To feel so sad at how busy my step-daughters life is

[Justgivetea]

Hi,

Some context, my step-daughter is 10, she's in Y6. Her mum passed away when she was 6, I've been in her life for 2 years now. I have a son of my own who is 11.

My SD is a darling of a girl, she's smart and hardworking and never seems to cause an issue. Her dad (my partner) claims his parenting method is "high expectation, high reward". But honestly the poor girl never stops!!
She attends a private prep school, dropped off to breakfast club at 7.30, picked up by her grandma at 3.45. Then a club every night of the week, 2 days tennis, 2 days ballet, 1 day piano. No weekday play dates, just school, homework, dinner and clubs.
On Saturday she attends a Saturday school (her dad is French), 8.30-1. This is basically just French classes as far as I know. Then picked up packed lunch in the car, straight to tennis for 1-2 hours.
Sunday she doesn't have any official hobbies planned in but this is the only day she can do play dates/go to parties, ride her bike round the park - you know - be a child.
This summer she will finish school on Friday the 5th of July (prep schools and ridiculously early finishes). Go to Wimbledon with her dad on the Saturday (so long day). Fly to France as an unaccompanied minor with a chaperone on the Sunday morning, be picked up by some coach from a tennis school, spend two weeks there, playing tennis for several hours a day for 6 days. Then at the end will be picked up by her French grandparents, spend a week with them, go on holiday with her dad for two weeks (and my son and I this year), back to the UK to spend a week with her mums parents, then oh yes back to France for two more weeks of tennis! She will get back on the Sunday and have one day left before it's her first day at senior school!
She never grumbles about any of it and she does enjoy tennis (she did 2, 1 week camps last year) but when she got back all her dad could tell me was she seemed tired - so obviously that means the next year you book double right?!
I feel so sad for her, summer holidays should be play dates with friends, paddling pool in the garden, bike to the park etc. I feel she has no childhood and it seems exhausting.

We agreed not to comment on the others parenting but I find it so hard to seem this little girl be dragged around to all these activities all the time. I often wonder if the reason she never misbehaves is because she always too tired to! And if her room is never messy as she is never allowed to be in it!!

AIBU to think this is a really sad childhood?

No that's a super childhood for a kid that is going to be motivated and hardworking throughout their life. She has opportunities for friendships through the tennis ans many kids her age just waste away the summer staring at their screens

I know a few women raised like this and it’s a double edged sword. On one hand they’re very energetic and capable individuals. On the other they’re very unhappy in their own company and hate being single, or having nothing to do for the day. They’re also a bit neurotic and give off a kind of frantic energy.

That does sound exhausting. Sorry for the obvious question but have you voiced your concerns to your husband? I think you need to have a really serious conversation with him (but I realise you probably already have!).

I agree OP. She needs more down time. 'High expectations, high reward' will cause problems somewhere down the line.

I think it might suit her. I wish I'd had more activities as a kid. I grew up in a family with a lot of money but weird inverse snobbery about activities and private schools etc 🙄🤦‍♀️. Now I can't afford a lot for my kids, but I still send them where I can as long as they enjoy the activities. They can choose not to do them.

Does your DSD say she doesn't want to do it?

We don't comment on the others parenting. It's one of our very strict rules. We appreciate that we are raising different children with different needs. We don't disagree on fundamentals such as standards of behaviour or respect/ access to screens etc. So our time spent together isn't impacted by the differences.

If she's happy then fair enough. It's not what I would want for my children. When does she have time to just be a child and be mindlessly frivolous. My SD is that same age, she does a mix of activities but she also has plenty of time messing her with her friends doing whatever they do (practising dance routines in the park yesterday 🙄😁) just being 10.

I personally think it sounds fabulous but I’m someone who always likes to be busy. I assume she won’t be constantly on the go when she’s with both sets of GPs?

I think her weekdays do sound too packed with activities, I’d prefer for my kids if that was ideally 2 or max 3 activities in the week with at least 2 days of just free time. However it sounds like she has 4 weeks in the summer with family and will presumably do paddling pools, bike riding, general chilling out then? She has longer holidays than state schools, so this will be a pretty normal scenario where kids have some weeks with parents/grandparents and some in holiday clubs-her free family time is probably on the higher side I’d say.

It does sound a lot. My dd is pretty busy but I try to keep time clear for her to relax and avoid hobbies that include homework (like music). I agree that we all need time to just potter and switch off.

I think she enjoys the activities, but she never says she doesn't want to do anything. I don't know if it is because she wants too or because she doesn't feel like she can say she doesn't want to.
She is confident and self assured but I do think she has been raised not to question her dad (Will question anything else though!).

My children would have hated this and I would have hated it too. I've always needed a certain amount of down time even though I'm otherwise sociable. I don't think filling up every spare moment is beneficial, although I do think it is important to have at least one hobby or interest that you really love. Just not every day and all through the holidays.

Children often give up all their hobbies as they get into the teen years so how would her dad approach that?

Is she happy?
Her and your DH obviously suffered a trauma from the death of her mother? Was she into tennis? Is he trying to live her dreams through their daughter? Or does he not want to spend too much time with her as it reminds him of her? Or is he just pushy? Does he spend time with her? Is he trying to avoid parenting?

Girls I know that were brought up like this struggled with friendships at school.
Not because they were unlikeable but because they were never around to join in with parties and play dates so got forgotten about.
They have lots of successes but don't seem particularly happy.

I wonder how she will be as a teen. They may be a lot of rebelling - either quietly or loud and explosive.
She does have a very packed schedule. And not much time with her Dad. This seems sad given her mother has died.

The only thing that matters is if she's happy. Is she?

Sounds as if she’s having 4 weeks family holiday in the summer?

Unfortunately if you're going to excel at a sport you have to put the hours in. There's no right or wrong.

Does she have ambitions and the talent to be a great tennis player? If so this level of training is necessary. If tennis is her thing perhaps the ballet will be dropped eventually allowing her more time for herself. Part of being an athlete involves having some rest days.

Neither her dad nor her mum were tennis fans (story goes she used to love watching tennis as a toddler which they learnt when the BBC channels were taken over by Wimbledon, so they put her in a club and it's been tennis fanatic ever since).
Honestly he doesn't see much of her, he drops her to breakfast club then he works 8-6, her grandparents (mothers side) make her dinner every week night, and she is often at a club 7-8. By the time she's home it's straight to bed. Saturdays she's off doing school/tennis, and most Sundays she seems to have a friend over or be at a friends. He takes her out for dinner every Saturday night but that's about it!

My kids would hate this - they love nothing more than just playing together at home or in the garden. But all kids are different. My friend's child is utterly obsessed with tennis and wants to practice before school & after school every single day. If she seems happy, I would leave her be. Normally kids let you know if they don't want to do something!

I agree OP. Sounds like far too much. My dc would hate it.

Does she get to spend much quality time with her dad?

I don’t think this is particularly unusual for private school children. I’m not saying it’s ‘right’ but my son is at a super-selective prep & this is what most of the children’s lives look like.

Sounds like a great childhood actually @Justgivetea She’s learning lots of things that will be with her for her whole life and help her make friends with those who have similar interests, beyond school. She’s remaining bi-lingual. She’s learning how to extend her horizons.

What are you doing for your son to develop his interests and talents?

And yes, YABU.