To feel so sad at how busy my step-daughters life is

[Justgivetea]

Hi,

Some context, my step-daughter is 10, she's in Y6. Her mum passed away when she was 6, I've been in her life for 2 years now. I have a son of my own who is 11.

My SD is a darling of a girl, she's smart and hardworking and never seems to cause an issue. Her dad (my partner) claims his parenting method is "high expectation, high reward". But honestly the poor girl never stops!!
She attends a private prep school, dropped off to breakfast club at 7.30, picked up by her grandma at 3.45. Then a club every night of the week, 2 days tennis, 2 days ballet, 1 day piano. No weekday play dates, just school, homework, dinner and clubs.
On Saturday she attends a Saturday school (her dad is French), 8.30-1. This is basically just French classes as far as I know. Then picked up packed lunch in the car, straight to tennis for 1-2 hours.
Sunday she doesn't have any official hobbies planned in but this is the only day she can do play dates/go to parties, ride her bike round the park - you know - be a child.
This summer she will finish school on Friday the 5th of July (prep schools and ridiculously early finishes). Go to Wimbledon with her dad on the Saturday (so long day). Fly to France as an unaccompanied minor with a chaperone on the Sunday morning, be picked up by some coach from a tennis school, spend two weeks there, playing tennis for several hours a day for 6 days. Then at the end will be picked up by her French grandparents, spend a week with them, go on holiday with her dad for two weeks (and my son and I this year), back to the UK to spend a week with her mums parents, then oh yes back to France for two more weeks of tennis! She will get back on the Sunday and have one day left before it's her first day at senior school!
She never grumbles about any of it and she does enjoy tennis (she did 2, 1 week camps last year) but when she got back all her dad could tell me was she seemed tired - so obviously that means the next year you book double right?!
I feel so sad for her, summer holidays should be play dates with friends, paddling pool in the garden, bike to the park etc. I feel she has no childhood and it seems exhausting.

We agreed not to comment on the others parenting but I find it so hard to seem this little girl be dragged around to all these activities all the time. I often wonder if the reason she never misbehaves is because she always too tired to! And if her room is never messy as she is never allowed to be in it!!

AIBU to think this is a really sad childhood?

I agree with PPs that this is a cultural thing. She doesn’t need your sympathy! This is how I deal with my kids, which is exactly how many people all around the world (especially in countries with long summer holidays, or large monied-enough international communities) do it too. It keeps them busy, learning, disciplined, active, off screens, around other kids. Just availing of life’s opportunities. There is time for everything and everyone, if oodles of time isn’t wasted just slobbing around doing nothing. There’s time for a bit of that on Sundays, but even on Sundays I want them up and dressed and breakfasted by 10am. Every few weeks they’ll ask for (and get) pajama days. But even for them a day every few weeks is plenty. Sundays are for bike rides, playing with Lego, book clubs, cooking a meal, visiting grandparents etc. The rest of life is for living! And when you’re a child, that means learning - school, extra curriculars, life experiences, friends and family. That’s what childhood is, to me.

For your boyfriend, I think some of it will also be striking a balance with childcare, not putting too much on grandparents, her being an only, family abroad etc.

I really don’t think you need to feel sad for her. Perhaps you should feel a little sad for your own son, that he doesn’t have the opportunity to use precious childhood energy, time, a responsibility-free life and keen interests to learn and grow and pursue hobbies and learn independence and travel etc.

Some people prefer to be active and busy. It does not mean that they have a 'serious problem' which is what you rudely said to another poster.

I'm guessing some of the people on here getting offended that we are discussing the merits of this schedule have a similar one for their own kids/had this for themselves, and so feel like they have to defend it as if it's a personal attack on them.

My comment was not to the OP but to another poster who said:

a parents ability to pay for their child to partake in an array of extracurriculars does not make a child a "superstar and high achiever."

I find this snippy and think that this little girl does sound great.

Or are afraid to be alone with their thoughts ...

Good grief.

I think the second tennis camp is a bit OTT but the rest is standard for some kids. It’s the high flying parents facilitating this.

Yes Ive lost track of who said what as I find it hard to follow on this forum, but now its not 'healthy'!!!!!

No doubt the inevitable 'have you tried therapy' will come out next.

Because if she says ‘my partner is kind, caring, thoughtful’ and by extension he and his daughter are close and they discuss her schedule (like she says) then the obvious answer is that there’s nothing to worry about.

If she says he’s combative, unwilling to discuss things and is cold then yes, it’s a concern.

How on earth is asking about a man’s character or personality digging for signs of abuse? If you thought a child’s life is sad isn’t the first place you’d look their parents?

You’re the one inferring my intentions incorrectly. You could’ve asked me why I was asking instead of accusing me of looking for abuse. It’s lazy and idiotic.

Yes I agree.

@Scavernick

"My comment was not to the OP but to another poster who said:

a parents ability to pay for their child to partake in an array of extracurriculars does not make a child a "superstar and high achiever."

I find this snippy and think that this little girl does sound great."

Just to be clear that was my comment. I was not being "snippy" to the Op's partner's daughter but rather criticising your description of her.

Yeah she sounds great but genuinely I'd like to know how performing in extracurriculars paid for by a parent make you a "superstar and high achiever"?!l

I had a super busy childhood like this. Clubs after school every day and all weekend, then clubs through the holidays. My hobbies were a mix of creative arts and sports. I absolutely loved it. Nothing was imposed by my parents and I had two siblings who attended zero clubs because they didn’t want to. As an adult I’m still interested in lots of things but perfectly balanced and happy to do nothing as well. I made tonnes of friends through all my activities. Incidentally, at one point I went through a spell of bullying at school and it was made much more bearable by the fact I had so many friends from all my activities outside of school. One of my hobbies also became the starting point for the career I had today.

I think YABU
She is Y6
Lots of Y6 have clubs every night, some have 2 or even 3. She has a mixture of clubs but excels at tennis.
She enjoys it.
Y6 is not about paddling pools (too old for that) or riding your bike around....those kids are causing trouble. Play dates are rare....although friendships and independence should be nutured.

My kids do a sport every night. I know if they didn't they wouldn't do anything else, they would watch TV.
There sports clubs are where they have some of their strongest friendships and most support/least drama.
We do allow them to miss training for parties etc and encourage balance....but balance doesn't mean no structure.

And they are always tired after any trip away or even after a week of holiday club.....but they ask to go on every residential trip anyway.

Once she's in Senior School then I think it will be necessary to cut back the midweek activities to accommodate schools work.

I know! 😂

It wasnt me who responded to you initially so you have the wrong person for a start. And nothing about this child's life has been set out as abusive, so its completely irrelevant as to what type of partner heis.

The exact same comment could apply the other way round.

Only people who are rich in time and money can achieve this lifestyle for their children.

These are the parents who get to actively choose between a life filled with downtime, filled with activities, or anything in between.

And time and time again, these parents are choosing the second option.

Then you have the parents, most of us, who don't really have this choice. We can't afford private school, followed by heaps of extra money and time for activities.

So, you can go two ways there. You can think that the life of this happy awesome girl sounds super and wish it for your children, or you can be envious that it isn't available and thus pretend instead that 6 hours of downtime a day is a good thing for a 10 yr old. Which it would be for some I'm sure, ND children are often completely depleted just with school. But it doesn't work for everyone.

OP hasn't said she doesn't think learning French is worth it. The issue is really how much she needs to learn it, given that she is already fluent in it and is talking to her father in French all the time when at home, ditto presumably when in France in the holidays. Why on earth does she need to do another 4.5 hours at French school on Saturdays?

Totally normal to be out at clubs/lessons every single evening plus all of Saturdays? In what world? Particularly given that the summer clubs are organised not for the child's benefit but because her grandparents don't want to look after her during the day.

OP hasn't said she doesn't think learning French is worth it. The issue is really how much she needs to learn it, given that she is already fluent in it and is talking to her father in French all the time when at home, ditto presumably when in France in the holidays. Why on earth does she need to do another 4.5 hours at French school on Saturdays?

This has been explained to you by others who know more about learning languages than I do. Re-read the thread and you will perhaps understand it?

Particularly given that the summer clubs are organised not for the child's benefit but because her grandparents don't want to look after her during the day

I missed this part - where does the OP say this?

Sorry YABU. I would’ve loved a childhood like this! My best friends were from a hobby outside school that I did relatively intensely, and my only regret is that my parents didn’t commit me more more to it. not to be harsh but the idea of hanging out with school friends, paddling pools, riding bikes etc seems a few generations behind..most likely she’d be on her phone worrying about whether or not x girl from school has left her out of x thing that day..

I did say it's because grandparents can't do as much as they have historically done.
However - she is absolutely buzzing about this (more than the summer holiday with us) so I'm not worried about this anymore.

Glad to hear that OP. 🙂

To me it sounds very European/French. Kids are more independent, very academic, lots of hobbies and holidays away from family with grandparents or at camps. He takes her out for dinner every Saturday night which is lovely.

The poster didn't say she preferred to be busy, she said pottering around was her idea of 'hell'. That's an extreme view.