To feel so sad at how busy my step-daughters life is

[Justgivetea]

Hi,

Some context, my step-daughter is 10, she's in Y6. Her mum passed away when she was 6, I've been in her life for 2 years now. I have a son of my own who is 11.

My SD is a darling of a girl, she's smart and hardworking and never seems to cause an issue. Her dad (my partner) claims his parenting method is "high expectation, high reward". But honestly the poor girl never stops!!
She attends a private prep school, dropped off to breakfast club at 7.30, picked up by her grandma at 3.45. Then a club every night of the week, 2 days tennis, 2 days ballet, 1 day piano. No weekday play dates, just school, homework, dinner and clubs.
On Saturday she attends a Saturday school (her dad is French), 8.30-1. This is basically just French classes as far as I know. Then picked up packed lunch in the car, straight to tennis for 1-2 hours.
Sunday she doesn't have any official hobbies planned in but this is the only day she can do play dates/go to parties, ride her bike round the park - you know - be a child.
This summer she will finish school on Friday the 5th of July (prep schools and ridiculously early finishes). Go to Wimbledon with her dad on the Saturday (so long day). Fly to France as an unaccompanied minor with a chaperone on the Sunday morning, be picked up by some coach from a tennis school, spend two weeks there, playing tennis for several hours a day for 6 days. Then at the end will be picked up by her French grandparents, spend a week with them, go on holiday with her dad for two weeks (and my son and I this year), back to the UK to spend a week with her mums parents, then oh yes back to France for two more weeks of tennis! She will get back on the Sunday and have one day left before it's her first day at senior school!
She never grumbles about any of it and she does enjoy tennis (she did 2, 1 week camps last year) but when she got back all her dad could tell me was she seemed tired - so obviously that means the next year you book double right?!
I feel so sad for her, summer holidays should be play dates with friends, paddling pool in the garden, bike to the park etc. I feel she has no childhood and it seems exhausting.

We agreed not to comment on the others parenting but I find it so hard to seem this little girl be dragged around to all these activities all the time. I often wonder if the reason she never misbehaves is because she always too tired to! And if her room is never messy as she is never allowed to be in it!!

AIBU to think this is a really sad childhood?

My children lost a parent young too. Ideally it's better for kids who've lost a parent to see the other one more than one day a week plus 2 weeks a year. Although if Sunday is the day she does play dates does she see him then?
It might have been his reaction to the girl's mum dying. To keep her always away and busy so he doesn't have to deal with her.

This is so true.
France for sure, but not just France, many other countries.

How much 1:1 time does he spend with her? Sounds like he's emotionally distant.

What’s he like as a partner/boyfriend?

Kind? Open? Empathetic?

I agree with others who say it sounds like a wonderful summer! If she's a driven child she probably really enjoys it, if she's more of a laid back child then I'd be concerned (I have both types and it's challenging meeting all the needs!) an internal driving force is hard to counter parent and instill a sense of relaxation, some people never learn it. Her dad seems that type.

I'm with you, OP. I think it's way too much.

Depends so much on the child.

It wouldn't suit my ds. He does one activity (although more than once a week) but initially had to be persuaded to do that. He doesn't even like going on holiday to a place he likes if that makes sense. he's asking to come home after around 3 days. He likes time to himself.

Dd1 liked activities, but also liked downtime. She'd have been okay with that, but not ideal.

Dd2 would have adored that level of activities. Her schedule at that age would have had non-stop activities from end of school to bedtime, and throughout the holidays. We couldn't afford for her to do that much, but she would have liked to do it.

School finishes at 3.45. Say she's in bed by 8. That's 4.15 hours spare. 1 hour sport. Still 3 hours downtime every day.

Her life sounds fabulous, lucky her getting such wonderful opportunities, staying fit, friends both in school and out of school.

Just to echo what many others have said - in my experience children really thrive on being busy and learning new skills. My dd is an older teen now but we were chatting about this recently and she herself said she thinks being always very busy (training in a competitive sport most days, music practice, etc) was really good for her mental health and gave her the discipline that has allowed her to achieve academically.

Wow, you really have no idea about bilingualism, do you? It isn't rude for him to speak to her in French when others are around, it is merely following the advice on how to raise a child bilingually. As a monolingual Brit, you might not see the worth of having another language, but it's clearly important to your DP and I reckon his dd will thank him for it in the years to come.

As for the rest of your dsd's lifestyle, it depends on whether she's happy. It sounds like she is fine and she doesn't seem to crave more downtime. Is the issue really that her full and busy lifestyle is making you feel insecure about how you're raising your ds?

If the dsd is happy, I think you need to butt out and leave them to it tbh. But I also think that you and your DP don't really sound like you're suited to each other as your values obviously don't align.

It sounds a little full on but if they are both happy then I wouldn’t judge.

Op you have conveniently ignored my post as well as others who have children at private schools and confirm that this is very much normal.

I think the crux of it is to do with the numerous other threads on here at the moment. Private schooling and all the extras, the lifestyle that goes with it vs state.

You have a child near the same age, and I think your 'sadness' is more insecurity and comparing her to your children.

She sounds like she has a great life, GP who are so involved and she is able to immerse herself with two parts of her life. She isn't being dragged there, kicking and screaming and crying that she doesn't want to go.

You sounds very judgmental and not at all coming from a place of genuine concern. I will say this again, this is the norm for many children in the private school system. Many of them have parents who are not from here and travel and continue that lifestyle in other countries. Would it be less concerning to you if she did those tennis camps here or in the country where she is also from?

Typical. Digging for if the man is controlling, abusive and whatever else.

Well it's not that simple is it?

Finish school, travel to activity, eat dinner, do homework. Sit in London traffic which happens a lot! Practice piano too!

Apparently next year they are looking at moving tennis to before school 2 dahs a week, after school 2 days and Saturday afternoon then dropping ballet so that does seem a bit better.

Isn’t the obvious thing is just to tell him?! Be damned to your agreement, if you think the poor girl is suffering then say it, I would never not say how I feel to my husband on anything. It’s not healthy to keep it all in

It’s so narrow minded and arrogant to think that the only correct way to parent is what is currently in vogue in the U.K.

The Anglo-focused view of parents solely bringing up kids is a model which many other cultures don’t follow. The whole “it takes a village” ethos. This girl has lots of loving adults in her life but her dad’s girlfriend is silently judging. I hope the dad finds out what she really thinks and ditches her so he can get on with bringing up his daughter as he and her family feel is best.

It sounds like she may get her downtime with her grandparents.

I didn’t attend private school but I did do clubs after school and then extracurricular. I remember my Gran being very concerned that I didn’t get much downtime and that kids didn’t need to be busy. I loved playing sport/being active - I was the final generation to play ‘out’ but really there weren’t many kids ‘out’.

I can remember having a playroom but can’t really remember what toys I had. I did have barbies etc but never played with them as I wasn’t into imaginative play. I’d rather play swing ball by myself or play tennis against the wall. Funny enough I did do tennis for a few years and I loved it. I had friends at all these clubs.

I used to find summer holidays would drag at home. I’d be glad to not be at school but I missed all my clubs and activities.

on the other hand DH hated his childhood that was jam packed. He’s have one night after school without anything else and that was his favourite day. Even now he much prefers a day without us having any plans.

'Travel to activity' . Myself and my children love our downtime on a car journey. Chat to each other, listen to music, day dream.

I'm afraid I agree with others op who think this is jealousy speaking. Many of the messages have been deleted above, but I think you've said this isn't something you can do for your son if he wishes? So, this 'sadness' is a defensive mechanism?

I grew up swimming 15 hours a week. I am so so happy for that as an adult. It's given me a passion, a hobby which became my job, and many happy memories of my swimming friends. I notice you don't seem to think the friends she must have at tennis are friends- why not?

At the school I teach, I watch the girls on the netball court running happily about with such energy, and for me, it's the happiest place to be for so many people.

I don't think kids do anywhere near enough exercise nowadays. To me, an hour a day as a kid is a minimum. It's all very well to say they should be out on bikes with their friends, but honestly, how often do you see that?

As a slight aside op, how would you feel if your dp was on dads net with a thread 'I feel so sad for my stepson, he just doesn't seem to do anything.'

Sounds a damn site more exciting than my childhood. I was SO bored. .

She won't be able to carry in at that pace at secondary with homework.

My eldest wouldn't have liked it as she's naturally lazy but my other 2 would be so happy. They didn't go to private school but did do lots of clubs and activities which they chose to do.

As an example DD2 did air cadets Tuesday and Thursday. Guides on Weds stuff with friends on Friday. Weekends she often went to camps or events with the cadets or guides. Mondays she did swimming and fought with her sister as said she was bored.

Apparently she will according to her dad - I asked this.

Bedtime pushed back, tennis moved to morning.

The school she is going to says homework is roughly 1hr for each subject each fortnight.

Even if it is more there will be time for that in her schedule. Between French homework, Piano and regular school homework/reading she already does 1-2 hours some nights.

I don't think my DS would cope mentally but maybe she will!

I was going to say pretty much the same thing.

In my experience, I've met quite a few women like this. Professionally, they are high-flyers. Earning quite big money early on and seeming like they have it all. But on the flip side, it seems like it takes them a long time to "settle down" and "calm down" into adult life. They seem to struggle to form those tightknit female friendships and can come across rather intense.

Then at the end will be picked up by her French grandparents, spend a week with them, go on holiday with her dad for two weeks (and my son and I this year), back to the UK to spend a week with her mums parents

So 4 straight weeks of holidays then?
Some kids love being busy - I’ve got one who does, one who doesn’t.