennis school, spend two weeks there, playing tennis for several hours a day for 6 days. Then at the end will be picked up by her French grandparents, spend a week with them, go on holiday with her dad for two weeks (and my son and I this year), back to the UK to spend a week with her mums parents, then oh yes back to France for two more weeks of tennis! She will get back on the Sunday and have one day left before it's her first day at senior school!
She never grumbles about any of it and she does enjoy tennis (she did 2, 1 week camps last year) but when she got back all her dad could tell me was she seemed tired - so obviously that means the next year you book double right?!
I feel so sad for her, summer holidays should be play dates with friends, paddling pool in the garden, bike to the park etc. I feel she has no childhood and it seems exhausting.

We agreed not to comment on the others parenting but I find it so hard to seem this little girl be dragged around to all these activities all the time. I often wonder if the reason she never misbehaves is because she always too tired to! And if her room is never messy as she is never allowed to be in it!!

AIBU to think this is a really sad childhood?

I really don’t think you need to feel sad for her. Perhaps you should feel a little sad for your own son, that he doesn’t have the opportunity to use precious childhood energy, time, a responsibility-free life and keen interests to learn and grow and pursue hobbies and learn independence and travel etc.

What a bitchy little comment. Hope your kids don't turn out as sour as their mother.

A song which was the anthem of my childhood (was raised in England but spent a month every summer in France, as my parents took long holidays and my father was French), "Les jolies colonies de vacances", comes to mind. Other posters are quite right, @Justgivetea, this has long been a normal kind of summer holiday for a lot of French children, if both parents are working and can't take longer than a fortnight off.

At that age I did ballet, swimming, brownies/guides and horse riding. I went to the local primary school (at end of road) and then secondary (opposite primary). I dropped ballet and guides but carried on riding and swimming. I was lucky that school was close and so friends were close too.

The best age to learn another language is "young" and the only way to stay fluent is to use it. Use it or lose it. I agree it is a bit rude to exclude other people by speaking a language they don't know, but then this could be a great opportunity for your son, in particular, and yourself, to a lesser extent, to learn another language. Your son will be doing languages from September so to get a head start would be a bonus. No learning is ever a waste of time.

If the girl is happy and content with what she is doing then it is great and much better than spending hours staring at a laptop/ipad/smart phone (delete as applicable) and having a second language of unintelligible grunts. It is also beneficial to spend time with her grandparents.

At least the Dad is making sure she is spending time with responsible adults and doing things she enjoys rather than being a latch key kid and left to her own devices running riot and hanging out with undesirables.

Remember he is being Mum and Dad to a daughter so it is unsurprising he puts a lot of effort into making sure she safe and happy.

Oh for gods sake its a turn of phrase. I like my idea of hell is housework, but I havent got 'serious problems'. People have preferences and no preferences. Just because someone doesnt like something or doing something it doesnt mean they have a 'problem' or need help. Stop pathologising things.

Okay, a few thoughts.

One, I don’t think it’s healthy in a relationship to have topics you aren’t allowed to talk about. I couldn’t live that way, personally. This is how problems grow and fester until finally someone reaches the last straw and there’s a big explosive argument.

Two, I think some people here are arguing with a false dichotomy. “Well, it’s better than just staring at a screen all summer!” Maybe so, but those aren’t the only choices. I think balance is important.

Three, I went to a private school (albeit in the US), and while this may be culturally typical, that doesn’t mean it’s healthy. I knew a lot of girls who were this heavily scheduled, and they didn’t seem to know what to do with themselves in “unscripted” situations. They weren’t good at just casual, low-key interaction with other people, and a lot of them were perfectionists to a degree that was frankly kind of sad to see in kids.

The tennis sounds very intense, and I’d be concerned about what might happen when she goes through puberty and her body isn’t the same as she’s been used to. Is it a situation where she’s going to start worrying about her weight?

Four, I think it’s a positive thing that her dad wants her to be fluent in French. I’m not bilingual, so I don’t know if the classes are necessary, but I wouldn’t dismiss the upsides of knowing two languages.

Five, I think kids need time to just lounge around, let their minds wander, and figure out how to entertain themselves. It helps them be creative, it gives them time to think about whatever rises to the surface of their minds, and it teaches them how to be satisfied with being alone sometimes.

I’m not sure you and your partner are going to make it in the long run, but I think you definitely won’t if you feel like you need to constantly censor yourself when it comes to his daughter. I don’t think you should “confront” him or anything, but I’d tell him that it isn’t working out for you to feel as though you’re not allowed to ever comment on how he raises his daughter.

It sounds like she has loads of opportunities, does fun things with her time and she says she enjoys it. From an outside perspective it sounds like she doesn’t see her dad that much - sounds like max 1 hour a day if that? And he wants to other people to have the responsibility of doing things for her, even down to you packing her bag. I’d be surprised if she doesn’t feel a bit worn out, but better than being bored and playing on her phone/tablet all weekend and all summer

I do think a lot of the attitudes on this thead, which are often on this site overall, are contributing to how this country is up shit creek. No one has aspirations, little work ethic, sitting around and doing nothing is highly valued. Kids sitting in their bedrooms having 'time out' for hours on end is normalised. LIttle recognition that humans need to have purpose, be busy, be upskilled.

No wonder we have a huge issue with children's MH and obesity.

I agree the summer holiday is the main part where I would strongly prefer more pure downtime. I’d also insist if she were mine that her dad see her more!!
but the activity level is ok-we don’t have the clear level of privilege she does so spend our weekend free time tidying and doing washing and trying to get the kids to help, so ‘downtime’ is not all ‘downtime’. He does piano Monday after school, tennis before school tues,goes to wrap around care Wednesday followed by footy training, Thursday afternoon with his grandparents, Friday morning basketball training, wrap around care after school, Saturday morning basketball and swimming and Sunday football. He’d hate to drop anything and his friends all do the same amount of stuff I’d say. They definitely manage downtime, there are plenty of parties!

That’s be like suggesting we stop teaching English in year 6 because our children are fluent speakers.

I think we need balance. Creativity comes from downtime when the mind is allowed to wander. Over scheduling robs creativity and time to think. Having said that, computer screens are robbing our children too.

" I like my idea of hell is housework"

Well, yes, that's true for many people because it's boring, constant and often thankless.
Not being able to relax without some activity is something else.

My children do loads of activities. They are activities that they enjoy. Ever year when new terms start I ask do they want to give up anything (and save me money!). They never do.
You talk about missing out on playdates but a huge part of these activities is the social aspect. She seems like a really happy child.

You seem concerned that somehow not mentioning she wants to be a tennis player in the future is some indication of something or other. Can she not just do an activity for fun because she enjoys it? My kids do all sorts of activities that will not become their job. I've a couple of hobbies myself that are just that, hobbies.

I think if she seems happy, if she's happy to go to these activities etc then that's all that matters. As she gets older and school becomes more intense, or teenage friendships/relationships take over she might decide to drop an activity or two, but for now it seems like she's happy.

I do tend to agree with you on this and find some of the weird attitudes on here quite bizarre!

I think there is a happy medium between doing nothing and being over scheduled.

Kids need some unstructured time where they make their own fun/ decide what to do for themselves. If they don't have this, and every waking hour is organised for them, they'll struggle to make decisions or negotiate unstructured time when they are an adult. They need to develop their own engine and decide, for themselves, what to put their energies into.

Not just teaching English but to also stop all other classes taught in English.

"you´re already fluent in English? Wonderful, no need for any additional classes taught in English. Advanced vocabulary, essay writing, reading comprehension, literature? That´s already covered by being fluent and speaking English at home! Let´s just teach all classes in [Spanish, Chinese, French...]."

My DD spent summers pottering around in my parent's garden making mud pies, country walks, visiting farms, making cakes etc, or we'd hire somewhere on the coast and explore. Maybe one week of holiday was an activity, but that would have been art or drama, nothing very high pressure.
I guess its all good exercise until you dsd is old enough to say no!
It would be nice if she could do something active with her dad one on one, like camping or kayaking?

I dont see any evidence that this childs life isnt balanced, she isnt being hothoused, she has down time.

And as a complete tangent, in terms of creativity, some of our greatest inventions in history came at a time when it was common for people to start work and being an adult when they were very young (industrial revolution), being creative isnt restricted to having downtime, its about being busy, having great knowledge and depth about the world around you, being exposed to lots of things which creates interest, curiousity about the world and yourself. You cant get a better way to achieve that than being physically and emotionally busy

Is it an extreme view? I have bipolar II - very controlled with medication and therapy. Being busy and active is part of a strategy to control my MH for me. Time to sit and spiral into my own thoughts could be fatal. Literally. So yes, not being busy and active is my idea of hell. The poster who shared these thoughts might well be similar! My DH has anxiety and has had episodes of depression - before we met he would spend his non-working time being very idle, drinking too much, endless scrolling and TV boxsets. He has fully embraced a busy, active lifestyle and hasn’t had a depressive episode in 5 years; his anxiety is also under control. It works for many!

you do realise that we can actually do... both?

You can have activities AND find the time to chat, and to have diner together, and to go away together...

Who realistically spends hours 7 days a week chatting laying around on their bed? Really?

Well you are completely proving my point, aren't you?

Also to add that it is very normal for a parent of another language to want their children to share that language.
A second language is such a wonderful advantage in life.
The parents that I know sent children to family every year for multiple weeks and their children sailed through language exams as a result.
Families with children that do team sports have next to no down time as they are completely at the mercy of match schedules, often driving for hours to a venue saturdays and Sundays.
Very normal for many families.

Is your point that you have to be mentally ill to enjoy being busy? 😂

Not really. That was me by the way.

I am not sick, I am not elderly, I truly can't stand "pottering around". I am saying everyone must feel the same, but I am not feeling sad for a kid with a normal busy schedule either. Sounds pretty normal and healthy to me.

There's plenty of downtime in a day, kids already spend hours in a classroom, learning new things and exercising is healthy?

Not to enjoy being busy, but to not be able to relax at home without an activity suggests a problem imo. You are an extreme example I suppose.

This.
Be happy that your poor darling SD didn't grow up in a Communist country.
Some of my childhood friends are not here anymore, due to "unaliving" themselves.
Generation of 45+, if it helps.