To feel so sad at how busy my step-daughters life is

[Justgivetea]

Hi,

Some context, my step-daughter is 10, she's in Y6. Her mum passed away when she was 6, I've been in her life for 2 years now. I have a son of my own who is 11.

My SD is a darling of a girl, she's smart and hardworking and never seems to cause an issue. Her dad (my partner) claims his parenting method is "high expectation, high reward". But honestly the poor girl never stops!!
She attends a private prep school, dropped off to breakfast club at 7.30, picked up by her grandma at 3.45. Then a club every night of the week, 2 days tennis, 2 days ballet, 1 day piano. No weekday play dates, just school, homework, dinner and clubs.
On Saturday she attends a Saturday school (her dad is French), 8.30-1. This is basically just French classes as far as I know. Then picked up packed lunch in the car, straight to tennis for 1-2 hours.
Sunday she doesn't have any official hobbies planned in but this is the only day she can do play dates/go to parties, ride her bike round the park - you know - be a child.
This summer she will finish school on Friday the 5th of July (prep schools and ridiculously early finishes). Go to Wimbledon with her dad on the Saturday (so long day). Fly to France as an unaccompanied minor with a chaperone on the Sunday morning, be picked up by some coach from a tennis school, spend two weeks there, playing tennis for several hours a day for 6 days. Then at the end will be picked up by her French grandparents, spend a week with them, go on holiday with her dad for two weeks (and my son and I this year), back to the UK to spend a week with her mums parents, then oh yes back to France for two more weeks of tennis! She will get back on the Sunday and have one day left before it's her first day at senior school!
She never grumbles about any of it and she does enjoy tennis (she did 2, 1 week camps last year) but when she got back all her dad could tell me was she seemed tired - so obviously that means the next year you book double right?!
I feel so sad for her, summer holidays should be play dates with friends, paddling pool in the garden, bike to the park etc. I feel she has no childhood and it seems exhausting.

We agreed not to comment on the others parenting but I find it so hard to seem this little girl be dragged around to all these activities all the time. I often wonder if the reason she never misbehaves is because she always too tired to! And if her room is never messy as she is never allowed to be in it!!

AIBU to think this is a really sad childhood?

I bet if she had her mum she wouldn't be doing all those activities. Most mums are better than dads at understanding how to meet their children's emotional needs.

But is she happy OP?... That's the key here.

My daughter is 5 and in reception. She does something every day after school, Rainbows, Swimming, drama, Karate and gymnastics. She has her friends over after school on Tuesday or Friday when her after school activities start at 5.30pm. We do homework and reading either before or after. I'm also tutoring her in learning French also as its my first language. The weekends are incredibly full with activities or parties and playdates. My daughter loves it. If she expressed she didn't I'd drop something immediately.

Can you only chill at home op? She is having like 2-3 holidays and seeing family. Honestly what should she do all day at home? I assume you both work? I think spending time with grandparents is 10 times preferable to a holiday camp in England.

There are certain children this lifestyle would suit - I was one of them.

But if it's bothering you OP, and you think she's unhappy, just say something. If you don't, who will?

Why’s he asked you to pack her bag?
and why do you take her to French school every other week so he can have a lie in, when he’s hardly seen her all week?
He’s very happy to outsource all of the parenting to you, his ex inlaws and clubs, isn’t he.
Poor girl, even if she enjoys the activities.

Yanbu. It sounds awful for the poor girl. Kids (and adults) need downtime. Sounds like in a typical week she hardly has time to spend with her family either. Unless she’s absolutely loving it and thriving on being so busy and scheduled to the hilt, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.

YABU
She isn't your SD for a start but your boyfriend's daughter.

He is a single parent with support from his deceased wife's parents around childcare and she has a couple of hobbies that she enjoys and participates in. French at Saturday school where a parent is French is a great idea too. They are used to having to find clubs etc for school holiday childcare solutions. As long as she still loves her tennis and ballet then there is no issue. Maybe she knows she isn't good enough to be a tennis pro or may not be so like other girls has ideas of being a model or lawyer.

It seems to be that perhaps you may be a touch jealous that you can't provide similar for your son (you even threw in the comment about prep school having long holidays!) or even if it isn't the provision thing that your son doesn't have passions in a similar way.

He has been a single parent since she was 6 after the death of her mother. I think he is doing a great job to support her and care for her whilst working. People don't have to live in each other's pockets all day every day to love them and have good relationships.

My son is at a private prep. He’s in preschool (4) but it’s the norm. He does 4 afterschool classes a week (mainly swimming and football). Then we do informal homework. But from reception he will go to an afterschool class (sometimes two ) everyday.

I still have breakfast and dinner with him everyday. Still put him to bed. Still spend a lot of time with him. Eg we spend Saturdays together just me and him. So if your DP isn’t putting in the hours then that isn’t right

I do think jealousy plays a part here.

If she is thriving and not complaining, its fine. If she is not thriving and complaining, its not fine. End of story

Most kids would benefit from having this sort of activity around them, not only does it keep them busy and active, it builds physical and emotional strength, gives them huge networks around them. I dont know why a 'play date' is seen as more worthy as going to tennis club, she is actively working with other kids there surely, same as the other clubs.

She'll probably be a bit achiever in life with confidence and good self worth. I envy her, I had absolutely nothing like this as a child and I think it disadvantaged me throughout life.

That sounds amazing to me - much better than mooching around all holiday - she’ll be doing something she enjoys plus have an opportunity to practice the language. Your boyfriend has support from parents to do all of these things. She sounds much loved. Leave it be just because it isn’t what you would do.

The comment about French school is so stupid: do kids in English schools stop learning English at 10 because they are fluent? Well no so why should a bilingual child stop learning their second language especially with such strong family ties. OP you clearly don’t know much about learning languages.

"To make sure the outfits go"

I offer to take her to French school as he works so hard and it's only chance at a lie in.

I think all you can try to do is to be emotionally available to her, and support her if she does ever express that she's tired or wants more downtime or wants to do less tennis etc.

It may well be that things change a bit when she is a teenager anyway.

For the moment, she seems like she is doing okay given the circumstances, and whilst there may be elements of her dad trying to keep her busy to avoid grief etc, they have both been through a traumatic thing, and if they are happy/coping then that is something?

I'm not sure about you doing things like dropping her off/packing her bag when you don't live with them full time, though?

unless she has a problem with it, I’d just stay well out of it

some children thrive like this, others don’t.

I think YABU. Your sd’s schedule and summer doesn’t sound overloaded. It won’t be two weeks of nothing but tennis at the camp - they’ll probably do 6 -7 hours a day max and have lots of other downtime and more relaxed activities. She will make friends there (and may already have friends from past camps).

Theres a lot of time with her maternal grandparents which sounds wonderful.

If she wasn’t happy, it would be obvious.

My children also start very early on school days and have at least one sports or music activity every day after school. They also have sport on Saturday mornings but plenty of time of Saturday afternoons and Sundays to see friends, chill at home etc. Anything they don’t enjoy they let me know about!

Our summers have more downtime at home, but your sd will be having downtime on holiday with her dad and her grandparents. She doesn’t need to physically be at home to enjoy downtime.

May as well send her to boarding school.

But she is playing, at camp, she is in her 'own' bed given she is staying with relatives, who she sees quite lot by the sounds of it, this s a child by the soudns of it with a number of places that she might identify as 'home'.

I agree with others, I cant understand why you're using the word 'sad' to describe this child's activities, given she is happy with it also.

It reminds me of the thread recently someone started about how in Britain we hate success, and part of that is that we seem to value doing nothing or having no hobbies or aspirations or activities or being 'busy'. YOu have to be trained to be busy as a child for this to continue all your life.

You're right I don't. I speak English and that is that!
I think he's very forceful with the French to the point of it being rude at times (even in my presence or her grandparents presence who don't speak French, he will speak French to her), he tennis coach (for the 1-2-1 sessions) speaks to her entirely in French. Her iPad is set to French, they want French TV all the time. It's basically her first language with English being just for school.
It takes up so much of her time and I can't really see it's worth - she is fluent, most mistake her for a French child when she is speaking to her dad in public - what more do they want!

There is a real little Englander vibe going on with some posters. This type of childhood is very typical for many nationalities - not just the French. It’s not abusive or neglectful.

Yes it’s different to the current parental style in the UK with our obsession with free time but there is nothing wrong with it. This girl has multiple loving adults in her life who she spends time with, is being brought up properly dual nationality and has access to hobbies.

The more I read your posts @Justgivetea the more I think you should keep out of it.

Your step-daughter’s life sounds very like my childhood and that of many of my friends at the time. It was normal. We did stuff that needed training; we learnt skills. As well as ballet classes 2-3 times a week, rode intensively from the age of 12 until I was 20 or so. Up at 5:30 most weekends. It was great! I made lots of friends who were equally dedicated.

It’s terrific to see a young girl so engaged and energetic and learning things beyond school work. Serious hobbies can be important throughout a person’s life.

So many posts on here about young people with no interests beyond watching television or gaming the night away.

You need to keep your more
limited world view out of any influence over your SD. She’s having fun, and learning something difficult. Learning difficult things is really important in the development of young people’s self-esteem and resilience.

I've taken my kids swimming dance boxing karate etc. However they just like to chill after school / weekends so these things never lasted. Is she not happy?

@SuuzeeeQ and@soupfiend nail it.

And also it’s fantastic that her mother’s parents are so involved with their daughter’s daughter’s life.

Why are you in this relationship OP? You don’t like how he parents and seem cross with completely normal things like him speaking his native language to his daughter. You come over as jealous and judgemental with absolutely zero understanding of how different cultures/ families operate. Does he know what you think about him or do you keep all this hidden whilst slagging him off to others?