To feel so sad at how busy my step-daughters life is

[Justgivetea]

Hi,

Some context, my step-daughter is 10, she's in Y6. Her mum passed away when she was 6, I've been in her life for 2 years now. I have a son of my own who is 11.

My SD is a darling of a girl, she's smart and hardworking and never seems to cause an issue. Her dad (my partner) claims his parenting method is "high expectation, high reward". But honestly the poor girl never stops!!
She attends a private prep school, dropped off to breakfast club at 7.30, picked up by her grandma at 3.45. Then a club every night of the week, 2 days tennis, 2 days ballet, 1 day piano. No weekday play dates, just school, homework, dinner and clubs.
On Saturday she attends a Saturday school (her dad is French), 8.30-1. This is basically just French classes as far as I know. Then picked up packed lunch in the car, straight to tennis for 1-2 hours.
Sunday she doesn't have any official hobbies planned in but this is the only day she can do play dates/go to parties, ride her bike round the park - you know - be a child.
This summer she will finish school on Friday the 5th of July (prep schools and ridiculously early finishes). Go to Wimbledon with her dad on the Saturday (so long day). Fly to France as an unaccompanied minor with a chaperone on the Sunday morning, be picked up by some coach from a tennis school, spend two weeks there, playing tennis for several hours a day for 6 days. Then at the end will be picked up by her French grandparents, spend a week with them, go on holiday with her dad for two weeks (and my son and I this year), back to the UK to spend a week with her mums parents, then oh yes back to France for two more weeks of tennis! She will get back on the Sunday and have one day left before it's her first day at senior school!
She never grumbles about any of it and she does enjoy tennis (she did 2, 1 week camps last year) but when she got back all her dad could tell me was she seemed tired - so obviously that means the next year you book double right?!
I feel so sad for her, summer holidays should be play dates with friends, paddling pool in the garden, bike to the park etc. I feel she has no childhood and it seems exhausting.

We agreed not to comment on the others parenting but I find it so hard to seem this little girl be dragged around to all these activities all the time. I often wonder if the reason she never misbehaves is because she always too tired to! And if her room is never messy as she is never allowed to be in it!!

AIBU to think this is a really sad childhood?

Probably my situation is an extreme example but I wouldn’t call it a problem - I’m very happy and don’t hurt anyone so where’s the problem? Also what people find relaxing is subjective. I’ve got friends who find going to the gym relaxing, I find it boring. I like to read and find being absorbed in a book relaxing, others find it boring. I’ve got a relative who sails for hours, I couldn’t think of anything worse than being on a boat. He would finding walking dull but I can walk the dog for miles to relax 🤷🏻‍♀️. We’re all different and what’s a problem to some is a perfect life to others.

Here's a thought. She has been in your life 2 years. If you plan/hope for it to be longer with a French partner perhaps you could learn French too.

Also even if she is fluent to you it is important to keep her written and grammatical levels up too. You can't just do that from conversation.

My DIL has dual language (Spanish) and I am begging her to make the sure GC grow up bilingual as I have a friend married to a European whose kids have been raised solely speaking English and its been such a missed opportunity

I'm going to swallow my pride and say I actually think I was wrong.

I've just spoken to my partner. I asked if we could break the no talking about parenting rules and he said of course. I asked about his daughter's activities and summer and he explained.

For tennis he told me that it's entirely her choice. Right now she doesn't want to compete much (just a handful of times a year) which is probably why she says she doesn't want to be a tennis player when she's older. She likes playing and watching but that's about it. He likes that it keeps her active, but wouldn't force her to keep going if she wanted to quit.

For Ballet he told she only goes as her school friends go. Her school friends come from all over so it's nice having a hobby they all do together, but she is giving this up when she goes to senior school.

Piano - she likes it, he thinks learning an instrument is good for the mind. If she asked to stop he would let her

French School - He explained that the 4 hours are just what our kids learn in English/spelling/reading at school each week but in French. He thinks it's really important she learns all the skills in French she would in English. He said she will keep doing this until 14 at least preferably 16. Just like normal school. He also told me it's taught with French history and geography intertwined and he feels this is the only things she's missing not going to school in France so is glad he can get it added.

As for the holidays - he admits it's not ideal, last year the grandparents each did 2 weeks each but they are getting older and didn't feel able. He discussed with his daughter what her options were (kids club in London with 7.30 drop off and 6.30 pick up) or tennis camp in France. Can wake up later, play tennis all day, odds of the sun being out all day will be higher. She picked the camp and is buzzing. He thinks the camp is also good as it gives her the "sibling" experience.

He feels it's balanced as when she's with her grandparents in France, she will see her cousins for a day or two. Go out for food, play in the garden, play in their pool etc. so that will be relaxed. Then when in England with her other grandparents it will be similar, plus they will take her to get school shoes and a hair cut.

I asked if he worries about her not getting time to be creative or just play and he pointed out that as we speak she was watching tennis on the TV and had a colouring book with model figures in it designing tennis outfits so she is perfectly capable of letting her mind do what it wants.
He thinks the time in taxi going to school in the morning and on Saturdays having dinner/going to school/tennis gives them lots of time to chat and she is very chatty. He likes that she gets to do the same with her grandparents.

He is confident she will handle secondary well too.

I asked what her thought of my sons activity level and he told me he hadn't really thought of it but thinks as long as he is happy that's all that matters.

I think I was being harsh and should maybe have just discussed it with him!

@Justgivetea

So glad to hear this. Shows how communication is key. If you needed the metaphorical kick up the bum from here to brave the conversation then all good.

That's a lovely update, OP.

And yes learning French on a higher level than everyday chatting will be opening many doors for her. One can be fluent, but if they have not specifically studied it, would not have the vocabulary for example in geography or math.

And funny you say about downtime choices - DS plays basketball twice per week, has matches on weekends and just went out to hang with his friends. They will be...playing basketball. And he has basketball residential camps booked for summer. As long as they enjoy it, that is their downtime.

It’s great that it’s resolved. She is clearly content. It sounds as if you and he have a healthy relationship, too.

There’s quite a lot of identifying detail in this thread. Unless you’ve made changes to nonessential details like the sport and the country, I’d get it deleted OP.

Agreed and well done OP, I am glad that you spoke together and that surely bodes well for the future. Wishing all of you the very best.

I’ve one child who would adore this and thrive on meeting new people and learning new skills. I have another who struggles to get out of her room. I know which is easier to raise - horses for courses

This guy keeps his daughter constantly busy, as outlined by the OP. He spends one dinner with her planning the next lot of activities by the sounds of it. That’s what I’m commenting on, not your life choices.

No mention of 7 days a week in my post btw. Just a description of my favourite part of parenting.

As for the holidays - he admits it's not ideal, last year the grandparents each did 2 weeks each but they are getting older and didn't feel able. He discussed with his daughter what her options were (kids club in London with 7.30 drop off and 6.30 pick up) or tennis camp in France.

That's the problem though, she doesn't have the option of staying at home even just for a couple of weeks and doing her own thing, or going to her friends'. She's got to go out, like it or not. If he can't be around to allow her to stay at home, is there anyone else who could supervise?

As a matter of interest, what would he do if, say, she injured herself and couldn't go to tennis?

read the update from the OP.

He sounds like a great father, and that must be very hard when you have lost the other parent.

The OP sounds caring too.

I agree that she sounds very highly scheduled (and glad you have had a conversation), but I'd also point out that at 10 she is getting a bit old for 'paddling pools in the garden' all summer to be fulfilling? Aren't paddling and riding your bike round the park as core funtimes more aimed at preschool/lower primary?

But I'm not offended by the discussion. Just looking at it from different angles, in the spirit of op's post.

Others are saying there should be no discussion and trying to make out people are somehow being unfair by merely talking about this.

@Justgivetea so do you not live with her and her father?? or have I missed that post? no family time ie learning to make home made pizza, bake cakes, bbq, tent in the garden???

All resolved within the same day and OP admits she was wrong. I now believe it’s made up.

That's a nice update OP and it's great to hear that the activities are working out for your DSD.

That's a weird view.

Exercising is what relaxes me. I enjoy doing it, and enjoy the feeling after.

Travelling relaxes me.

Being home for the sake of being home? I have a nice enough home, but I don't find relaxing to just.. be there. I did not enjoy the lockdowns one little bit, trust me, and I was busier than I would have liked.

I thought this but on reflection a lot of kids won't?
My son won't we will be on holiday for 2 weeks, 2 weeks holiday with his dad then 2 weeks of holiday club. Sure he gets weekends but I imagine it's similar for a few kids.

Also depends on the injury

• Bad enough she can't play tennis but she is fit and able she'd go to a holiday club in the uk.
• So bad she is in hospital or very unwell, take unpaid parental leave.

He doesn't have anyone local to do babysitting and the grandparents have said what they are able to do.

No I don't.

She cooks with her grandparents a lot and every Sunday she makes dinner with her dad.
Our Sundays make for lovely family time actually. Such as right now, my partner is teaching DS to play chess, SD and I are watching the tennis while she designs little outfits. I think I was just overthinking.

It really depends on the child, and it depends on whether a lot of this is driven by the child or the parent. (I guess French classes are Dad, but has she chosen the tennis and everything else).

My daughter is far busier than I ever anticipated her being, with something on every day, and hours of sport and dance on a Saturday. However it is all driven by her. I would like to reduce the amount of ferrying around that I do in my precious time off, but I value what she does as she clearly loves it so.

However we do have conditions for her continuing all of this are that
1)she does her homework and any practice for her activities without us having to nag her to do them.
2) she commits to them - we do miss occasional sessions if there are clashes, but if she started to want to skip sessions because she didn’t feel like going, we would start considering that as a sign that she was falling out of love with that activity
3) if she wants to take up anything new, she would need to drop an existing activity
4) she can stop whenever she wants to, but needs to let us know if she is starting to get unsure about an activity before we pay the next term’s fees!

My view is that life becomes more serious as you get older, and your free time more and more scarce, so she should fill her boots whilst she’s in primary school and has hardly anything expected of her in terms of homework.

A PP mentioned that girls like this often don’t have friends at school. We haven’t found this to be true. In fact, having a couple of very strong groups of friends outside school was helpful a little while ago when she was being bullied by one child. She could see that friends within school and in two other settings valued her and loved her, so it gave her confidence to not internalise the awful things this other child said and did to her.

He sounds like a wealthy but shit dad.

He sounds like a well organised, loving dad to me.

Seriously. This place is just bloody horrible sometimes.🙄

We see the other side of this op. My children had a blend of the two, lots of tennis and riding. With two nights at home. It worked for us.

We had friends that did the same as your SD and the outcomes as adults were:

Inability to switch off or relax at all, leading to burn out.

Highly motivated and usually with drive and ambition, but can switch to total check out and depression later on

They don’t seem to develop meaningful friendships, as there is no time, so all friends are friends of convenience. Even in later years.

Can not bear to be in their own company, at all, so always overschedule to avoid being alone. Leading to so many problems.

They completely lose their creativity as there no time for painting, drawing and being free. No time to make things, experiment or learn anything new

Narrow idea of what the world should look like, seem to be reluctant to experiment with new things/people/places.

Some grow into very angry teens, having never had time to develop their own identity and values, they rebel badly in mid to late teens with various consequences- some extremely serious.

Eventually they may alienate themselves from their families and the source of the pressure.

It can tip into perfectionism, OCD, self harm, addiction. Never feeling good enough.

Insecure and various difficulties forming relationships.

After years of observing I can honestly say I think you need to speak to your dh, not about his parenting but making it clear one or two days you would love for her to be at home relaxing as a family.